Older SS hijacked my son's bday

[Anuta77]

My son just turned 5 years old. We invited our friends with their kids around his age. I organised that little kids' activities in the yard for them.
Few days before the party, my DP announced that his 19 year old son decided to come with his new gfriend (never met her). This year, SS only saw my son ONCE (his choice).
The evening before the party, my excited SD (15) announced to me that the SS decided to also bring HER new boyfriend (never met him).
When they finally arrived, they also brought the oldest SS (22) who sees my son ONCE per year (his choice).

Obviously, because they rarely see my son and SS wanted his gfriend not to be bored and get to know my son, they totally monopolized him. The 19 year old is very loud and likes being the center of attention, so he entertained my son inside the house, while the little friends were playing on their own outside, which was embarassing and he didn't touch any of the activities I put outside. I just couldn't get him out and before the party he was really looking forward to seeing his friends!

The oldest SS then started a chess game, so they monopolized the dining room table and I had to ask several times to stop it to do the cake (not to mention that it was hard to detach people from the game to eat, etc.). And of course, being older, they left quiet late, so my son ended up going to bed exhausted and even had a nightmare probably from being overwhelmed.

At the end, it seems that at least the oldest kids had fun. My other son is 15 and it was obviously more interesting for him than a little kid's party, except that the party was for my 5 year old, who had a good time too, but really not in a way expected and almost not playing with those who I invited. The kids might just decide not to come to his bday next year if he doesn't play with them.

I guess I just wanted to rant and see how to avoid this situation in the future, as I really didn't expect it and nobody asked for my opinion, yet I'm the one organizing my son's bday parties.

@Thenose,

Starting your message with saying that I had a miserable view of what happened isn't really an introduction of someone who wants to teach me to be grateful.

If you read my OP, I mention that the SS DON'T BOTHER visiting their little brother. Last time the oldest SS came, my son didn't even know who he was! And he was mainly playing chess with other people anyway.
There's nothing particularly wonderful about siblings who visit you once or twice per year, relationships are not built at this pace.

Children who were invited are our friend's children, so they will stay in his life for a while. And saying that we shouldn't care about our friends and their children that were ignored isn't really a great suggestion.

Sure we took pictures and of course, I didn't show any discontent and I'm glad that my children had a good time and SD was happy to have her boyfriend there. It still wasn't very nice towards his little friends and their parents, our friends and my nephew (my son's cousin). I had to apologize several times. Anyway, I'll have to take the possibility that the SS will do something like that again into account.

If 16 out of 17 posters told me I was being unreasonable, I'd probably reflect on my position.

Starting your message with saying that I had a miserable view of what happened isn't really an introduction of someone who wants to teach me to be grateful.

You've basically ignored all the balance so that's rather your choice.

I suspect how you've behaved here on this thread is typical. Take issue with anyone who doesn't agree, ignore constructive criticism, and think you're right.

Try to see the best. You keep on that they 'never' see your son. Well they came to see your son. Be happy. That's what you want, isn't it?

Indeed! I'd also reflect on whether or not the birthday boy enjoyed his party and was happy to spend time with his siblings. OP doesn't seem to care much about that at all.

Your SC decided to spend the day with their half brother on their birthday, entertained him, and they had fun.

What is the problem ?

Aren't you happy that they have a good relationship ?

My youngest is 10 and has 3 much older half-siblings. If they all turned up to his birthday he would be thrilled. He looks up to them and loves having them around but they live 2 hours away so rarely get to see him much. Doesn't mean they don't love him. He would have been super stoked. Just be thankful you got through a party without tears/bleeding/anything broken. 😁

Next time the older step kids announce they'll be horning in on a little kid party, clap your hands and say how great it is that they'll be able to help with the party games and teach them all chess.

You let this one get away from you. That's on you.

@Anuta77

It doesn't matter if they don't normally see your DS they decided to see him at his birthday party. They made the effort this time.

I wonder what your DP thinks of all of this?

You just have to let it go. Next time plan it better. Like I said go soft play area then back to the house then family comes over.

You can't stop them coming to his birthday parties now in the future.

I obviously want them to have a good relationship, but seeing them once or twice per year isn't my idea of a good relationship. Like I mentionned before in one message, last time my son saw the oldest SS, he didn't even know who he was! So at this point, I don't really care. My son never really mentions them, so if they didn't come, he wouldn't have noticed or expected them to come. I asked him what he liked about his party and he didn't mention the brothers who came. Again, I'm not complaining about him having a good time, but about completely changing the party without the input of someone who plans this party.

My DP's sons come when they want. Nobody asks me anything, so I can't plan better next time other than myself contacting the SS who had the idea to come and invite other people, but we did have a fall out a few months ago and he wouldn't interpret it well. I sort of hoped they would come later, but strangely they came exactly on time, at the same time as his best friends and he didn't even pay attention to the friends that he couldn't stop talking about for a few days, nor to his cousin from my side. Oh well, next year, they might have other plans, it's not like it's a tradition.

How often does your son see his older half-siblings? Ours live 35 min away, one even has a car, but it's about once or twice per year, and they were moments when school was online, the events for young people were closed, there were a lot of opportunities to visit and they didn't take them. Last time, my son didn't recognize one of the brothers. He does recognize the other, but given the frequency they see each other, he doesnt look up to them or even mentions them. I think that it's worse to see someone make a fuss of you and then dissapear for a long time. My 14 year old son actually had a relationship with the 19 year old SS when he used to visit EOW and loved him, but even he got used to not seeing him and doesn't miss him anymore, the 5 year old never even had that level of contact.

