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Original poster

Aita? Christmas plans

77 replies

Sms1811 · 16/09/2022 18:34

Been with my partner for over 6 years now, he has a 12y who I adore and we have a toddler. Xmas plans have always been that we pick him up at tea time on Xmas day despite us asking lots of times to have him Xmas eve and Xmas day and drop him off Xmas tea time but never been allowed. He’s now asked what the plans are for Xmas. I said that probably would be the same as always, his reply was “it’s only been like that since you’ve been here” which was quite hurtful but not the point and also not true. His mum now wants us to have him Xmas eve evening and Xmas day I’m assuming because she’s now got a new baby. It’s frustrating because we’ve always wanted to have him but I feel now it’s been dictated and I don’t like it and not only that we’ve already planned our Xmas around picking him up at 4 which is a pain anyways so now will have to change everything around again! And not only that, to be perfectly honest it’s our toddlers first Xmas they will understand and having a teenager in tow when doing the things we have planned for the day I know will really annoy him cos he won’t want to do it and our toddler will. I know the last bit probs make me an ah but I just hate being dictated to especially when it always us doing the car journeys and pick ups Etc. There a lot more to the story and don’t really wanna get into it. I just wanna know if I’m being unreasonable considering it’s been the same for 12 years. Of course we want to have him, he’s our son but seems it always on his mums terms

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bg21 · 17/09/2022 17:18

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ClocksGoingBackwards · 17/09/2022 17:18

It’s mildly irritating, but you would be the arsehole if you complained about your plans having to change for Christmas and it’s still the middle of September. The ex is giving you plenty of time to make plans that include your step son. Things always change anyway as children get older. It’s to be expected.

Lilithslove · 18/09/2022 01:38

The weirdest thing about this is that you've planned Christmas already! I have no idea what the plans are for Christmas with DSCs yet and I'm not intending on thinking about it for at least 2 months.

FrecklesMalone · 18/09/2022 02:01

A toddler doesn't give a fuck what happens a 12 year old does. He is the absolute priority. Make it hugely special for him. The toddler will be happy with twinkly lights and a new toy.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/09/2022 02:16

Get your DH to clarify with his ex the plans.

Then cancel the Xmas Eve toddler party and do something for the whole family. Toddler won’t notice or care and you can still do something amazing. Hope you all have a great day

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 18/09/2022 02:19

Christmas brings out the best in teenagers, especially with a younger sibling. You could get dh to talk to the ex and maybe pick him up after the toddler thing on Christmas Eve. There are lots of fun things they can do together too - get them to decorate a gingerbread house together maybe. You can add to your plans.

Weenurse · 18/09/2022 02:27

Rope him in with the plans for younger sibling, ask for opinion and input. Teenagers like to be included in planning and treated as they are growing up and their role is changing.
Give him specific job, do you do elf on the shelf, can this be his responsibility?
Tree decorating, can you leave that to the two of them?
Biscuit making or decorating ?

HappyHappyHermit · 18/09/2022 06:52

Just do the Christmas party with Father Christmas another time before Christmas, it sounds as though the child may actually still be too young to enjoy it properly anyway how lovely for your child to have his first Christmas with his brother, you can have a couple of lovely family days together - brilliant! You know now, which is plenty of time to plan some fun things that will work for all of you if you want to.

CircleofWillis · 18/09/2022 08:23

Have you confirmed this with his mum or have you just heard it from your son so far?

nachoavocado · 18/09/2022 08:32

FrecklesMalone · 18/09/2022 02:01

A toddler doesn't give a fuck what happens a 12 year old does. He is the absolute priority. Make it hugely special for him. The toddler will be happy with twinkly lights and a new toy.

No he isn't the absolute priority. That's not how family works. But yes he should be included and tbh I think given its September you have plenty of time to change your plans if needed. Or go to the toddler party with your DC still.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2022 09:12

Lilithslove · 18/09/2022 01:38

The weirdest thing about this is that you've planned Christmas already! I have no idea what the plans are for Christmas with DSCs yet and I'm not intending on thinking about it for at least 2 months.

A lot of people say this but honestly I think people really vary in this regard. Every year is a little awkward between my DP and I as my family broadly know who is visiting who from about halfway through the year, whereas his family will wait until a couple of weeks before Christmas to confirm if they want to see each other. I have to spend ages fobbing my family off because I'm not sure what's happening yet. And that's without the SC element - we've already had the unexpected offer to have DSS this year when we were expecting to have it with my parents, and now potentially having to cancel.

Planning late is not the only way.

