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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP fighting for 50/50 - I’ve said it’s too soon

77 replies

CrystalBall80 · 14/09/2022 07:06

Hi all. I have posted before about me and my DP attempting to sell two houses to blend our families - he has 2 DC and I have one, all under 10 - that all went a bit wrong after I realised he’d be better off financially and I’d be worse off (and the cost of living crisis is only getting worse) so I firmly suggest we park the co-habiting thing and revisit in 6 to 12 months whilst coming up with a plan that works fairly.

Subsequently my house came off the market but he kept his on with a sale continuing to go through (again, despite my concerns around housing / him uprooting the DC too soon / the strain that is already present in our relationship). It’s become clear that he’s assuming I’d be housing him and his two DC in my 2/3 bed home (I also WFH meaning even less space as need some kind of office set up) once his house goes through and until we decide to go for the bigger house. On top of this he’s decided to fight for 2 extra nights per month meaning he’d be completely 50/50 with the ex (mainly I believe to remove the need for CM and he thinks 50/50 will resolve all issues and he’ll never have to engage with Ex again).

AIBU for my actions last night - I basically said I was already concerned about his plans to move in with me (and how everyone would manage given the space) and I’m even more concerned that I have not been consulted on 50/50 (I have always supported him in this decision but we’d talked about going for it once In a suitable house). I basically said it’s nothing to do with me if he goes for 50/50, but this is my house, so if he wants to make a decision like that he should probably seriously consider his living arrangements once his house goes through.

Basically I think I just put the nail in the coffin but I cannot stand watching people make decisions that affect mine and my son’s life anymore whilst I stand idly by!!

OP posts:

deeperthanallroses · 14/09/2022 07:08

I can’t see where they can all sleep so it sounds like him moving in is a terrible plan and the right thing to do was say nope to both the terrible plan and the man that didn’t consult about moving him and his children into your home.

balzamico · 14/09/2022 07:10

You were right to be absolutely firm, sounds like he's spotted an opportunity to save huge amounts of money without any consideration for the well being of those involved.

GiantTortoise · 14/09/2022 07:10

It is incredible to me that he is assuming you'll be housing him and his 2 young DC AFTER you have said you need to put the brakes on co-habiting for the moment. Didn't he listen to you at all??? Put your foot down OP! You say you were firm before but obviously not firm enough. And I've no doubt that the 50/50 thing is financially motivated. He sounds like a nightmare.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 14/09/2022 07:10

You're correct he's taking the piss.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/09/2022 07:13

Can you link to the previous thread? Was it the one where he was going to be £1000 up when you shared house and you’d be really stretched yourself to get a 6-bed house you didn’t need??

Have you told him he won’t be living with you if he sells? He doesn’t seem to believe you-please do make it very clear.

GiantTortoise · 14/09/2022 07:15

And by the way I'm pretty sure you haven't put the final nail in the coffin OP. He's not about to dump you unless he finds another woman stupid enough to provide housing for him and his kids. You'll need to be the one to finish with him, there's no point waiting for him to end it!

Rainbowcat99 · 14/09/2022 07:15

So you said no to cohabiting with him but he went ahead with plans that would force you to live together anyway, at your expense...is that right?

Your house has 2/3 bedrooms so your, ds' and an office.

Your house is full and right now you don't want to live with him.
You are absolutely right to tell him and keep on telling him until he gets it that he is not moving in with you.
What he chooses to do about custody of the kids is up to him but stand firm that you will not be paying for it.

lunar1 · 14/09/2022 07:20

Have you been clear that he won't be moving in with you once his house completes?

Shinyandnew1 · 14/09/2022 07:22

It’s become clear that he’s assuming I’d be housing him and his two DC in my 2/3 bed home

Have you said no and he’s just ignoring you?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 14/09/2022 07:22

The 50/50 is definitely the lesser of two problems here.

BarrelOfOtters · 14/09/2022 07:23

Just let him go. You are a great convenience for him….he’s inconvenient for you and your son.

