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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I've just had enough

77 replies

Babywasinacorner · 29/09/2022 14:41

Me and my dh blended our family about 6 years ago now and it's been good a few ups and downs but nothing major. We've gotten on, been a successful blend.
Anyway this all seems to be going tits up now and I don't know how to resolve it. His kids are 18, 14 12 . I had a dd who is 10 and we have a dd together who is 2.
It mainly stems from his kids being filthy, and I mean gross. I walk in the loo and there is shit on the seat, they use the loo for a poo and don't flush or wipe they just leave it there.. they don't wash their hands, don't keep clean and I'm just past being able to cope ( my sd 12 leaves used sanitary pads on her drawers. There is bin and bags to put them in in the bathroom) This isn't one offs . It happens every time they are here (50/50 split) I'm not a clean freak . My house isn't a show home but 🤢.

We've lost consoles/ phones/ been grounded when this happens as its always never them can't work out who it is ( it only happens when they are here so not my dds ), but it still happens . We go through basic hygiene, provide cleaning wipes, baby wipes . Im struggling to cope with trying to keep on top of their normal teenage mess and then this.
It's causing so many issues between me and my dh as we have them 50% of the time and we seem to spend all that time arguing about them..

Any advice please..what would you do??

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 29/09/2022 14:46

Are there developmental issues or emotional problems behind this behaviour? It seems extreme just to be pure disrespect, especially if it's all three of them.

I don't blame you a bit for not wanting your home ruined in this way. I have teenagers who pee on the seat, and I find that unacceptable enough - but they're my kids, so I can light a rocket under them and make them clean it up. Your DH should be proactively dealing with this - each and every time. It's HIS job to discipline his children and clean up after them. If HE had any respect for you, or cared about your quality of life, he would want to do it.

loveisinttheair · 29/09/2022 14:47

That is really not acceptable behaviour. The dad needs to step up and say something. Does the dad see it ? Take photos and show him.

Why are you both spending so much time arguing about it? There is nothing to argue about. It is disgusting and they need to stop it, and follow according to your hygiene rules.

Where is their mum ? Are they doing this to be spiteful.

RatherBeRiding · 29/09/2022 14:57

That's grim. Especially as these are not young children. Has this behaviour come on gradually - if things have been good for several years it seems strange this is suddenly happening. What's your DH's take on this? He is their parent, after all.

Do you think the unflushed toilet is all of them or just one of them? Do you send them back to dispose of the used san pads/clean up the toilet straight away? If you keep insisting they clean up after themselves every single time would that help? Of course you shouldn't have to, and this is basic hygiene, but it's not your job to clean up after them.

Original poster

Babywasinacorner · 29/09/2022 15:01

No no developmental issues.

We argue because I think they need to spend more time at their mums until they can respect our home. My dh obviously doesn't want them to go.
I do show him what they've done and we've both talked / shouted til we are blue in the face at them.
I don't want to separate and I'll be dammed if they make me but I'm dreaming of a life without this.
There mum is around. I've spoken to her about it. She says she has no issues there.

OP posts:

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 29/09/2022 15:02

That is grim and has a proper undertone of “I don’t give a shit about my family” What does DH say/do?

mamas12 · 29/09/2022 15:03

That is grim
is it recent behaviour? If it is then what is his problem by making them behave
its disrespectful
if you don’t already make them clean up after themselves immediately with sanctions for all three if one doesn’t own up then call him into the bathroom to do it every time

Original poster

Babywasinacorner · 29/09/2022 15:06

RatherBeRiding · 29/09/2022 14:57

I think it's ramped up a bit recently but looking back it's always been an issue but as they were younger I put it down to accidents/ age .
My Dh is as appalled as I am and repeatedly tells them but he was a right disney dad for the beginning part of our relationship and they dont show him much respect.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babywasinacorner · 29/09/2022 15:06

No one owns up to it so who do I call back when it happens?

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 29/09/2022 16:00

Who do you call back? All of them! They are probably getting a kick out of your reaction so stand your ground. And I would honestly be banning all of them from your home until they can behave appropriately but would your DH be prepared to back you up?

ICanHideButICantRun · 29/09/2022 16:03

I don't know how you can't bear it. What about your child, too? Ugh, it's really horrible. Obviously if there are special needs then things are different.

I'd be off out. I couldn't live like that.

RedWingBoots · 29/09/2022 16:04

he was a right disney dad for the beginning part of our relationship and they dont show him much respect.

He needs to send them, particularly the older one who is an adult, back to their mum's house when this happens.

The fact he refuses to give them firm boundaries means they will carry on.

beneathhereyes · 29/09/2022 16:47

You have a DH problem. Reducing contact is unreasonable. Your DH needs to clean up the sh*t and soiled pads until he comes up with a successful strategy to make them have more respect.

RedWingBoots · 29/09/2022 18:20

@beneathhereyes the oldest "child" is an adult.

