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Original poster

Aita? Christmas plans

77 replies

Sms1811 · 16/09/2022 18:34

Been with my partner for over 6 years now, he has a 12y who I adore and we have a toddler. Xmas plans have always been that we pick him up at tea time on Xmas day despite us asking lots of times to have him Xmas eve and Xmas day and drop him off Xmas tea time but never been allowed. He’s now asked what the plans are for Xmas. I said that probably would be the same as always, his reply was “it’s only been like that since you’ve been here” which was quite hurtful but not the point and also not true. His mum now wants us to have him Xmas eve evening and Xmas day I’m assuming because she’s now got a new baby. It’s frustrating because we’ve always wanted to have him but I feel now it’s been dictated and I don’t like it and not only that we’ve already planned our Xmas around picking him up at 4 which is a pain anyways so now will have to change everything around again! And not only that, to be perfectly honest it’s our toddlers first Xmas they will understand and having a teenager in tow when doing the things we have planned for the day I know will really annoy him cos he won’t want to do it and our toddler will. I know the last bit probs make me an ah but I just hate being dictated to especially when it always us doing the car journeys and pick ups Etc. There a lot more to the story and don’t really wanna get into it. I just wanna know if I’m being unreasonable considering it’s been the same for 12 years. Of course we want to have him, he’s our son but seems it always on his mums terms

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Flyingf1edgelings · 16/09/2022 18:41

If you loved him as you say you would be delighted to finally have him. You give his mum too much head space. Poor boy his mum wants him away for Christmas and you don’t want him as feel being dictated to have him. It’s bad over fighting over having a child but to me it is worse nobody wants him.

Flyingf1edgelings · 16/09/2022 18:42

Bit like out with the old in with the new now you both have babies toddlers.

Snugglemonkey · 16/09/2022 18:44

Yabu. You are getting what you have asked for many times and your stepson wants it. If he is your son, and you love him, what is the problem?

SummerHouse · 16/09/2022 18:45

You have always wanted him for Christmas and now you have him. I would take the win and replan the day. Honestly, don't spoil it for yourself.

The issue is ex can dictate terms. And yes, that's really frustrating. Don't make the issue about who doesn't have a 12 year old child. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I bring much baggage after being evicted from step mums at about 12 because I was "selfish".

bbcdefg · 16/09/2022 18:46

It's only September. What plans do you have at this stage that can't be changed?

You wanted him for Christmas and now you're getting him for Christmas. What's the problem?

hulahoopqueen · 16/09/2022 18:48

I understand what you mean about things not being on your terms. It must feel that the rug has rather been pulled out from under you with the change in an age-old tradition.
I do feel sorry for DSS here - I'm sure this is not your intention but it does come across that both families would rather not have him there for the day itself, and while I'm sure you've not given him this impression, it is quite sad to read.
Would mum be amenable to an every-other-year alternating pattern for Xmas day/Boxing Day from this year onwards? So at least you all know where you stand.

aSofaNearYou · 16/09/2022 18:48

What are the plans you have that would need to be changed/he wouldn't like?

StikeandRobin · 16/09/2022 18:48

Flyingf1edgelings · 16/09/2022 18:42

Bit like out with the old in with the new now you both have babies toddlers.

Quite.

Poor boy Sad

Dotcheck · 16/09/2022 18:50

Yes, yes you are

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2022 18:51

What are your plans that have to be changed?

As this is the first one your toddler will remember I think it’ll be lovely for him to have his brother there?

I’m very impressed with how organised you are. It’s September, all I’ve planned is to buy a tree at some point and eat a nice meal on the day.

SeptemberSon · 16/09/2022 18:53

What do you have planned in a day that your SC wouldn't like doing?!

Say yes, you'd love to have him. He's going to be feeling pushed out and even worse if he detects a hint of resentment from you.

lunar1 · 16/09/2022 18:53

You've always wanted your stepson for Christmas, except the year when you actually get to have him?

IncompleteSenten · 16/09/2022 18:53

It's September.

That is plenty of time to change stuff.

What matters is this child will finally get a Christmas with his dad.

Make that what matters. Not how you feel about his mum.

AnnaKorine · 16/09/2022 18:56

Curious as to what these problematic xmas day plans are to be honest! Can’t imagine what would be the issue.

PickySlackTastic · 16/09/2022 18:58

It’s okay to feel annoyed that decisions are always on ex’s terms.

But you need to get past that really quickly because there is a child here who, if he got wind of that annoyance, would - arguably correctly- feel like neither of his families want him on Christmas Day.

GrazingSheep · 16/09/2022 18:59

What does his father think ?

Wibbli · 16/09/2022 19:02

Poor lad! Please don’t let him think you don’t want him, @Sms1811. Christmas is what you make it, so make it extra special. You’ll find in the next couple of years he won’t want to spend it with either family.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 16/09/2022 19:08

Is 12 not that sweet spot where they don't believe so can be in on the magic for your toddler but young enough that they still enjoy the whole thing? (My eldest is 6.... can you tell?)

I think I'd make a big fuss and ask him what Xmas Eve traditions he'd like to make in your house. Like fully loaded hot choc, or Christmas Eve movie. Get matching pjs for the 4 of you. But then I'm a sap and love starting "traditions" even if they end up not so much tradition as being "that one time we did that".

Motnight · 16/09/2022 19:09

GrazingSheep · 16/09/2022 18:59

What does his father think ?

What does the step son think?

HardLanding · 16/09/2022 19:09

What could you possibly be doing over those two days that a 12 year old wouldn’t like?!

HaPPy8 · 16/09/2022 19:11

Yes you are the “A” as you asked! Poor kid! It’s September!

EarlyMorningBeachRun · 16/09/2022 19:13

Aita?

Yes, you are the arsehole.

TwinkleChristmas · 16/09/2022 19:18

Tell her no.
Say you plan to have him as normal this year as plans are already in place your end and you will have him Xmas eve next year.

Original poster
Sms1811 · 16/09/2022 19:18

Like I’ve previously said in my post, of course we want him we’ve been asking for him for the last 4 years and his dad even before then. We’ve asked to take it in turns and it’s always been a no unfortunately and I totally get it, I wouldn’t want to be away from my kids at Xmas either but we have been. I suppose the most annoying thing is how it’s been put across, not communicated by his mum just a remark by our son, which has put us both about a bit. We’ve both said yeah of course he can come no worries and me and his dad have spoke about it privately and decided just to ask his mum what’s going on and what’s lead to it just so we understand and that because we’re having him this year we’d like to take it in turns moving forward and see how that goes. In terms of what we had planned at Xmas is going to a Xmas day party to see Santa etc that’s very much targeted at toddlers, no major issue like not at all I just know my preteen very well at this point and this will deffo not be his scene haha

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 16/09/2022 19:21

No way is there a Christmas day party. You've got that wrong. Or it's made up.

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