Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

I'd leave things. You've apologised, dsc has accepted it. Your dh will have to cone round in his own time. It all sounds very exhausting, have some lovely baby cuddles and concentrate on your children today.

Too late. I replied but now I won't be responding. I told him I wasn't surprised he has replied with the threat of breaking up, that it's become the norm every time we have a disagreement, that it's not fair and is emotional abuse and that it was getting boring. I asked him to let me know when he's made the decision.

I'm sick of it tbh

OP I'm glad you managed to get some sleep in the end

Are you still seeing someone in terms of therapy?

As it doesn't sound like you're ready or able to have a healthy relationship with your current mindset.

You don't know when to apologise, when to step in for your son, when to back down, how to apologise and to whom.

This is leading to a lot of anxiety for you, and both children are getting confused and hurt.

Your past relationship and your issues from childhood sibling relationships are seriously clouding your judgement and are not going to be a simple fix. The issue is it's got to the point of being toxic, you and your DS vs DH and his child due to how quick you are to defend your son at all costs.

And I understand why, you feel like you need to prove to him you will always have his back and always protect him. Especially after what his father did. But that's not something you can do whilst also maintaining family harmony with a step child and husband either. Not how you're doing it anyway.

You're still avoiding the question but what would you be doing if both children were yours? No one child to protect, both to 'defend'

I dunno. It'd be different because if ds didn't have to contend with his father I might not feel as protective. I think I'd let them sort it themselves.

Which is actually what I usually do. I don't get involved. I just snapped yesterday because I fucking sick of it.

OP I don't think the original part of the argument matters anymore. He is bang out of order to threaten to leave you when you're so upset and you've apologised. Don't you dare beg him to stay. Absolute prick!

Can you get out the house today? Who can you go and see? If you haven't got anyone a nice walk with ds and the baby will make you feel better.

I want to swoop in and give you a hug.

Then you need to leave

For all of yours sake

Especially if he is already threatening to walk too

You snapping isn't good for any of the children, or you. Just look at how upset and worked up you got last night. That's not sustainable or healthy for you to deal with.

Badly needed to hear this.

I told him it was emotional abuse to threaten splitting up (again, after we discussed a couple of times that he would stop doing that) and it was now very boring and I wouldn't partake in the discussion any further. He can let me know his decision.

I know he is fired up and this is his go to reaction but honestly it's fucking boring now.

Baby I'd asleep, mercifully. When hecwakes we will head to have a game of bowling and pool with my ds. He's seen me crying g most of today so I need tk get my head out my arse and spend some positive time with him

The info about the friend coming over explains what happened on this occasion and warranted a response. The friend should have gone home and your dsc needed to be told not to allow this friend into his room.
You should react to what is happening with the boys but that should be calmly telling whoever off or splitting them up for a short while. E.g. Ds come with me for a walk or whatever. You and dsc are getting on each other's nerves or something. Unprovoked hitting should merit a consequence but again one that is reasonable. Think about what happens in most primary schools. Kids fall out and call each other names. Consequence - a lecture at break or lunch about being kind, an apology and they move on. Reacting and protecting your son is fine, it is just that these issues are part of a normal growing up often and you need to stop seeing these as so important that they take up all your emotions. Maybe the boys need to just give each other more space or use space as a way to calm down. You might find that they get better at dealing with each other this way. E.g. DSC calls ds skinny and it upsets him. You say to dsc, stop calling him skinny you know he doesn't like it. DSC 'I wasn't'. You say, you need time out from each other, let's do ..X. Don't make it into some huge emotional harm.

This makes no sense. Aside from my latest update you're suggesting that as a mother with a new baby, and two squabbling children, I am not allowed to snap and lose it, ever? 99% of our life is awesome. We are usually a close knit, loving family. We have been for many years. The boys have started squabbling since new baby. I am fucking shattered and dealing with trauma. Surely I am allowed a moment where I let off some steam? It wasn't even that bad, no raised voices, I just asked dsc if he called ds skinny! I suggested the terms snitch and oversensitive were things bullies said. That's the extent of it.

