Dsc and dc arguing

[Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears]

Our family have been "blended" (or however you are supposed to call it) for almost 10 years, since our dc were very young. We get on nicely most of the time there are no big issues. Its usually really lovely all being together.

My dc is the younger by 2 years. They are 10 and 12 yeas old.

They get on for the most part but my dc sometimes complains that dsc says mean things, or takes his friends away, and gets upset about it. This has ramped up recently and myself and dh have been dealing with each time as a seperate incident. Usually dh speaks with his child and says the behaviour has to stop. A few weeks ago dsc punched dc in the arm. Dh dealt with that one, he had a very stern word and said of there wad a next time, there would be consequences. Dsc says dc is very sensitive...and yes dc is sensitive...but that's just their personality. Every time dc comes ro me upset I feel .. I can only describe it as really, really hurt. Like it physically hurts me, and each time, I become more and more distant to dsc and that worries me. I was so upset today I could barely look at them.

For background, I came from an abusive childhood and was tormented mercilessly by an older sibling. So I am massively triggered by this and have no way to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

Myself and dsc have always been close and they have often come to me for help and advice, including when there have been issues between dsc and dh. I care a great deal about dsc.

This morning I had to speak to dsc again about upsetting dc. I absolutely hate doing this but I need dc to know I have their back. Dc is always further upset because dsc will call them a snitch (I detest this notion. Dc stopped telling me about their bully abusive father because of this term)

Anyway I've been upset about it this morning. Lack of sleep (newborn) and I've hurt my foot. Myself and dh started arguing about it for the first time ever, because i said i was sick of it and we should arrange with their other parents so that we don't have them at the same time anymore. If they don't have to see each other, problem solved. Dh agrees in principal but he's become quite defensive as he says my dc is over sensitive. Dh has begun to defend dsc, which I get, that's his child. Dh thinks I shouldn't get so involved and invested but that's not right because I don't get involved every time. Sometimes I leave them to sort it themselves but its become too often now and I am sick and tired of it.

I don't know what I am asking but some words of advice a head wobble, a talking down, whatever. Just someone to speak to about this would help, I hope.

So much going on in my head I feel like I can't cope sometimes. In my personal life too, a traumatic assault that happened years ago has come to the surface. I forgot things. I am so exhausted I can't sleep.

Sorry about drip feed.

Fuck me I can't even do a mn thread right these days

I did mention something about it upthread, in passing, I'm sure.

Everything's a drip feed really though isn't it, otherwise opening posts would go on forever.

I'd leave DH on the sofa and see how you're feeling in the morning.

Thank you both. I managed a couple of hours. Thought I'd come on and see a load of messages about the drip feed so I'm releived.

I don't think I'm very well mentally atm

My anxiety is through the roof. The uncertainty is horrific. I just want to apologise profusely to everyone but I don't know if it will help and I don't know even if I should? Like, should I apologise for having my child's back? Maybe not. I should apologise for the emotional outburst for sure.

My last relationship was highly abusive and I was constantly apologising for things to keep him from getting angry. I'd apologise for things that definitely weren't my fault. So now I never know if I'm apologising to keep the peace or because I mean it and because it's the right thing to do iyswim?

Dh is good in giving me breaks with baby so that's all good. Not sure I'd sleep though. This anxiety is something else.

Hey OP. Hope today is a better day.
Sounds like things got heated and a bit overwrought yesterday.
It's hard to see the woods from the trees sometimes.
Both you and your DC have been through a lot and I can see you just want a happy, harmonious home.
Kids do have ups and downs in their relationships with siblings and step siblings. Maybe some of the behaviours you see are a bit more 50:50 than you had considered, but equally your DC is younger and may have less emotional regulation both because of that and for other reasons.
I would imagine that you want to resolve this situation but be patient and try not to let your anxiety drive the pace of your discussion and resolution.
Anxiety is a horrible sensation. Do you have any techniques that help at all?

Dh and dsc have gone out together for the day. Not sure who's idea it was but I am left feeling like I am the wicked step mum who can't be trusted to take care of dsc. After all the years of caring for and loving him. Even a few weeks back when dh and dsc weren't getting along I was the one who got them both through it. Seems that's been forgotten.

He asked me if I needed any help with baby, spend a bit of time playing with him and then they left. I tried chatting to dsc but it was forced and pretty excruciating. I feel like I don't know them anymore.

