Can / how do I tell step-parent to back off?

[Marvel123]

Ok. So thought about posting on here several times over years but never have. Figured I’ve been pretty patient about this situation so here goes. Sorry, it’s long.

Ex and I divorced 9 years ago after he had affair with woman who is now his wife. They were seeing each other behind my back for 6 months so it was pretty hard to become best pals at the time and not much really changed there. I didn’t take it to well at time but as time gone on I can see I had lucky escape it was for best really.

problem is that, in my opinion, SM just keeps overstepping the boundary between SP and actual parent. ExH is pretty hands off where kids (3 x DD) concerned and leaves everything to SM or me. I’m happy with that but what I don’t like is the SM constantly doing things that I want to do or feel she has no right to do. Examples

• during break up sent me an epic email on how I was handling the situation badly and how I would emotionally damage my children as a result
• spoke to DD3 (at age 6/7) teacher to say she thought reading book was to easy
• took DD1 shopping for yr11 prom dress and bought said dress without speaking to me at all (did it in January and fortunately prom was cancelled due to covid so dress never got worn)
• sent in application to DD1 6th form so they had SM details as parent not mine or ExH
• and now this weekend with DD1 off to uni she’s just taken her shopping to buy moving out supplies and I’m gutted as I was really looking forward to doing this

There’s lots more and I could go on for ages but basically this whole thing just feels really hurtful. SM has 2 children of her own now. I used to ignore it figuring that when she had her own kids she might back off mine a bit but it’s just not happened. I’d also give her benefit of doubt and think she doesn’t realise what she’s doing only when affair was happening she got really drunk at a wedding and told lots people there that she was seeing a married man and that he had 3 kids and how that was extra great because she was going to break up the marriage and would be able to be their mum now (what she didn’t know was that one of my good friends was at same wedding ….)

The girls get on with her really well and I’m happy they’ve someone at their dads who can support and care for them when they are there, especially now they are teenagers. And I’m resigned to always sharing Christmas & birthdays. I just want her to recognise that there is a line and stop crossing it, especially when it comes to those mum & daughter moments or any major life choices (before they hit 18 and it’s up to them anyway).

Am I asking too much?

Well she didn't say that @excelledyourself you're assuming she would feel that way because you do.

OP either learn some boundaries and assertiveness or suck it up. There is no point being resentful and holding on to these things if you're not going to do anything about it.

I still want to know why people ask step parents questions on what they believe their dcs step parents do and why it's not put back onto the exh. I also don't understand the angst around haircuts/prom dresses/frying pans and what not. I'd have been over the moon not to have had to traipse around countless shops for my dds dress!

Ouch! Obviously there is a lot of water under the bridge, but in future with other two DDs you just need to tell them that you really want to do xy and z with them so if DH and SM suggest it to tell them no because they are doing that with you, but (so SM doesn't feel left out) they really need something else.

With regards to DD off to Uni tell her it's great SM got her all the boring stuff but you'd like to treat her to some other bits and pieces and have a mum daughter day. You don't have to miss out or make her feel bad - just get creative!

She's massively out of order and she knows it. Nobody can be that dense. They are your kids and she is taking over your role. She probably has some insecurity - knowing that she was the OW means she knows what your ex is capable of so she can't fully trust him. Maybe making herself invaluable to the dc is her way to trying to stake a claim? Who knows.

It's very tricky for you because you don't want to rock the boat and it dc are happy it would be easy to let things slide. I really don't think I could stomach the bland disrespect though.

You need to deal with these things as they happen. I'm not sure how though. Sending back a dress or uni supplies isn't really in the dc interests. Can you not just tell her bluntly that she needs to back off and understand they are your children? She sounds like a massive dick.

And if it makes you feel better I was looking forward to buying DS his things for moving out but he was busy so I spent a very boring time going around IKEA with DD who shoved loads of rubbish in the trolley for herself and the whole thing cost me a fortune - without my first born even being there!!

Blatant disrespect*

Definitely overstepping. I would be mightily pissed off.

With things like shopping you need to talk to your children and be clear you want to do these things with them or accept they’re as happy going with her as they would be with you and suck it up.

My DSD wanted me to buy period pants with her. I have no relationship with her mother, never have, so I wasn’t going to ask her if she was okay with it. DSD asked me and I obviously said yes, she’s a teenager, she wanted to talk about girl stuff with me, it was me paying for it.

If your DD wants to go dress shopping or uni shopping with her step mum of 9 odd years and her dad won’t bother I’m not sure why you’re blaming the step mum and no one else.

Assuming all the children are teens I wonder if this is an argument worth having, given they’ll be making choices for themselves pretty much soon.

I understand the uni thing being an over step. It doesn’t mean you can’t do a shop with her too and get some more fun things or use the money you would have used on other things for her.

I think raise it if you think she is reasonable enough to listen and change. Otherwise I’d wonder if it was worth the argument.

That sounds really hard. No suggestion except she is happy to email you so email your issues back. This weekend I had to go to the most excruciating dinner party with a friend I’ve known for years and it was her partner’s weekend with his 6 year old. My friend kept telling the child you have 2 mummies now and putting her real mother down. The poor kid was so upset and confused and the dad just went along with it all! I feel so sorry for the mum and the child by what she was doing. I did say something but my friend was so defensive. I can see it going the same way as your situation.

I get it but I would choose my battles - the 6th form contact is one - the rest I'd sigh, then think, her cash more fool her... Money saved for when dd needs a bit extra in the term or for non-boring uni gifts: if she gets the essentials leaves you to get fripperies If she buys a dress, leaves you to get accessories. As long as dd is happy, and you do not have to communicate at all with abusive ex, then I would just reframe it. You daughter is not daft. She knows who her Mum is and at their age, cannot be bought.

