Aita? Christmas plans

[Sms1811]

Been with my partner for over 6 years now, he has a 12y who I adore and we have a toddler. Xmas plans have always been that we pick him up at tea time on Xmas day despite us asking lots of times to have him Xmas eve and Xmas day and drop him off Xmas tea time but never been allowed. He’s now asked what the plans are for Xmas. I said that probably would be the same as always, his reply was “it’s only been like that since you’ve been here” which was quite hurtful but not the point and also not true. His mum now wants us to have him Xmas eve evening and Xmas day I’m assuming because she’s now got a new baby. It’s frustrating because we’ve always wanted to have him but I feel now it’s been dictated and I don’t like it and not only that we’ve already planned our Xmas around picking him up at 4 which is a pain anyways so now will have to change everything around again! And not only that, to be perfectly honest it’s our toddlers first Xmas they will understand and having a teenager in tow when doing the things we have planned for the day I know will really annoy him cos he won’t want to do it and our toddler will. I know the last bit probs make me an ah but I just hate being dictated to especially when it always us doing the car journeys and pick ups Etc. There a lot more to the story and don’t really wanna get into it. I just wanna know if I’m being unreasonable considering it’s been the same for 12 years. Of course we want to have him, he’s our son but seems it always on his mums terms

Where is there a Christmas Day party with Santa? He's been by then.

Definitely no Christmas Day parties for toddlers! You spend Christmas Day at home / families! Even if you have planned to eat out for dinner, it’s very expensive and not aimed at toddlers!

Then his dad should raise him better. Raise him to understand that there will be times where things are more for his little brother, especially seeing Santa at Xmas. Encourage him to get involved in family things. My son is 5 years older than my daughter, he loved bring in the know that Santa wasn’t real whilst keeping his little sister excited for Santa because, he was/is kind because that’s how he been raised.

Unusual plans, but I would just have him and not change them.

being in the know

In response to the original question, it’s not unreasonable to be annoyed she gets to call the shots all the time (step mum here, I get it!) but honestly, take it as a win, you’ve got what you have been asking for. Your toddler will love having his brother there and even preteens / teens tend to mellow a little on Christmas Day.

Christmas day toddler party though, sorry, I skim read and presumed Xmas Eve. That’s odd.

Sorry typo Xmas eve party*

Where is this 'Xmas day party for toddlers'?

Presumably the toddler party will be during the earlier part of the day and won’t be for too long
Your dss might prefer to stay in the house rather than go with you.

You go with your DS, and let your partner have Christmas Eve with the child he has not had it with since he was small.

Fucking Hell.

No reason for her DH to miss out on something he'd planned with his toddler. They can all go.

She’s saying the DSS won’t like it. That’s the obvious solution.

The poor man hasn’t had any Christmas Eves with his child for YEARS. Missing a toddler party is nothing in comparison.

As I was the child in that scenario (my mother was also a spiteful, controlling nightmare), I was 16 before I got this with my Dad. Thank fuck there wasn’t a wife around by that point to piss and moan about it. It’s also the reason why me and my ex alternate Christmas.

Sounds like you are looking for drama. You wanted him at Christmas. You have him. You have four months notice of this. You now think you will have a discussion with the mum to discuss it being alternate. Why? To make a point? To possibly have an argument? Most Santa parties have happened by Xmas eve or day by the way. Hard to know how you typed 'day' instead of 'eve'.

Two sentences in this thread sum it up for me:

”Or it’s made up.”
and
“Sounds like you are looking for drama.”

Ummm, sorry! A) it's September. It's not like this is a 'last minute change'
B) you've wanted to have more of him t Christmas
C) your child is going to remember this Christmas (your words) - how fantastic it's with his older sibling to make memories with

Not seeing the problem. But go ahead.

*She’s saying the DSS won’t like it. That’s the obvious solution.

The poor man hasn’t had any Christmas Eves with his child for YEARS. Missing a toddler party is nothing in comparison*

And OP said this is toddlers first Christmas he will understand, lots of families do things together at Christmas rather than separating whenever one of them isn't overly keen. DSS is part of the family, he can do something that isn't aimed at him for a couple of hours rather than everything having to be changed on principle of him "having it worse".

You have him as offered, and be delighted. Who cares what his mum's reasons are?

I get why its annoying. DSC's mum plays silly games around Xmas depending on when her new boyfriends kids are around. It's very frustrating. However.. if you go with one year DH's turn one year her turn then this year is your turn and you just carry on with your plans if you go to the toddler party separately then fine. That is the way it is. Then next Christmas is Your Christmas to decide what to do.

going to a Xmas day party to see Santa etc that’s very much targeted at toddlers

ah, well, this all totally makes sense now. You definitely can’t have your step son for Xmas if you’ve already booked an Xmas day party targeted at toddlers

This is a very strange post. If you are real and you’ve booked something toddlerish already for Xmas Eve, if will only be for a couple of hours tops and not late, so have your DSS over and make a fuss of doing something nice with him when and after your toddler goes to bed. I’ve been with my OH for 6 years and we’ve only been ‘allowed’ to have my DSC once for Xmas in that time. Just get on with it and make it a great time for all of you - that’s not tricky!

YABU
It's plenty of notice and your child will be able to0 spend Christmas with his brother - perfect.

DSS is part of the family, he can do something that isn't aimed at him for a couple of hours rather than everything having to be changed on principle of him "having it worse".

It’s hardly everything being changed is it @aSofaNearYou

And @HardLanding didn’t say the DSS had it worse. She was expressing sympathy for the dad missing out on never having his DSS for Christmas Eve. Maybe he’d prefer to stay miss the party and be with DSS.

Mind you, a toddler Christmas Day Eve party that is planned and booked over three months in advance must be very special indeed so both the dad and DSS would be FOOLS to miss it! Hope the DSS can get a ticket or the party isn’t already at capacity OP! Snort.

Yabu and definitely an arsehole.

My objection is with the blanket statement that he should just automatically spend Christmas Eve with just DSS rather than continue with his plans with the wider family but including DSS. I appreciate that some families prefer to do things separately so nobody is ever doing an activity that isn't targeted to you, but many don't, and this separation would just not be necessary.