Singleandproud · 14/09/2022 07:25

I think the fact that he begrudges contributing to his ex for bringing up his children, and is steam rolling your boundaries suggests that you absolutely did the right thing and I'd be think carefully if this is a person I wanted a future with. I certainly wouldn't be planning on meshing my living or financial dealings with him. If he moves in you'll end up looking after his children too. You made the right choice.

KILM · 14/09/2022 07:28

You are NOT in the wrong, this is insane - you've said no and he's ignoring you on something so big that will affect you, your work setup and your son, he will definitely bulldoze you on other stuff too this us just a massive sign of a bully in my book.
Also if you his partner can even see he's only going for 50/50 so he doesnt have to pay maintenance then he's clearly a thunderous twat.
Well done for standing your ground, he has revealed himself to be a man less than you deserve and thank god you found out now before you bought a house.
(Plus, any decent man would have paused the househunting themselves once they realised you'd be worse off, the fact you had to iniate the backtrack is another bad sign, he should be looking out for you!)

Quartz2208 · 14/09/2022 07:28

OP this relationship is not good for you at all - he is gaining and you are losing.

Walk away now - if he decides to sell with the amount of money he clearly earns he can afford to rent he will not be left on the street.

This must be the final nail for you to put your son first and leave

ZenNudist · 14/09/2022 07:28

Where does he think his dc are going to sleep? I bet he's thinking that once you all cram into a 3 bed you'll be desperate to move.

He sounds very selfish. The right thing to do was to share the benefits of combining households equally.

You seem to have your priorities straight.

TheOrigRights · 14/09/2022 07:28

The complete disregard he has shown over the concerns you have raised with him is what would make me end it.
He has no respect for you and frankly sounds horrible.

Tippexy · 14/09/2022 07:29

So are you dumping him, or..?

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/09/2022 07:33

I would end it over this.

He sounds absolutely all over the place and is treating you and his children like a mechanism to get what he wants.

If you stay with this man you will be his nanny and housekeeper while he bleeds you dry financially, and traumatises his children by staging a war with his ex

Don’t facilitate this for his children’s sake as well as yours and your son’s.

Get rid.

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2022 07:34

Tell him you have no intention of living with him until all of the DC have left home, if he fucks off you'll know he's using you.
How long have you been together, more than a few years I hope or he's one hell of a presumptuous bastard.

PixelatedLunchbox · 14/09/2022 07:34

@CrystalBall80 stop "suggesting" and TELL him no. No one can walk over you unless you lie down. Stand up!!

maranella · 14/09/2022 07:38

I think your relationship is doomed anyway OP through the parlous lack of communication between the two of you. You've deduced from this actions what he intends to do? He didn't sit down with you and agree that's what would happen? I'd be ending it right now.

Plus, I agree that he's seen a way to save a shitload of money and that's his main motivation, both in selling his house and moving in with you, and in having his DC 50/50. He sounds like an inconsiderate tightwad to me, both of which are deeply undesirable traits in a partner. I'd walk away. No way would I entertain such an inconsiderate twerp in my life.

averageavocado · 14/09/2022 07:42

On top of this he’s decided to fight for 2 extra nights per month meaning he’d be completely 50/50 with the ex ( mainly I believe to remove the need for CMand he thinks 50/50 will resolve all issues and he’ll never have to engage with Ex again).

He is telling you who he is, ... listen

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 14/09/2022 07:43

I was on your previous thread.

I hate to upset you, but as was said before, he's a user.

there's no nail because he's not done using you! You're going to have to say very clearly. You are NOT moving in here. Preferably today so he has the option of pulling out if the sale.

then if you've ANY sense, you'll follow it up with 'this is over, I'm done'

i don't know how you can live him the way he treats you, but even if you do, live us a choice we make & you're currently choosing to live him more than you and more than your DS.

m sorry if that's hard to hear, but that's what's happening

FurAndFeathers · 14/09/2022 07:46

He is placing financial gain over the comfort and feelings of his own children, you and your son.

he’s clearly showing you his priorities.
pay attention.

Hunkydory99 · 14/09/2022 07:49

Well done OP for standing your ground and standing up for yourself.

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