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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can / how do I tell step-parent to back off?

88 replies

Marvel123 · 21/08/2022 20:08

Ok. So thought about posting on here several times over years but never have. Figured I’ve been pretty patient about this situation so here goes. Sorry, it’s long.

Ex and I divorced 9 years ago after he had affair with woman who is now his wife. They were seeing each other behind my back for 6 months so it was pretty hard to become best pals at the time and not much really changed there. I didn’t take it to well at time but as time gone on I can see I had lucky escape it was for best really.

problem is that, in my opinion, SM just keeps overstepping the boundary between SP and actual parent. ExH is pretty hands off where kids (3 x DD) concerned and leaves everything to SM or me. I’m happy with that but what I don’t like is the SM constantly doing things that I want to do or feel she has no right to do. Examples

  • during break up sent me an epic email on how I was handling the situation badly and how I would emotionally damage my children as a result
  • spoke to DD3 (at age 6/7) teacher to say she thought reading book was to easy
  • took DD1 shopping for yr11 prom dress and bought said dress without speaking to me at all (did it in January and fortunately prom was cancelled due to covid so dress never got worn)
  • sent in application to DD1 6th form so they had SM details as parent not mine or ExH
  • and now this weekend with DD1 off to uni she’s just taken her shopping to buy moving out supplies and I’m gutted as I was really looking forward to doing this
There’s lots more and I could go on for ages but basically this whole thing just feels really hurtful. SM has 2 children of her own now. I used to ignore it figuring that when she had her own kids she might back off mine a bit but it’s just not happened. I’d also give her benefit of doubt and think she doesn’t realise what she’s doing only when affair was happening she got really drunk at a wedding and told lots people there that she was seeing a married man and that he had 3 kids and how that was extra great because she was going to break up the marriage and would be able to be their mum now (what she didn’t know was that one of my good friends was at same wedding ….)

The girls get on with her really well and I’m happy they’ve someone at their dads who can support and care for them when they are there, especially now they are teenagers. And I’m resigned to always sharing Christmas & birthdays. I just want her to recognise that there is a line and stop crossing it, especially when it comes to those mum & daughter moments or any major life choices (before they hit 18 and it’s up to them anyway).

Am I asking too much?

OP posts:
YellowPlumbob · 21/08/2022 20:23

You’re asking too fucking little of their actual parent, OP. You can’t say you’re happy for his wife to step up in his place - as parent - and then piss and moan when she does.

PersonaNonGarter · 21/08/2022 20:27

I really think you need to get your exDH to manage this if you want to do anything about it.

The buying stuff for Uni - ouch. You really have my sympathy on that. But this is very late in the day. Do you feel you could speak to your DD?

JenniferL27 · 21/08/2022 20:28

Marvel123 · 21/08/2022 20:08

Ok. So thought about posting on here several times over years but never have. Figured I’ve been pretty patient about this situation so here goes. Sorry, it’s long.

Ex and I divorced 9 years ago after he had affair with woman who is now his wife. They were seeing each other behind my back for 6 months so it was pretty hard to become best pals at the time and not much really changed there. I didn’t take it to well at time but as time gone on I can see I had lucky escape it was for best really.

problem is that, in my opinion, SM just keeps overstepping the boundary between SP and actual parent. ExH is pretty hands off where kids (3 x DD) concerned and leaves everything to SM or me. I’m happy with that but what I don’t like is the SM constantly doing things that I want to do or feel she has no right to do. Examples

  • during break up sent me an epic email on how I was handling the situation badly and how I would emotionally damage my children as a result
  • spoke to DD3 (at age 6/7) teacher to say she thought reading book was to easy
  • took DD1 shopping for yr11 prom dress and bought said dress without speaking to me at all (did it in January and fortunately prom was cancelled due to covid so dress never got worn)
  • sent in application to DD1 6th form so they had SM details as parent not mine or ExH
  • and now this weekend with DD1 off to uni she’s just taken her shopping to buy moving out supplies and I’m gutted as I was really looking forward to doing this
There’s lots more and I could go on for ages but basically this whole thing just feels really hurtful. SM has 2 children of her own now. I used to ignore it figuring that when she had her own kids she might back off mine a bit but it’s just not happened. I’d also give her benefit of doubt and think she doesn’t realise what she’s doing only when affair was happening she got really drunk at a wedding and told lots people there that she was seeing a married man and that he had 3 kids and how that was extra great because she was going to break up the marriage and would be able to be their mum now (what she didn’t know was that one of my good friends was at same wedding ….)