TryingToBeLogical · 18/09/2022 13:51

Knowing in September is on the extreme end of the spectrum, but my family was also hideous about not being able to commit for plans and everyone else was put on hold making planning miserable all around. It’s actually nice that you know well in advance and can adjust. Four months
ahead, it’s hard to work up any anxiety about “changes.” And are you sure the 12 yo wouldn’t like going to the toddler party? Some older kids like that stuff and enjoy the little kids’ excitement. Why not take him, and then couple it with another event he’d
enjoy a bit more. Special meal beforehand or treat or whatnot. And tell him how the toddler is so chuffed at having his ultra-cool big brother there at the special party.

fastandthecurious1 · 18/09/2022 16:11

Correct me if I'm wrong but there seems to be absolutely no issue with your step son now coming but every bit wrong with the fact that's it's now because moms decided it's ok and she ultimately choosing and organising your plans.

I bet this. All our contact was military scheduled we were rarely allowed extra from EOWand half hols and inset days. Never over night any week days in term terms. For zero reason than she said so.

However whenever she wanted to change plans ( admittedly not stupidly often but still) but we could have the kids whenever and that frustrated me that I got in a very good routine and then randomly I'd come home on a Friday and the kids would be there till Sunday morning on a non Kid weeks and I remember being furious, or a random weeknight they would come for tea with bags and she would say oh I'll be out till late so they may as well stay (we used to live across the road from school)

Again I would be livid. It wasn't the kids it was that we didn't have the luxury of planning time extra and it was that I hated that DH never said no to her because why would he but I used to be desperate for him to say no actually that doesn't work for us. For no reason other than to have control too.

This doesn't make you a bad person op c

nachoavocado · 18/09/2022 16:13

@fastandthecurious1 Yes i get this too. It should work both ways.

nachoavocado · 18/09/2022 16:15

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2022 09:12

A lot of people say this but honestly I think people really vary in this regard. Every year is a little awkward between my DP and I as my family broadly know who is visiting who from about halfway through the year, whereas his family will wait until a couple of weeks before Christmas to confirm if they want to see each other. I have to spend ages fobbing my family off because I'm not sure what's happening yet. And that's without the SC element - we've already had the unexpected offer to have DSS this year when we were expecting to have it with my parents, and now potentially having to cancel.

Planning late is not the only way.

Show quote history

Yes I mean a lot of people plan early.

Hearthnhome · 18/09/2022 16:18

Your dh has asked every year and been told no.

Though as a teenager, he should have been consulted for quite a few years, imo.

Surely your dh was going to ask again this year? Because he wants both his children with him at Christmas.

This way, no need to ask. DH gets what he has always wanted, everyone is happy.

A Christmas Eve childrens party sounds like a nightmare tbh, with lots of children at peak giddiness. But no reason he can’t go with you.

I feel bad for him. You wanted him until your child knew what Christmas was. His mum wanted him until she had a new baby. All sounds a bit shit for him.

maddy68 · 18/09/2022 16:19

Wow ....have him Xmas Eve. It's easier for everyone and it's what you have asked for previously
UATA sorry

gogohmm · 18/09/2022 17:19

Both you and his mum are being unreasonable. She's sidelining him due to her baby, you prefer your toddler, poor kid. Hope his dad is his advocate

nachoavocado · 18/09/2022 17:21

gogohmm · 18/09/2022 17:19

Both you and his mum are being unreasonable. She's sidelining him due to her baby, you prefer your toddler, poor kid. Hope his dad is his advocate

It's perfectly reasonable for OP to prefer her own child ffs

gogohmm · 18/09/2022 17:24

@nachoavocado

No it's not. You choose to be in a relationship with someone with a child then their child has to be factored in without bias. Dsd's needs are not inferior to that of my birth children. We compromise for all

nachoavocado · 18/09/2022 17:25

gogohmm · 18/09/2022 17:24

@nachoavocado

No it's not. You choose to be in a relationship with someone with a child then their child has to be factored in without bias. Dsd's needs are not inferior to that of my birth children. We compromise for all

She can prefer her own child. What she can't do is be mean to her DSC or leave them out.

Alibro79 · 18/09/2022 18:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Alibro79 · 18/09/2022 18:18

Oh sorry 😅😅 i meant to start my own thread 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Tallulahh3 · 27/10/2022 17:49

I get it - it’s infuriating having your life dictated by someone else when you’re the stepmum. My DH has to drive for bloody hours every Christmas Day because their mothers demands this if we want to see his children and he does anything and everything to keep the peace with her. It drives me bonkers when I’m sat on my own waiting for him to come home (I’m not allowed to travel in the car for handovers on her insistence even though the girls ask me to every time).
However, you need to separate the annoyance of the circumstances and be delighted you’ve got the Christmas plans you’ve always wanted. You still have plenty of time to plan an amazing Christmas for everyone involved and your toddler will love their older sibling being part of the fun. Embrace it!

MissTrip82 · 29/10/2022 03:39

What changed that you’ve asked every other year but weren’t going to ask this year?

Dont ask mum what lead to it……just be thrilled he can be with his family. Your husband must be so happy. Six years is a long time to not wake up with your kid on Christmas Day. That must have really hurt. This year he gets to!