Anyone decent woman would have checked with the dm or asked her step daughter to check with her dm. It's not as if it was last minute it was months away. I'd how a word with your ex.

When your DDs get married will she expect to be ''mother of the bride''??🙄

Anyone with an ounce of decency or sense doesn't need to be told to not parents someone else's child or that there are certain lines you don't cross. To do so is to deliberately undermine that parent and shows a complete disrespect of that person. That said, I think it's a battle not worth fighting because she clearly isn't concerned with how you feel, nor does she see anything wrong with what she is doing. She also sounds like the kind of person quite likely to cause a stink so big you might end up regretting opening your mouth if you say something rather than this stopping her. Sometimes it's just easier for kids to not rock the boat so try and not take it personally.

Promise I'm not a step parent but I think, given the age of your kids, I'd continue to leave it be. Your daughter is off to uni and if you mention anything to your ex or the step-mother then it might get back to your daughter and is just going to tarnish things. As a uni age child you need to let your daughter feel free to do what she wants.
If you think the SM is going to be able to buy your kids affection then that's obviously a bad thing but even if that has happened it's not going to mean they love you any less.

The fact that your kids feel comfortable with their SM is a real credit to you. I understand that you must not like her very much (I'd hate her!) but you've done the right things for your kids. I bet it will pay off.

I would have complained about the school paperwork issue and I'd have been pissed off about the dress but I don't think the uni shopping trip is a problem. Who will be taking your daughter to Uni?

OllyBJolly What a lovely post.

The OP's daughter will be 17/18/19 and has a mouth. If the daughter is sure her mum will do stuff then she can tell the SM she is doing it with her mum.

So it is up to the OP to tell her own children clearly what she is and isn't doing with them in good time. She also needs to make it clear to to her own children these things matter to her.

Also if the OP has ever moaned, complained about or simply mentioned not having enough money to her children, then regardless of saying she will take them shopping her children will get their dad through their SM to pay for things. They will think they are being kind to their mother.

All this tall of "overstepping" is making me uncomfortable. It's like KNOW YOUR PLACE STEPMUM.

It's up to the daughter to speak up here if shes not happy, and mum needs to tell her daughter that she feels she's missing out on special moments. Could it be the daughter is thinking purely financially it is better for mum if dad pays for it all? Who knows but a discussion is needed. And yes the daughter might be happy but mum and stepmums feelings matter too.

Can you not speak to your daughter? She must be what, 18?

Make it clear to her with things like the uni shopping that you'd like to take her and then she can say that to her dad/SM if they ask.

She's a young adult though not a baby, maybe she asked her SM to take her?

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I'd have put a stop to it at the prom dress shopping - bang out of order unless the mother has said it's ok!
She's stepping on your toes and you need to make that clear to her and your daughters.

I am a mum and a step mum.

As a step mum I would never do any of the things mentioned in your post OP. Not my kids, not my place. It's up to my DH and his ex to deal with that sort of stuff. Obviously if my SC came to me and asked for help then I would get involved in some way but to be honest I'd probably still defer to my DH.

Prom dress, uni shopping etc - they're a rite of passage that should be reserved for the parents.

You know it's always treat them as if they are your own.

And posts like this remind all sp that this treat them as if your own only applies to the hard parts of being a step parent - free child care, ferrying around to one place or another ect

That said having been in your position re ex and sm and affair ect I can see why this would sting. She took your DH and now she's reviving those feelings with Dc.

I have to ask op gently did she do the hard parts of parenting that your ex didn't do ? If your used to stepping up all the time it's difficult to see where the line is.

Could your Dd have asked to do these things with her ? (I know thinking about this would be upsetting). Given the age of your Dc now ultimately it's up to them. I would say to Dc hey I would have liked to have done that with you and to be mindful. Doesn't sound like your ex is gonna be receptive but if she's cared for your Dc for a long while, it's probably worth a friendly chat with her as I doubt she's meant any harm by it. If you wouldn't be annoyed with say your mum doing these things with Dc then I think you need to reevaluate why it irks you so much it's her.

Your ex sounds like a waste of space but if you both have enabled him to step back, you both can't complain to loudly about someone stepping forward even if they were the ow.

I say this all really gently as I know your gonna have all sorts of emotions wrapped up in this but it's worth separating the emotions if you can. I would speak to Dc and then also sm if she's friendly. But if she's taken on more of the hard stuff of parenting I would give her some slack tbh.

The comments at the wedding I'm sorry to say sounds like someone trying to cause drama and I'm not sure I would believe all of it. Chinese whispers and all that jazz

And posts like this remind all sp that this treat them as if your own only applies to the hard parts of being a step parent - free child care, ferrying around to one place or another ect

I agree. I actually don't abide by the "treat them like your own at all times" crap so I don't disagree with OP that their SM is overstepping but then it does go against what people are told time and time again on these boards and shows people only mean 'treat like your own' when it's convenient or welcomed by their parents but not when it's something they want to do.

I have two step children and would never consider getting involved in any of these situations. She's massively overstepping and I would of put a stop to it years ago!

Teenagers don't think, they're pretty selfish and have disregard for "feelings". SM knew what she was doing, just like the prom dress. As for the prom dress... I would of suggested we look around and returned the dress to the SM and tell her we have found something better. That's just me!

To be honest, I find it odd that your DD didn't tell her SM she would do it with you. She is old enough now to be a bit more assertive.

Have you consider that your DD feels very close to her SM too and she wanted to go with her. I know this consideration is hurtful but uktimaty, if it's true, you telling SM to back off is only going to get your DD annoyed with you and closer to her SM.

I'd focus on the things you do do with your DD. I assume you will be taking her to Uni? If so make the most of it and just say it was really nice of SM to take her shopping.