Many of the people who judge SMs on this board also ignore things that they write and make the conclusions that they want. There are ways to talk to people and judgment isn't the best opening line. Your projections about my personality are just your projections, but they indicate something about yourself. But that has nothing to do with my OP.

I don't have to be happy because someone came to see my son once. I can distinguish between a genuine relationship (for example, the 15 year old SD comes to visit regularly and I know that having a relationship with her little brother is important to her) and someone who comes sporadically when he has nothing better to do. Obviously, there's more to the story than just the bday, but I was hoping to concentrate on one issue. All the best.

As your son gets older, if his siblings do not put much effort into their relationship with him all year round, he’ll realise that, and probably choose to be around people that do bother with him more. But for now he’s very young and just chooses whatever the most fun option is at the time. Same as younger kids tend to think Disney dads are great and only realise as they get older that mum is the one that is really the one that did all the parenting.

Your son had a good time. I’m sure his friends did too. Let it go, with time your son will understand the importance of the people that are always there for you as opposed to the ones that only show up when they want.

You clearly don't like your step DC. I wonder how much your attitude towards them is a factor in how little they bother to come over. They are young adults. They have their own lives and I don't think it's fair to expect them to spend drop everything to spend time with your DC all the time just because their dad had a kid with someone else. It seems like you're making everything about you and are totally unable to see anything from their point of view. Nearly everyone on this thread has disagreed with you and yet you're still convinced that you're right, I can't imagine that creates an environment when they would particularly want to be with you and your dc much.

Thank you! I didn't put it in my post, but one of my worries was the fact that the 19 year old makes a big deal out of him and then dissapears. He did the same with my now 14 year old, who to my surprise grew up very mature and who now sees throught it. Not all gold that shines.

And somewhere deep down, I think that the SS didn't come necessarily to please my son, but to feel good about himself, to show my son to his gfriend and what was the reason to bring my SD's boyfriend other than looking good in SD's eyes (SD is his half-sister)?

But yes, the most important is that my children had a good time. And I was glad to see SD happy about her boyfriend too, better than being bored with little kids, even if it wasn't about her that day.

Mine had a party with school friends and a little birthday tea with family separately at that age.

So there's a ...

22 year old SS.
19 year old SS.
15 year old SD who is only the half sister of the 19 year old (and 22 year old?)
14 year old boy (their half brother? Step brother?)
5 year old boy (their half brother)

And the older ones have never spent more than a few days a year with the 5 year old?
So since the 22 year old was 17 he only visited once a year. The 19 year old used to visit EOW and now doesn't. Those two also have a 15 year old half sister from somewhere else plus your 14 year old son as relations. You feel that SS2, when 14, didn't spend much quality time with your then 9 year old but luckily your son saw through him.

They all came to your 5 year olds party and played with him and made his day special. You are complaining about that.

You know who I feel sorry for? All these kids! What kind of family lives have these kids had? Most of the years you complain about - they were children! And obviously dealing with a lot! Where is the father is this tale of woe?

I have a 21 and 19 year old. Do you know how often they visit? About 4 times a year. Because that's young people for you! They are busy living their lives, having fun, travelling, studying. Don't expect to see your own 14 year old much once they go to uni either. Guess what ... he'll probably come back for a birthday party, maybe bring his girlfriend, then he'll be off again. That's life if they are having a good time. I bet you don't complain then, or think your then 9 year old needs to see through him

We hosted my DD's 5th birthday party yesterday. I put a lot of effort into the flow and the activities to make sure it ran smoothly. I'd be massively annoyed at this.

OK maybe it's not the biggest deal that DS spent a lot of time inside, especially as it sounds like it was a party for adults and children? But monopolizing the dining room table when you need to do the cake is just rude and twattish behaviour. I'm pretty baffled that people think that's OK just because your son had fun.

I can totally see why this was annoying for you - yes what happened sounds pleasant but it should have happened on a different day, not at a 5 year old's birthday party. A little bit of common sense should have told them that - the chess anecdote really brings that home, it's a ridiculous thing to be doing in the circumstances.

In terms of how to avoid it happening, do you not have the authority to simply be frank and open with them? If my SC had done this I would have just openly said to them DS needed to get back to his party now and let's catch up later.

Yes I imagine that is what OP was doing before everyone else turned up!

Yes to be honest if I was a guest I'd be pretty pissed off

I’m with you OP. I understand completely. SC paying no attention to your DS’s life whatsoever just to turn up for the party and making it a big attention seeking exercise. Your DS having fun is irrelevant. That’s not the event you planned. It’s indeed awkward when the guests of same age group left alone to play separately from the birthday child. SS knew what they are doing. Using a place to invite their dates and to show off being nice with the kid. They will disappear for another year I’m sure.

Most people I know have two parties one chaotic one for the child and their friends then later a family one for grandparents, sunts and uncles etc. Sounds like next year you need to do something similar, keeping everyone involved but don't mention the children's party or go to a venue.

I’d have done a kids party and then a separate one for family. I can see why it irritated you OP but I do think you have an issue with your SC. I don’t know of many teens who make time for little brothers and I guess it also depends on your relationship with them? It can be challenging with blended families. Ultimately if your DS had a great time then that’s the main thing. You’re annoyed because it didn’t go to your plan.