You can send an adult packing if they are disrespectful simply because they are an adult.

PinkGinny · 30/09/2022 09:02

No argument that it is vile but you can't just ban them or tell them to stay away - the problem needs to be resolved not swept under the carpet. No cash, no treats, no lifts, no phone bills no whatever basically nowt until they stop behaving like toddlers in the toilet.

LastInTheQueue · 30/09/2022 13:02

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
my SC can be messy, but nothing like this.

When we first moved in together, DP was a bit of a Disney dad and I, to avoid the wicked stepmum label, found myself doing all and sundry for everyone. This only made me resentful and it wasn’t really fair on anyone - I was angry and they were oblivious. After a long chat, we all agreed that everyone cleans up after themselves. And anytime they make a mess outside of the norm, DP has to deal with it. Whether he cleans it up himself or gets them to do it, I really don’t care. I’m just not doing it.

I don’t think not having them stay is the solution - it’s their home too - but I would have their dad pick up on it every time. And I do mean every time. Either they clean up or he does. There is no argument to be had - they are his children, his responsibility.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 30/09/2022 15:18

Can you give them their own lavatory and leave them to it for the visit, with DH cleaning it when they have gone? If they have to deal with each other's shit they may put pressure on each other to clean up. You just step right back.

blockpavingismynightmare · 30/09/2022 15:23

With regard to the toilet stuff they are doing it deliberately. You have to get to the reason behind it. Are you going bananas when you find the sanitary towels? I bet they are all doing it on purpose. No problems with mum but doing it at yours? Not good. There must be a backstory

SnarkyBag · 30/09/2022 15:25

That’s disgusting I would just have to move out. At the very least it should be your DH cleaning it up every single time never you, but yeah overall I couldn’t live like that and would leave.

lickenchugget · 30/09/2022 15:28

This is absolutely disgusting. Are they doing it as some sort of power/control exercise? What do they say when they are asked about it?

If nothing has changes, I wouldn’t stick around either. But this might be their objective…

THisbackwithavengeance · 30/09/2022 15:32

Have you actually sat them down and asked them why and how you can help them remember to clean up after themselves? It's strange that there are no issues at their mums. Maybe they know you don't like them and want to send them away and this is how they react to that; it's very passive aggressive isn't it? I would ignore rather than shout tbh. Is there another toilet you can use if theirs has shit on it?

I am uncomfortable with suggestions to send them back to their mum's for bad behaviour. I'm sure you won't be sending your own DCs away when they are badly behaved. And that may lie the issue.

lickenchugget · 30/09/2022 15:37

Have you actually sat them down and asked them why and how you can help them remember to clean up after themselves?

No one should need to have this conversation with an NT 18 year old.

Aggypanthus · 30/09/2022 15:42

And who cleans it all up OP? Your husband? You?? Them... I bet they don't. Seriously though.. nobody can be happy living like this not even the perpetrators

toucaninjapan · 30/09/2022 15:54

I'm sorry for not being the bigger person, but that's disgusting and it's obviously done on purpose, I'd put that used pad inside SD's bag, sorry not sorry. Re poo, since it looks like you can't figure out who's doing it, I'll start with taking photos of the dirty loo and showing them to the children's mom. I wonder if SC's friends ever come around, would they like to see these photos too?
On a more serious note, that'll probably just escalate things. However since you and DH have already tried shouting, talking, speaking to mom and nothing worked, certainly it's time to implement a new strategy with more action and less talking maybe? Sorry for not being helpful here, but I totally sympathize OP!

jellymaker · 30/09/2022 16:01

They are doing it on purpose. Sorry but they are trying to hurt you or they enjoy winding you up. You should ignore it. Clean it up and carry on. As soon as they know you are not wound up the game will be over.

Arucanafeather · 30/09/2022 16:04

I think the method they’re using is distracting people… as humans are biologically programmed as most mammals are (domesticated dogs seem to be an exception to this 😂) to know fecal matter is a big risk to health. However, mammals also do weird things with their wee and poo when stressed and off kilter (if a cat wees and poos inappropriately or uncleanly , if there isn’t a physical illness cause then there will be a psychological one. People used to think it was appropriate to push the cat’s head into poo that was done in an inappropriate place to “teach” them better - that would now be considered cruelty.)

I think these children need help not raging at and being threatened. I suspect the fact the best solution feels to tell them to get themselves back to their mother’s gives a hint to some of the trauma in the mix here. If it was my children doing this, I would be getting my children some mental health/ trauma focused support help urgently - via doctor’s or school.

You’re right this situation is awful to live in. I wouldn’t cope well with it. It must be so stressful for you. The solution isn’t finding out how to stop them doing it IMO - the solution is getting them external, professional help PDQ to help them work out why on earth they’re doing this.

People always seem to think “attention seeking behaviour” is something bad to be punished rather than an alarm bell that all is not right here.

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