Older SS hijacked my son's bday

[Anuta77]

My son just turned 5 years old. We invited our friends with their kids around his age. I organised that little kids' activities in the yard for them.
Few days before the party, my DP announced that his 19 year old son decided to come with his new gfriend (never met her). This year, SS only saw my son ONCE (his choice).
The evening before the party, my excited SD (15) announced to me that the SS decided to also bring HER new boyfriend (never met him).
When they finally arrived, they also brought the oldest SS (22) who sees my son ONCE per year (his choice).

Obviously, because they rarely see my son and SS wanted his gfriend not to be bored and get to know my son, they totally monopolized him. The 19 year old is very loud and likes being the center of attention, so he entertained my son inside the house, while the little friends were playing on their own outside, which was embarassing and he didn't touch any of the activities I put outside. I just couldn't get him out and before the party he was really looking forward to seeing his friends!

The oldest SS then started a chess game, so they monopolized the dining room table and I had to ask several times to stop it to do the cake (not to mention that it was hard to detach people from the game to eat, etc.). And of course, being older, they left quiet late, so my son ended up going to bed exhausted and even had a nightmare probably from being overwhelmed.

At the end, it seems that at least the oldest kids had fun. My other son is 15 and it was obviously more interesting for him than a little kid's party, except that the party was for my 5 year old, who had a good time too, but really not in a way expected and almost not playing with those who I invited. The kids might just decide not to come to his bday next year if he doesn't play with them.

I guess I just wanted to rant and see how to avoid this situation in the future, as I really didn't expect it and nobody asked for my opinion, yet I'm the one organizing my son's bday parties.

Someone on here told me the other day that if you are a step mum or have a penis you have absolutely no hope of getting an unbiased view on any situation. They are so so right! Lol. This thread really proves that point.

OP - if the step kids saw your son more then this whole thing wouldn't be an issue. It's the fact that they chose that day to suddenly play step sibling of the year. I suspect though that there was a lot of 'showing off' involved as they wanted to look good in front of their boyfriend/girlfriend. They no doubt got swept up in it and didn't realise what they were doing.

The only thing you can do now is learn from it and do two separate days next time.

You are by no means a bad step mum for this so please please ignore all of the horrible comments. It's really not worth the headspace 😄.

Really?

If you were 5 and with all your friends? Would you care or even notice?

If you were an adult? Did you plan on hanging out with the 5 year old birthday boy on his party day with his friends? More fool you! They run round screaming their heads off and mainlining sugar, not chatting politely to relatives. Wouldn't you be talking to the other adults?

Honestly? It's mayhem of one kind or another if you run a joint family-friends party for a five year old. This is just one variant.

This is unnecessary.

i understand that all your plans were changed by the arrival of the step children, that you rarely see, and their boyfriends and girlfriends.
That many extra adults is too much for a small party for 5 year olds.
luckily , your child enjoyed themselves, but I understand your frustration.
I wouldn’t invite them to the next one.

It sounds like you just don’t like stepsiblings. It sounds like your son had a lovely day on his birthday and his stepsiblings wanted to understandably make a fuss of him on his birthday? I’m not sure how you have turned that into a negative thing? Also 5 year olds don’t hold grudges like that - I’m sure nobody will be like ‘You didn’t play with me enough at your last party so I’m not coming to your next one’ 😂

I have older half siblings that I would see maybe once or twice a year when they were in their twenties (8 and 12 years older than me). They were interesting and charming. I love them and I built my relationship with them unencumbered by parental resentments or expectations. If you are unhappy op that is your feelings hurt, your expectations of your step children. It has nothing to do with your son or his own relationship with his siblings which will develop independently.

So as long as you don't involve the other children, feel free to vent to your husband about the cavalier attitude of his oldest son. Make your expectations clear to the older children about their visits. You have your own relationship with your step children, you decide how you feel it is no one else's right to tell you how to feel. Just don't project your resentments about your SC onto your children - they have a right to work out for themselves how they feel about the members of their family as they grow up.

I get your point OP, but the arrangement you have currently feels more like a family party with the birthday bit tagged on.

Soon your DS friends will be different from the family ones anyway, so suggest you keep the big thing more as a family bbq day and do something separate for DS birthday. It can still be at the house but make it his friends only, not DPs as well.

They are teenagers (some of them early teenagers!) That's just what they're like. It's not on them to be organising regular social visits. They have busy lives and that's just not their perspective at this age. They probably just heard about the party and thought it would be nice to go.

DC's see their similarly-aged cousins about this much, couple times a year, and they live v close, but they love each other and would come to a family party.

What does their dad think about this? Presumably he had some opinion or input?

You do seem like you don't like them with your word choice tbh.

The SC are kids - it’s not on them to be organising how often they visit, where’s their dad in all this?

Why are you having a pop at teenagers and not even mentioning their dad at all? Why wasn’t he involved in the party plans or visiting arrangements? You’ve not mentioned him once, was he even there?

I think you’re being very defensive in your replies OP, I understand you expected everyone to jump on slagging off some kids but you and their dad are the adults here.

Try and take a step back and read peoples opinions without taking so much offence.

I sort of hoped they would come later, but strangely they came exactly on time

Wait, so they were actually INVITED and you are complaining that they came? Dared to come when they were asked to, no less, instead of reading your mind and being late! (Which you would also have complained about!)

