Can / how do I tell step-parent to back off?

[Marvel123]

Ok. So thought about posting on here several times over years but never have. Figured I’ve been pretty patient about this situation so here goes. Sorry, it’s long.

Ex and I divorced 9 years ago after he had affair with woman who is now his wife. They were seeing each other behind my back for 6 months so it was pretty hard to become best pals at the time and not much really changed there. I didn’t take it to well at time but as time gone on I can see I had lucky escape it was for best really.

problem is that, in my opinion, SM just keeps overstepping the boundary between SP and actual parent. ExH is pretty hands off where kids (3 x DD) concerned and leaves everything to SM or me. I’m happy with that but what I don’t like is the SM constantly doing things that I want to do or feel she has no right to do. Examples

• during break up sent me an epic email on how I was handling the situation badly and how I would emotionally damage my children as a result
• spoke to DD3 (at age 6/7) teacher to say she thought reading book was to easy
• took DD1 shopping for yr11 prom dress and bought said dress without speaking to me at all (did it in January and fortunately prom was cancelled due to covid so dress never got worn)
• sent in application to DD1 6th form so they had SM details as parent not mine or ExH
• and now this weekend with DD1 off to uni she’s just taken her shopping to buy moving out supplies and I’m gutted as I was really looking forward to doing this

There’s lots more and I could go on for ages but basically this whole thing just feels really hurtful. SM has 2 children of her own now. I used to ignore it figuring that when she had her own kids she might back off mine a bit but it’s just not happened. I’d also give her benefit of doubt and think she doesn’t realise what she’s doing only when affair was happening she got really drunk at a wedding and told lots people there that she was seeing a married man and that he had 3 kids and how that was extra great because she was going to break up the marriage and would be able to be their mum now (what she didn’t know was that one of my good friends was at same wedding ….)

The girls get on with her really well and I’m happy they’ve someone at their dads who can support and care for them when they are there, especially now they are teenagers. And I’m resigned to always sharing Christmas & birthdays. I just want her to recognise that there is a line and stop crossing it, especially when it comes to those mum & daughter moments or any major life choices (before they hit 18 and it’s up to them anyway).

Am I asking too much?

take her quietly to the side and then be absolutely blunt with her. This woman is passive aggressive. She is a classic manipulator. She knows these things will be important to you and she is getting in there first. Put this troll straight.

Meant to put woman, came out troll. Freudian slip?!

She may be desperately trying to show that she doesn't treat her stepkids differently from her bio kids. She may have asked the DD and she said yes....we are talking about late teens not tiny kids. I think the conversation needs to be had with the teens.

Tbh it sounds more like you are resentful that despite the means by which the SM came into their lives, your children are happy that she is their stepmom and are happy to do things with her such as shop for uni. This seems clear by the way you said that you hoped she’d lose interest in your children once she had children of her own. Amazingly there are hundreds of posts on these boards from parents whose children are treated differently the instant the SM has her own children, now that yours aren’t that is apparently wrong as well.

Your children aren’t babies. They’re perfectly capable of saying no to shopping for prom or uni stuff. As for telling them that it’s hurtful, absolutely bloody not. Children have a right to have whatever relationship they want with whoever they want. Nobody owns children or even the right to do certain things with children. If I’m sure the SM doesn’t hold a gun to their heads and threaten them if they don’t go shopping. If they disliked her and what she does they would have said so, and clearly they haven’t so you need to let it go.

And no, I am not a SM.And while I absolutely understand that there are SM’s who wouldn’t do these things, I don’t think it’s wrong when SM’s do. Children are not possessions.And presumably the OP would have no issue if the ex was doing them, or would she I wonder?

I love this post ❤️

@Tara336 reread your other posts and stop being disingenuous.

@MayThe4th children aren't possessions- exactly! They're not.

@HippyDippieTrees oh whatever I really can't be bothered with people like you. Have the evening you deserve sweetie.

I will @Tara336 thanks sweetie 😘 hopefully I've helped you to realise you aren't in charge of what's okay and what's not for step parents.

The irony of the Other Woman accusing you of emotionally damaging your children.

I get that you feel you have been "cheated " over certain moments with your daughter eg. buying a prom dress together and shopping for university etc.

She has overstepped the mark so just tell her. But tell her also you appreciate her efforts taking care of your daughter but those are daughter mother moments, and she should focus on the husband instead in case he goes wandering

Kudos to you 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@Marvel123

Surely she would of known that certain things she done should of been you. Yes if she was trying to be nice she could of spoke to you.

I suppose it's nice she seems close to your DD but making you feel put out of doing important things not right.

She doesn't need to take over your the DM.

Have you tried just speaking to her nicely? Say there's somethings you want to do as mum.