I can't remember any of my tools to ease the anxiety. It's kind of taken over.

My last relationship was highly abusive and I was constantly apologising for things to keep him from getting angry. I'd apologise for things that definitely weren't my fault. So now I never know if I'm apologising to keep the peace or because I mean it and because it's the right thing to do iyswim?

I think you should apologise because you've created a highly charged emotional atmosphere in response to a minor sibling spat, and that's counterproductive for both boys. You've also essentially accused your DH of not parenting his child properly and allowing him to get away with bullying. As has come out from your subsequent posts, actually it's not as clear-cut as that - your DSS's behaviour is not perfect but he doesn't sound like a bully, and your DS's behaviour is probably not perfect either and he sounds like he's enjoying the drama he's creating to some extent. So acknowledging to your DH that you overreacted and that the truth of the situation is probably something more nuanced (and normal for siblings!) than DSS as the mean bully and DS as the innocent victim would probably go a long way towards helping to mend the situation.

Going forward, I think you should review what 'supporting' your DS actually looks like. The way I see it, he should be able to tell you anything and there should be no talk of 'snitching', but that doesn't necessarily mean that you need to 'have his back' by immediately jumping in and having it out with either your DSS or your DH. Sometimes just standing back and seeing if a situation resolves itself is the best idea. Often children forget their grievances 5 minutes later if adults stay out of it. Yes, our children should be able to tell us anything but I see that more as being that they should be able to discuss anything which is worrying them or which has upset them with us, not that they should run to us for every small thing and we should immediately charge in to defend them like mother lionesses. Unfortunately, this doesn't really teach them conflict resolution skills. Maybe others will disagree, but for me the first step if my DC is complaining to me is to suggest ways that they could sort the situation/behaviour out themselves. I'd only intervene after they had tried these and they hadn't worked and my child was still upset (with the exception of physical violence, which is always unacceptable and needs an immediate response).

I'm not doing very well at all. The tears won't stop.

Thanks this has calmed me as it makes sense. I will apologise

OP I think a lot of this is to do with your own experiences as a child. Both the children clearly have different personalities but that happens whether biologically related or not. My brothers used to hit each other, my DM would sort it out until it became clear that one of my DB’s was frightening my younger sibling. He was hitting him daily and calling him names, it was constant. At that point they weren’t getting along at all. You clearly state that they get along well most of the time, DSC seemingly acts like this with his friends sometimes, the difference being they can take it but your DC is younger and more sensitive. It’s perfectly reasonable to request that DSC does not call you DC names BUT you also need to consider that your DC might need some help to deal with the fact that sometimes people say things they shouldn’t and how he can deal with those feelings. Honestly it sounds (based on what your saying) like normal sibling behaviour and on the basis that they get on well you’re not wanting to swap weekends and things. You couldn’t do that if you lived together full time. You and your DH need to find a better way and BOTH boys need talking to, perhaps together. Because both you and your husband are each laying blame on the others child when it’s possible it’s both!

You're not all in the wrong here either, OP, so don't feel you have to beat yourself up and take all the blame when you chat to your DH.

Best friend and DSS were not behaving well at all, based on your update, and you were right to intervene when nasty things were said. However, putting this in context, best friend has just lost a parent and that must be impacting his behaviour in various ways. If the dynamic is not working - best friend, DS and DSS all together - then the sensible thing to do would be to avoid having best friend around when DSS is there, especially if it leads to your DS being excluded.

Morning op, today is a new day and probably one full of relavations for you! @Goldbars post is so succinct and agree with it all.
The behaviour is very typical sibling, even with the friend 'stealing' I actually remember my sibling who is 3 years older doing the same to me once with a friend!

@Cryinthepooltodisguisethetears

I feel really sorry for you 💐

You are trying to do your best for all the DC. I am not sure I agree with all the advice here especially some of Annie's which seems to really diminish what's happening here).

For you now, is there anyone who can be with you today? A sister or good friend? Undoubtedly you have a lot going on, with a newborn baby & the hormonal fluctuations.

Regarding your DS, I'm sure there are several layers to the story but most importantly, supporting your DS has to come first. The poor boy has been through a lot. I would park the issues between him & DSS for now, and simply offer reassurance & support to DS

For today, be kind to yourself, do what you can to mind yourself, if you can't sleep, rest when possible & see if you can do something nice with DS. Let the heat go out of the situation & it might be easier to approach with DH later.