The girls get on with her really well and I’m happy they’ve someone at their dads who can support and care for them when they are there, especially now they are teenagers. And I’m resigned to always sharing Christmas & birthdays. I just want her to recognise that there is a line and stop crossing it, especially when it comes to those mum & daughter moments or any major life choices (before they hit 18 and it’s up to them anyway).

Am I asking too much?

For example, taking DD1 shopping, could you have done this? Was DD1 or SM aware you wanted to do this?

SM might just think she is helping out the Dad. I'd be counting myself lucky that SM was hands on.

DoItAfraid · 21/08/2022 20:32

Woooo the uni thing - YIKES!

I definitely think you need to raise it with both SM and Ex.

You write very clearly in your post - could you write and email setting out that you feel that there is some overstepping and reference a few key examples and end by saying happy to discuss over a coffee, if you are (!).

100% empathy from me - that would piss me right off!

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 21/08/2022 20:34

For example, taking DD1 shopping, could you have done this? Was DD1 or SM aware you wanted to do this?

But she took her for a room dress in JANUARY so it probably wasn't on OP's radar as that's ridiculously early.

And took her university shopping when the results only came out on Thursday.

JenniferL27 · 21/08/2022 20:38

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 21/08/2022 20:34

For example, taking DD1 shopping, could you have done this? Was DD1 or SM aware you wanted to do this?

But she took her for a room dress in JANUARY so it probably wasn't on OP's radar as that's ridiculously early.

And took her university shopping when the results only came out on Thursday.

I'd take my DSD shopping for a prom dress if she asked me.

January isn't all that early for dress shopping.

GinIronic · 21/08/2022 20:40

I would get the 6th form paperwork changed - she is not the parent. I would be very upset about the Uni thing. I think you have been too passive - I would have told her to wind her neck in a long time ago. Why is she so involved with your children - she had her own to deal with.

HippyDippieTrees · 21/08/2022 20:41

Why does the step parenting board get posts like this as if step parents are one humongous blob of the same people. I think you should report your post and ask for it to be moved to relationships for support/advice around boundaries - ie stop expecting the sm to parent and then getting cross when she does - and how to talk to your exh about stepping up more. Not a step parent just something I frequently notice on this board.

Berthatydfil · 21/08/2022 20:42

she is definitely overstepping and stealing a lot of the things only a mum should do like the dress shopping and uni shopping.

However other posters are right that your ex has left a lot to her.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/08/2022 20:43

These examples are pretty bad. But they are over the course of years. You need to deal with this stuff when it happens. Otherwise you end up like you are still be annoyed about slights that happened years ago.

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 21/08/2022 20:43

Then we are very different people because I wouldn't. Unless I thought her mother wasn't going to do it.

January isn't all that early for dress shopping.

It's early.

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 20:46

Are you asking here because stepparents might have an insight into being told to back off? Because if I'm absolutely honest a lot of the posts on here from stepparents get replies like

"YOu must TreAT tHeM LIke YOUr OwN o_O"

So maybe she thinks that is what is required of her. Maybe speak to your ex H about it.

Pallisers · 21/08/2022 20:56

I'd take my DSD shopping for a prom dress if she asked me.

It wouldn't occur to you to say "would your mum not want to do that with you?"

excelledyourself · 21/08/2022 21:19

Where has OP said she 'expects' SM to parent?

If SM chooses to do that in her home with the dad, that's between them.

