Older SS hijacked my son's bday

[Anuta77]

My son just turned 5 years old. We invited our friends with their kids around his age. I organised that little kids' activities in the yard for them.
Few days before the party, my DP announced that his 19 year old son decided to come with his new gfriend (never met her). This year, SS only saw my son ONCE (his choice).
The evening before the party, my excited SD (15) announced to me that the SS decided to also bring HER new boyfriend (never met him).
When they finally arrived, they also brought the oldest SS (22) who sees my son ONCE per year (his choice).

Obviously, because they rarely see my son and SS wanted his gfriend not to be bored and get to know my son, they totally monopolized him. The 19 year old is very loud and likes being the center of attention, so he entertained my son inside the house, while the little friends were playing on their own outside, which was embarassing and he didn't touch any of the activities I put outside. I just couldn't get him out and before the party he was really looking forward to seeing his friends!

The oldest SS then started a chess game, so they monopolized the dining room table and I had to ask several times to stop it to do the cake (not to mention that it was hard to detach people from the game to eat, etc.). And of course, being older, they left quiet late, so my son ended up going to bed exhausted and even had a nightmare probably from being overwhelmed.

At the end, it seems that at least the oldest kids had fun. My other son is 15 and it was obviously more interesting for him than a little kid's party, except that the party was for my 5 year old, who had a good time too, but really not in a way expected and almost not playing with those who I invited. The kids might just decide not to come to his bday next year if he doesn't play with them.

I guess I just wanted to rant and see how to avoid this situation in the future, as I really didn't expect it and nobody asked for my opinion, yet I'm the one organizing my son's bday parties.

I don't have to agree with people who don't take time to read my OP. I don't know what they talked about, I can only talk about myself and for me, they were not invited. And even if one SS was invited (because he asked about the party), does that include his gfriend, his older brother whom my son doesn't even recognize, and my SD's new boyfriend? That's 4 grown-ups that I didn't consider when planning for food for example (and both SS are tall big men).
Because calling me names, just take time to think.

I thank everyone who took time to write a non-judgemental message.

I would have organized a party just for family if family showed interested in my child. I remember many messages on here saying that older step siblings have no interest in a young child's bday party and I would be ridiculous to expect that LOL.
A couple of months ago, my DP's niece came from another country. She stayed with the SS's as they live in the big city and are her age. She was very interested in spending time with my 5 year old and getting to know him and took several days to be with us. Well NOT EVEN ONCE, did my DP's sons and his niece (their cousin) spend time together with us. Either she was with them or with us. Not even when they went to a beach 20 min away from us, how hard is it to stop by to visit their brother? And there were plenty of opportunities, they are not constantly working.
Oh well. Next year, I'll take this possibility into account.

Are you the poster who had a thread before about how your eldest SS doesn't have a relationship with your child and it made you sad? Then it transpired that your DP goes to see his eldest son every week, but never takes your son with him. You expected only SS to make the effort to build a relationship.

Oh! And he has like 6 families because his parents keep starting new families and he's still in touch with his ex-step-parents etc. I remember that.

You have a real bee in your bonnet about that stepson. He can't do right with you.

It does sound like they all had a nice time, but I get that it changed the dynamic of the day. DS should have been able to play with his friends. I'm a bossy cow so my approach would have been to start cheerfully directing the DS about and giving them party related jobs, getting them to run games for the kids etc. So they could all still have time together but so it fit for more with how I'd planned it.

Next year if it's suggested do a family tea and a kids party sept. I agree your child should have been able to enjoy time outside with his little friends but it's also nice for home to spend time with his siblings so separate would work better.

Gosh...what is your problem OP.

Your son has step brothers and sisters who took an interest in him and to spend a day with him , and your son was happy.

We don't live forever, and one day you and your partner will not be around.

Hopefully, your sons step brothers and sisters will be around to support him in life.

@BadNomad
I didn't expect anything, I can only like or dislike the situation, just like any human being. My son first being a baby, then a toddler, couldn't make efforts to build any relationship and by the time he grows up, he might decide that he doesn't care. You don't miss what you don't have.

Oh! And he has like 6 families because his parents keep starting new families and he's still in touch with his ex-step-parents etc.

No, he doesn't have "like 6 families", that's you being judgemental. I have actually nothing against the oldest SS, he never did anything disrespectful, he simply lives his life while being apparently close to his ex-step-brother and ex SM, which is totally fine, but as someone who doesn't have a big family, I think missing out on relationships with extra people who could love you is too bad. At this point, I got used to the situation and it doesn't affect me anymore.
Just to show you that people are different, my DP's niece, the same age as SS, who lives in a different country, on a different continent, whose father also had 3 wives and who also has 3 other siblings was very much interested in getting to know her little cousin (my son). So stop feeling pity for the "poor" SS who's actually very lucky to have so many family members.

Ha, I didn't think about that LOL

You don't miss what you don't have.

Until you realise it many years later.

Sounds like your DSS doesn't want to be around you, rather than this being anything to do with his little brother. His dad goes to visit him away from the house (and you). His cousin came to visit you, but he stayed away. However, when he heard there was a party on, he saw the opportunity to come to the house to spend time with his brother while you were distracted. Attending a party as one of many guests and visiting someone's home feel quite different. The former entails much less pressure.

Poor lad can't win.

FYI, if your son doesn't spend much time with his big brother because you've made it uncomfortable for DSS to visit, he'll blame you and his dad. Shifting the responsibility onto DSS won't wash.

And loveisintheair is right. Of course we miss things we don't have.

Except that DS having fun really is relevant!!

You know nothing about what my TWO (but I guess you didn't read well before emitting your opinion) step sons feel about me and how WELL I treated them, despite one of them being difficult (not only with me, but with other people, including often making SD cry for nothing). Whatever I vent on this forum stays on this forum. It's basically a hidden insult, I guess you have nothing better to do in life than coming here to emit judgements. Poor you.

Well maybe the older SS who literally dissapeared from our lives will realise it later. When he came this summer, my son didn't even know who he was, maybe it affected him and will make him think. Who knows. I have a much older sister whom I only saw a few times in my life, but that's because she lived several hours away BY PLANE. I'm used to never seeing her and we're all ok.

Oh, so sorry, I stand corrected. It sounds like your two DSSs don't want to be around you.

Clearly, this changes nothing except that any negative opinions they have about you will appear more credible to your son in the future by virtue of them being shared.

@Anuta77 I think you have been given a really hard time here . My ds is 9 and he has had a party at home every year which I have organised. A lot of thought and preparation goes into it and if my sons older siblings came and just sat at

the table with him and played board games that they could do any day of the week I wouldn't be very happy . It was his party to play with his friends . They should have been helping with the food and organising of games and joining in . I think you have a right to be upset and annoyed I would be too .

But your son sounds like he had a fantastic time at the party. You are the only one who didn't enjoy it. It sounds like you were trying to control what everyone did at the party and you were trying to control how evert enjoyed it.
To avoid this in future, lighten up a bit, go with the flow. Arrange whatever needs arranging and let each to their own. You can set up a party but you cannot control how each person chooses to spend their time there.