Older SS hijacked my son's bday

[Anuta77]

My son just turned 5 years old. We invited our friends with their kids around his age. I organised that little kids' activities in the yard for them.
Few days before the party, my DP announced that his 19 year old son decided to come with his new gfriend (never met her). This year, SS only saw my son ONCE (his choice).
The evening before the party, my excited SD (15) announced to me that the SS decided to also bring HER new boyfriend (never met him).
When they finally arrived, they also brought the oldest SS (22) who sees my son ONCE per year (his choice).

Obviously, because they rarely see my son and SS wanted his gfriend not to be bored and get to know my son, they totally monopolized him. The 19 year old is very loud and likes being the center of attention, so he entertained my son inside the house, while the little friends were playing on their own outside, which was embarassing and he didn't touch any of the activities I put outside. I just couldn't get him out and before the party he was really looking forward to seeing his friends!

The oldest SS then started a chess game, so they monopolized the dining room table and I had to ask several times to stop it to do the cake (not to mention that it was hard to detach people from the game to eat, etc.). And of course, being older, they left quiet late, so my son ended up going to bed exhausted and even had a nightmare probably from being overwhelmed.

At the end, it seems that at least the oldest kids had fun. My other son is 15 and it was obviously more interesting for him than a little kid's party, except that the party was for my 5 year old, who had a good time too, but really not in a way expected and almost not playing with those who I invited. The kids might just decide not to come to his bday next year if he doesn't play with them.

I guess I just wanted to rant and see how to avoid this situation in the future, as I really didn't expect it and nobody asked for my opinion, yet I'm the one organizing my son's bday parties.

Your DC had a good time, your DSC had a good time, the invited DC had a good time.

Your son was overtired after a party. Well, yes.

I am aware that I like random, unplanned things and many people don't. I do understand that. But really it sounds like a nice big family fun time.

I can see why you're frustrated at this and it does seem a bit rubbish for you. And I'm not saying it's ok.
However sounds like your 5 yo had a great day.

I think worrying that the other 5 year old guests might realise your son was the 'host' and never played with them so will not come next year is a bit of a stretch and you're massively over thinking it.

The most a 5 yo will take from a party was whether they enjoyed it and had fun, which I assume they did. Theyre unlikely to apply adult concepts like the host working the room or spend time with them all. I'd actually go as far as to say when they get invited to his 6th birthday party they won't cast their minds back to remember the previous party before deciding if they want to come to the next one. Their minds don't work that way at that age. Anyway, I'm sure they all had fun playing amongst themselves and enjoyed the activities you set up.

So your step son who doesn’t see his little brother very often came to his birthday, they all hung out together & had fun?

You’re over thinking it, the little kids won’t remember/care that he wasn’t with them the whole time.

You can’t micromanage how families interact with each other, I think you should accept they all had a nice day, even if it wasn’t quite what you’d pictured, nothing bad happened.

And your 5 year old would’ve been overtired & exhausted at the end of his birthday no matter what.

Oh that all sounds lovely actually - I'm getting an all the grandchildren hanging out in the kitchen at granny's vibe from the chess game. I know it's not what you pictured, but they made the effort to come to his party and played with him rather than ignoring him.

I can completely see why it was frustrating for you, but your ds will remember having an absolute ball at this party. Hopefully there are some good family photos of them all together.

Next year you could do a friends party and a separate family celebration? But it's lovely they are trying to build more of a conne with him.

I can see it didn’t go as expected but the main thing is that your DS enjoyed his own birthday party and it’s nice his older siblings wanted to come and join. I think you’re overthinking about his friends caring that he didn’t play with them; I’m not sure they’ll be that worried and it won’t stop them coming again next year

what a miserable view of what happened

@Anuta77

I don't see anything wrong here apart from maybe your DS needed to do something else with his friends. Say like organise a birthday thing at a indoor play area then after family comes. Or a different day for family.

Sometimes parties never go the way we planned.

You should be happy he got to see them even if they don't see your DS regularly. They made the effort to take their time out.

I bet your DP loved it all his DC together.

You really don't like your stepkids do you?

I'd be chuffed to bits if this happened at my son's birthday.

You contempt towards your step children is evident in this post they came and your son enjoyed their company.

OP I am with you on this one and it has nothing to do with stepchildren versus non step. Little kid parties are hard. It would’ve been nice if the teenagers had offered to help you with whatever you had planned, such as to help run the kiddie games outside. Often times people don’t realize they are changing a dynamic when they show up at the last minute, even if they are welcomed and well mannered.
It’s always good guestmanship to check with the host or hostess about what they have planned, If you invite yourself somewhere!

@TryingToBeLogical

But she lost control of the party she planned and allowed her DS to go play away from his friends..
I get this part when you say they won't attend next time. You allowed it to happen.

She could of said something to not let it go the way it went.

Ithurtbad,

That would be my suggestion next time. If extra people are showing up and she finds out at the last minute, she could tell them how glad she is they’re coming, because she could really use help with XYZ. And how much for a little son would love to have them involved doing XYZ. Hopefully that would keep the party on track as planned. And I agree, it’s rude to invite guests and then ignore them. Even if the friends were children, if they came to the son’s party and the son spent his whole time hanging out with his family and not his friends, in the culture where I grew up this would considered kind of rude. I can see why that bothered OP.

what a miserable view of what happened

I agree.

OP, your son may not even remember the kids you invited to his party. On the other hand, his siblings will be significant for the rest if his life.

He obviously loved spending this time with them. Why wouldn't he? It sounds like they all had a wonderful time together.

Many parents would be delighted with this outcome. It's such a shame you can't see it's value.

@Newusernameaug It's people like you that give this forum a bad name. When people post on this board is to have insight, not judgement from trolls who jump at any opportunity to judge to relieve themselves from their own life frustrations.

My SS can come and visit their father or little brother any time, yet they chose a small kids party that normally isn't interesting for young people (that's what everyone on this forum was saying anyway) and make it about themselves. Not to mention that his actual bday was another day and they could have came. So I don't need to be grateful.

Are you suggesting they deliberately sabotaged a 5 yo birthday party to make it all about them?!

I read some of your other messages elsewhere and your comptempt for SM is evident. If you had better reading comprehension, you would see that my SS DON'T BOTHER seeing their little brother and then, they crash a little kid's party and make it about them (if I complained that I invited them and they didn't come, people would call me stupid for expecting young men to be interested in a kid's party). "Luckily" I had other guests didn't show up due to illness, otherwise, I'm not sure I would have had enough food.

I'm not suggesting anything, I'm describing the situation. Normally when people crash at the party, they should at least ensure that there's enough food and cake and SS knows that I make everything myself including the cake, so I need at least to know the amount of people. We had some cancellations, so it ended up being ok.

You're not describing it in particularly balanced or factual language

Thank you, it's exactly my point, but as usual, people are jumping at SM's for complaining about anything regarding the step kids.

Given that my SS didn't show much interest in their little brother, other than the rare times they come to visit their father, inviting them to his bday just didn't seem to make sense and we can't have 2 additional days of celebrations on the weekend (as the actual bday was during the week), it's just too much for me. They don't even go to their father's bday or only one goes, depending on their mood or plans and suddenly they both show up and with more people.

I didn't allow my DS to play away from his friends, SS is very charming and wouldn't let go of him. He likes being the center of attention and you can't expect a small kid to just detach from this and go play. I called him numerous times, even asked SS to go outside, but to no avail. So yes, I lost control and I spent the party trying to please everyone.