I can well imagine the shit OP would get if she suggested interfering in that and trying to dictate who did what on dads contact time.

mondaytosunday · 21/08/2022 21:24

So have you told her how you feel? If she feels able to email you about how YOU are handling things maybe you can (not email) talk to her about this.
And what about your kids - did you tell your daughter that you planned on buying stuff with her for uni? Prom dress etc?
I'd reassert yourself. Tell her you are grateful she has a close relationship with your children but they are YOUR children and there are certain things you want to do with them.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/08/2022 21:29

The word overstepping has very nasty historical associations, but her actions are very much those of a taker. Grabs what she wants, doesn't stop to consider it might not be hers to take. Prom dress OUCH, uni shopping OUCH, application to 6th form - back off, darlin, you're in my spot. Reading book, meh, initial letter omg the brass neck of the woman!

Your ex must be a massive wet lettuce, to let this stuff through. However, you do need to tell your DD that these things are hurtful, she may have no idea and just be trying to please everyone.

I get the visual impression of a colossus of a woman striding the globe crushing people underneath her huge feet! Oh for a truckload of supersized caltrops to slow her down a bit!

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 21:31

However, you do need to tell your DD that these things are hurtful, she may have no idea and just be trying to please everyone. I agree, she might feel unable to say anything.

HippyDippieTrees · 21/08/2022 21:42

@excelledyourself my phone crashes when I paste it but in the OP it says that she is happy that exh leaves it all to her and the step mum as he's hands off. I wouldn't be happy with someone else parenting my dc because their dad was hands off, if I accepted that was the case then how could I complain about the parenting from the step mum. It doesn't make sense.

Original poster
Marvel123 · 21/08/2022 21:46

Ok to make clear, I haven’t been totally letting things go. On the 6th form application in particular I did text to say it wasn’t on, I wasn’t happy and they’d actually created an admin hassle for the school. But either it they don’t get it or don’t care. I used to complain lots to start with and tried to talk it through but that just resulted in ExH shouting at me and calling me a c* in Asda cafe….

Suggestions that he needs to step up are great but I’ve lost the will there, he’s not going to change and that’s that.

Its her I need to speak to but I just wanted some advice on how or should I bother.

And I don’t really want to bring my DCs into this. I know they are just trying to keep everyone happy

OP posts:
JenniferL27 · 21/08/2022 21:46

Surely if DD is happy then isn't that the main thing here?

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/08/2022 21:50

Its her I need to speak to but I just wanted some advice on how or should I bother.

She's not got any sensitivity has she? So I'd be blunt as. It'll be water off a ducks back, I expect.

LorW · 21/08/2022 21:52

Well tbf your eldest daughter is 18? If she wanted to go shopping with you wouldn’t she have just told SM that? I mean what if dad had taken her shopping for uni stuff would you have had the same problem?

prom dress is an obvious one where you leave it to mum so I agree on that (although my step mum had to take me shopping for my prom dress as my mum hasn’t bothered and it had gotten to May)

Being a step mum is hard work, there are so many bloody lines and rules and feelings that sometimes we fuck up, communication is key I think then everyone knows where they stand.

excelledyourself · 21/08/2022 21:55

HippyDippieTrees · 21/08/2022 21:42

@excelledyourself my phone crashes when I paste it but in the OP it says that she is happy that exh leaves it all to her and the step mum as he's hands off. I wouldn't be happy with someone else parenting my dc because their dad was hands off, if I accepted that was the case then how could I complain about the parenting from the step mum. It doesn't make sense.

Yes, I saw the post.

I'm sure OP would prefer her ex to parent more, but what more can she do about that? It's their household. I expect 'happy' really means she's accepted the fact that she can't change how they do things in their home.

Lulu1919 · 21/08/2022 21:57

What did your daughter say re uni shopping - surely as a young adult she could have said Thanks SM but I'm doing that with mum

OllyBJolly · 21/08/2022 22:08

I’ve been in a similar situation. SM and XH were way more wealthy than I could dream of. SM bought my DDs beautiful clothes, was more able to attend school events, and bought DD her first bra. I was angry and upset. She got to choose which bits of being a mum she got to enjoy.

However, that close relationship has endured and she was a fantastic support during the difficult teenage years. When DC2 was ill in hospital it was SM who stepped up and was there for me (and DC2). She was - and is - a brilliant role model for my DC and even although her relationship with XH is over, remains in touch with both DCs. Wonderful woman and looking back, I think she was just trying to navigate her way through a difficult situation. On balance, the early angst has been more than worth it for how she has supported me and my DC over the years.