Quite, people (teenagers especially) aren’t mind readers.

If you wanted them to come later then say that, it’s bizarre to complain about anyone doing exactly as they’ve been invited to do.

She invited them but didn't want them to come at all, more like.
Then she could have slagged them off for that instead.
Poor kids
Perhaps the father has passed away? He doesn't seem to have played any role in anything.

I'm on your side OP. If I - as an adult - went to a friend's birthday party and was ignored because they were being monopolised by family who normally don't give a toss I'd be miffed.

It wasn't a grown up party or a family party, it was a kids party for your DS and his friends and they - as grown ups - should have respected that and either come at a different time or helped.

I agree with you OP. Guests should fit join in or at least not disrupt the activities that the host has planned.
This was a small children’s party . Older siblings either needed to help with th games for the little ones or amuse themselves separately and join in with cake later.

The vast majority of people on here take a different view Op. you should reflect on your position.

Did you ever stop to wonder why your step kids don't visit often? It's clearly not because of your kids.
I'd reflect on that too if I were you.

This with bells on.

And out of all this, the 5 yo is the golden not as he's the joint dc if the current couple

@Anuta77 this is all such a shame. I remember a lot of your previous posts & if I recall correctly last year you were quite hurt that they didn’t make the effort for your little ones birthday.
since then one of your SKs was really horrible to you over some issues his mum had had, I remember feeling really sorry for you about that. It came across as being very embarrassing (I know I would have been upset & hurt about both the mums & the sons behaviour if it were me). I remember too thinking that your DH was rubbish not to have really stepped up for you but there’s only so much you can take from a post & maybe he did.
it is very VERY hard not to carry forward resentment when you didn’t receive an apology for that behaviour, & it must be very hard seeing the SK in your home unexpectedly. I do feel for you but I wonder if with a bit of distance this isn’t so much about whether they do / don’t show up for parties because if people just read it as that they’d cast you as the villain - a bit ‘dammned if they do & dammned if they don’t’, & more about the hurt they have caused you, how stressful it must be to have them turn up & (not deliberately) overrule the choices you had made for your lads birthday, and just overall bringing up horrible feelings about those experiences on a day when you weren’t expecting them? I know it’s their dads home & therefore there’s too, but in your own home surprises aren’t always welcome if they weren’t invited. I know that with some of my high conflict family members I sort of need a bit of notice & to take a few breaths to be ready, I’d feel really stressed if they surprised me with a visit.
I’m not suggesting that you forgive SK & move on for the rude incident over your SD’s party / the drama with mum for HIS sake, but for your OWN. Because otherwise everything he does is going to wind you up big or small until really petty things become huge in your head & it will get so much worse with time if this isn’t resolved in how he makes you feel. Unlike with a friend, he isn’t going anywhere, if you’re married to his dad he will always be around in some way. & things like this will just fester until every time you see him there’s a bit of a ‘fight or flight’ response if that makes sense, and it’s very destructive for you to have to keep going through this feeling.
I know the step mum job is hard & everything that comes with it. Your feelings aren’t wrong they’re yours to feel but how you manage them are what matters. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to vent on mumsnet it’s definitely better than being rude to them or arguing with DP but I think you probably deserve a bit of harmony in this relationship with your SK & sometimes as frustrating as it is it does mean putting their sh*t behind you & not letting their ways drive you completely mad. He’s probably completely moved on from the whole thing himself & you deserve to as well. Don’t let them live rent free in your head, you have bigger things in your life!
all the best & please don’t take any of this as a personal attack

I'm confused - were the step kids invited or did they show up unannounced?

@CandyLeBonBon I got the impression not invited from later comments

No, they asked their father about the time, he asked me (as he's not the one who organized it and he told them). I was told that only one SS was coming with his gfriend. Then I was told that they are bringing SD's boyfriend and when they came, the older SS was there too. About coming late, it's something that I have observed in the past. I mean seriously, do you really think that I would complain about people coming when I invited them??? I mean seriously?

Where did I say that I invited them? I was just TOLD that one SS was coming with his gfriend and he's usually very bad with time. Why I didn't invite them? Because on this precise forum, people in the past would tell me that it's ridiculous of me to think that older siblings would ever be interested in some kid or his birthday even if he's their half-brother. And when someone never shows interest in your child (and there are relatives like that), inviting them is strange. Not to mention that they could have came for his actual bday, they could have imagined that the party would be full of small kids.

@georgarina Instead of reading the comments of people with reading comprehension difficulties, base your opinion on my post if you're capable of actually analysing anything instead of jumping at conclusions and insulting. I didn't say I invited them. Seriously, how stupid do you think I am to invite someone and complain that they came??

Their father - also the father of the birthday boy - told them there was a party and what time it was starting. That's an invitation.

Bloody hell you're stubborn!

@Bb16103
Thank you for your supporting words! "Living rent-free is my head" is exactly what's going on. This SS has always been difficult but I always chose to see the best in him and moved on, until he crossed the line.

And I'm not even sure if coming to my son's bday was entirely to please him. My DP told me that he wanted to "show" my son to his gfriend and taking the initiative to invite my SD's new bfriend was definetely to score points with her (he often made her cry just because he felt like being annoying, so from time to time, he needs to be nice), etc.

But you're very right, I have to somehow move on for my own sake. Nobody cares about what happened anyway.