Things will improve. 💐

Is it bullying? I just don't know if thats a bit dramatic. Maybe it is but i don't see that from the examples given:

It sounds more like normal sibling rivalry to me. Mine give each other a dig in the ribs/dead leg etc from time to time when bickering. Oh the bickering. I was in public yesterday and burst out laughing in solidarity hearing a parent flip and telling her kids they were no longer allowed to speak to each other as they couldnt be nice. 60 seconds before i'd said they same words to my own. Its the school holidays kids all over the country are out of routine, spending more time together then is normal, and winding each other up.

We have an age gap where eldest is secondary too and it opens the gap up hugely. But then last night he was the sweetest boy and got down to her level in a way that took my breath away.

Kids are not always kind to their siblings. I wish they were. As a parent it is baffling and maddening but its really normal. My friends son is an only and actually struggles slightly with the cut and thrust in life without the dynamic of a sibling endlessly putting him in his place.

Both of Goldbar's posts! I think you have to be careful of shrinking everything to only your/ds view and expecting allowances for his and your past without giving the same? You've alluded to dss not having a good time at his mums and also the friend losing his mum, all of this added to general teenage hormones does lead to a highly charged atmosphere! Best of luck today- apologise for how things have ended up, but new day new start!

I messaged an apology to dh amd asked him to share with dsc. I opened up about my past trauma being a reason but not an excuse. And that I wanted to repair things, starting with this apology. He said he's not sharing the message and he's not comfortable with how things went down yesterday. He said he needs time to consider things.

I'm a fucking mess. I opened up, made myself vulnerable, apologised. I have a screaming baby and my anxiety is through the roof. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown

This. You say your son can't help his sensitive nature so why expect dsc to be able to help his more teasing nature? Siblings fall out, have scraps, argue. And they usually go to parents as a last resort for serious matters, not snitching all the time.
Sounds like his Dad is stepping up when he needs telling off, like the punch but he's going to feel very pushed out with a new baby and your son as the golden child who can do no wrong
I think if your child really felt bullied he'd jump at the chance to switch weekends.

I apologised to dsc and owned the fact I didn't deal with things very well. He thanked me for the acknowledgement and said he loved me.

His father isn't having it though
Anxiety still through the roof. Baby screaming. I can't deal with it 😫

Some really good posts this morning, OP, especially from @Goldbar and @pitchforksandflamethrowers

And great news about the apologies but less so with DH’s reaction. Can you get some time with him alone and try to resolve it?

I don’t think there was anything wrong with what you said but I suspect DH may have heard something different. You said ‘snitch is a way for bullies to keep bullying’ and I think he may have heard ‘your son is a bully’ so he’s circled the wagons. Just a theory but either way, there’s no need to punish you by rejecting your apology and prolonging resolution.

More generally, I agree with PPs that you could really do with some help and support to give yourself a break and try to calm your mind today. Staying in an emotional washing machine mode, where everything gets turned over but never dealt with, will be hugely draining. Could you go for a walk and chat with a friend?

Take some deep breaths, take each hour as it comes for now. 🌺

I need to go back and re read the posts

Dh...is the most loving and kind man. But if we have a disagreement like this, it usually takes a while for him to come around. It's just his way. And I agree he must have heard that I called dsc a bully. In my message this morning I told him I knew dsc isn't a bully and that I would be helping dc deal with minor spats in a better way. I've said all the things but he isn't interested in hearing it atm. I think he's boiling still. I hate this period after an argument. We argue rarely but this is usually the pattern. He is always so hugely supportive of my healing, he knows about my cptsd, he is my biggest advocate. Constantly telling me how proud he is of me for overcoming and continuing to heal from trauma. But he doesn't like it amd can't handle it when my trauma is ugly like this. I don't think he understands that healing from trauma isn't always pretty and he struggles taking the rough with the smooth it seems

He's done it again. I wondered if he would. He does this every time

He's messaged and alluded to not being able to do this and breaking up. Of course its never happened but I've asked him not to go straight to that every time we have a disagreement. And here he is...he's done it again!

I have no idea how to answer.

I'm really trying not to reply with a snarky comment about how boring it is that he jumps straight to breaking up. Or that it's actually emotional abuse to use it as a threat every time.