So every mother and wife that snaps should leave the relationship, is that what you're saying.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.

You are being so, so hard on yourself and I think you should be a bit kinder to yourself. I don't have any of the extra difficulties you are dealing with (history of trauma, abusive ex, blended family) but honestly barely a day goes by when by the end of the day I'm not questioning my parenting or second guessing my decisions. I've got a 14 and 10 year old who are bickering a lot and I find it so hard to judge what to do. They are both great boys but their dynamic is off kilter right now, and I find myself siding with the younger one because he is so much physically smaller. But I know that's wrong and the 14 year old is in a tricky position and it just a child himself too.

I'm rambling a bit but what I wanted to say is, of course you are finding it hard to judge, it IS hard. If it really was true bullying and all one child's fault, you'd be able to deal with. But it's not black and white, it rarely is, and you'll never get it right all the time. But your DS and your DSC will see that you are TRYING to get it right. That's so important, and why you are not repeating the patterns of your own childhood.

Thank you for ypur kind and understanding post it means such a lot right now

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears

Last night wasn't a one off

You snapped and it left your DH upset, your DSC hurt and you a mess crying all night long

This isn't the first time you have leapt to defend your son over anything else either which is brewing a toxic atmosphere in your relationship which means this will happen again and just get worse and worse.

You are clearly not at a point you need to be for a constructive relationship.

When most parents snap it doesn't lead so such dramatic and hurtful fall outs - for everyone

You are refusing to take action on your behaviour here so then the only other option is to either take your husband up on his suggestion of a split or to do it yourself

Noted.

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears glad to hear you've got a plan for today.

My exh used to threaten to leave me in arguments, I once said okay and started packing his clothes.. he didn't like that 😂

It's a power move, whether he means it to be abusive or not It's pretty fucking shitty. Laugh at it and take the power out of it. Don't stress yourself out even more. Go and have a nice day with ds and what will be will be. You'll be okay even if he does follow through with his pathetic threat.

I agree with @DragonsAndMoons and @RedHelenB - you need to try to decompress today or you’re going to collapse. There’s a big head of steam built up. Don’t try to fix it right now. You’ve apologised and now you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others. Sorry - lots of mixed metaphors there!

Have a lovely time with DS - try to completely focus on the bowling with him and escape this, if only for an hour or two.

I agree with this. It's not fair of him to refuse to talk and hold breaking up over you.

He has replied and is now offering solutions as to how we can move forward and how much he loves me and the boys. A quicker turnaround than usual but no apology for the threat

That's good. My dh used to do that & stopped when I took all the power away by saying that was his decision

I'm the same & another poster referred to it as emotional washing machine. I hate that my dh goes & leaves things to to stew. It makes things much worse for me

I hope you can enjoy your few hours with the kids & hopefully you can both talk rationally tonight

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears

It's completely unacceptable that he threatens to leave like this. His behaviour sounds extremely controlling.

I would say it is in large part contributing to your anxiety & uncertainty.

For today, focus on a nice day with DS. But you need to think hard about your future with this man, and he needs to stop emotionally abusing you by threatening to leave when there's any upset.

Hope the rest of your day is ok 💐

Well myself and ds and baby had a lovely time today. I've said to dh that I am good to chat about whatever solutions he has. I haven't mentioned the threats but I agree it's controlling tactics and I am not happy

Thank you.

The drip feed ... I am so exhausted and all over the place it just didn't occur to me to say it until I said it. I realise it's annoying but there you have it.

I have said to dh about the threatening thing before. I asked him not to do it again...I fucking knew he would do it today.

This!!!! My dn constantly provokes my dc and then my dc will snap and lash out or shout and my dn runs off to tell an adult about how his older cousin is picking on him! It took us a while to cotton on to this.