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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Can / how do I tell step-parent to back off?

88 replies

Marvel123 · 21/08/2022 20:08

Ok. So thought about posting on here several times over years but never have. Figured I’ve been pretty patient about this situation so here goes. Sorry, it’s long.

Ex and I divorced 9 years ago after he had affair with woman who is now his wife. They were seeing each other behind my back for 6 months so it was pretty hard to become best pals at the time and not much really changed there. I didn’t take it to well at time but as time gone on I can see I had lucky escape it was for best really.

problem is that, in my opinion, SM just keeps overstepping the boundary between SP and actual parent. ExH is pretty hands off where kids (3 x DD) concerned and leaves everything to SM or me. I’m happy with that but what I don’t like is the SM constantly doing things that I want to do or feel she has no right to do. Examples

  • during break up sent me an epic email on how I was handling the situation badly and how I would emotionally damage my children as a result
  • spoke to DD3 (at age 6/7) teacher to say she thought reading book was to easy
  • took DD1 shopping for yr11 prom dress and bought said dress without speaking to me at all (did it in January and fortunately prom was cancelled due to covid so dress never got worn)
  • sent in application to DD1 6th form so they had SM details as parent not mine or ExH
  • and now this weekend with DD1 off to uni she’s just taken her shopping to buy moving out supplies and I’m gutted as I was really looking forward to doing this
There’s lots more and I could go on for ages but basically this whole thing just feels really hurtful. SM has 2 children of her own now. I used to ignore it figuring that when she had her own kids she might back off mine a bit but it’s just not happened. I’d also give her benefit of doubt and think she doesn’t realise what she’s doing only when affair was happening she got really drunk at a wedding and told lots people there that she was seeing a married man and that he had 3 kids and how that was extra great because she was going to break up the marriage and would be able to be their mum now (what she didn’t know was that one of my good friends was at same wedding ….)

The girls get on with her really well and I’m happy they’ve someone at their dads who can support and care for them when they are there, especially now they are teenagers. And I’m resigned to always sharing Christmas & birthdays. I just want her to recognise that there is a line and stop crossing it, especially when it comes to those mum & daughter moments or any major life choices (before they hit 18 and it’s up to them anyway).

Am I asking too much?

OP posts:
hewouldwouldnthe · 22/08/2022 09:48

I suppose you have to ask, are the DDs happy with this. If they hare happy to have 2 concerned and caring mums in their lives, then they are better for it. ExDH sounds a lazy dick. If a situation like the uni one comes up again just get in first. StepM sounds very involved which can only be good for DCs. If you feel very hurt maybe have a word with the older girls and suggest some things are mum and DD only?

Lilithslove · 22/08/2022 10:00

Your almost adult daughter is turning to your step mum for help for these things over you. I think you need to address the reasons for this rather than blame the step mum for stepping up and spending her hard earned cash on your daughter.

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 10:04

I wonder if it wouldn’t help to see her as his proxy. He’s devolved all the parenting in that household to her but she is (as stepparents always are) operating on his behalf. Rather than concentrating on her at all, maybe see this as stuff that your ex is doing.

So he (via his wife) did the prom dress shopping, the uni shopping, the sixth form application and so on. And was annoyed at you because you challenged his right to have his household do these things (on his behalf) rather than you.

Stop focusing on her (and block her from contacting you) and be angry with him for 1. Being a lazy arse who doesn’t do anything for his kids himself, and 2. Still wanting the glory of his household doing these things rather than you.

At this point, your DD is a young adult. The other children must be late teens or young adults too. You are going to need to speak to them and set boundaries. Explain the sort of things that are important to you and listen to their feelings on it. It might be hard to consider, but maybe your DD was happy to go shopping with her SM for uni stuff. Maybe she wasn’t. But you need to talk to her in a way that doesn’t create more pressure to keep the parents/parent-adjacent people in her life happy.

Concentrate on building the kind of relationship with your children where they choose to come to you with stuff like this. They’re growing up and it’s going to be up to them.

Blendiful · 22/08/2022 10:18

Ideally I agree with other posters. You should discuss with ex who should have a word. I don't think what you are asking is being unreasonable.

Or ideally could you have a word with her directly? Thank her for helping (that may sting a bit) but say you feel some things should be discussed first, and could she please contact you in future before doing such big things to see if you have it planned or want to do it.

I am a SM and could never imagine doing any of those things with a DSC of mine unless their parent specifically asked me to!

But also can you speak to DD direct? If she's of uni age or they are teenagers they should be old enough to understand and police what they do and don't do with her themselves.

My ex MIL took my daughter to a local prom dress shop to look and try on without me or speaking to me. However my DD told her she was going shopping with me for a dress, so entertained it but would never have bought one without me there.

I would speak to DD and say whilst you appreciate she wants to help there are some things you would like to do with them and could they check with you before going to do stuff? They are old enough to do this. And may have the best results.

LindaEllen · 22/08/2022 10:26

GinIronic · 21/08/2022 20:40

I would get the 6th form paperwork changed - she is not the parent. I would be very upset about the Uni thing. I think you have been too passive - I would have told her to wind her neck in a long time ago. Why is she so involved with your children - she had her own to deal with.

Well that'd be pointless seeing as she's now left sixth form..

lookluv · 22/08/2022 11:23

SM might just think she is helping out the Dad. I'd be counting myself lucky that SM was hands on"

WTF - this woman is a passive aggressive bully. She muscled in on your DH - his decision tot ake it forward, she is trying to take over your DCS - she is a CF, knows exactly what she is doing and is obviously deeply insecure especially after 9 yrs.

There are no lucky stas for the OP

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 11:40

lookluv · 22/08/2022 11:23

SM might just think she is helping out the Dad. I'd be counting myself lucky that SM was hands on"

WTF - this woman is a passive aggressive bully. She muscled in on your DH - his decision tot ake it forward, she is trying to take over your DCS - she is a CF, knows exactly what she is doing and is obviously deeply insecure especially after 9 yrs.

There are no lucky stas for the OP

Muscled in on her DH?

It never ceases to amaze and depress me how easily people absolve men for their own responsibilities. He was married. He had an affair. He left his wife for the OW.

He is a half-arsed lazy father who delegates everything (including decision making) to the women in his life.

It’s an incredible patriarchal sleight of hand. Everyone is looking at the women. They’re all watching and blaming each other. And he’s just sitting there like he’s coated in Teflon.

Even the OP has decided that it’s not worth being angry at him and is focusing instead on this dreadful other woman. Despite the fact that - even if the woman is truly deplorable - all her actions are enabled and sanctioned by her husband.

it’s so depressing.

HippyDippieTrees · 22/08/2022 12:16

This ^^

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 12:24

lookluv · 22/08/2022 11:23

SM might just think she is helping out the Dad. I'd be counting myself lucky that SM was hands on"

WTF - this woman is a passive aggressive bully. She muscled in on your DH - his decision tot ake it forward, she is trying to take over your DCS - she is a CF, knows exactly what she is doing and is obviously deeply insecure especially after 9 yrs.

There are no lucky stas for the OP

Muscled in?! Hahahahaha

Tara336 · 22/08/2022 12:27

Absolutely overstepping the mark and I say that as a step parent! Personally I would consult with SC DM over such big things as you have listed. Definitely speak to her about it or email seeing as that's her favourite form of communication and make it clear she needs to accept boundaries

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 22/08/2022 12:48

*Muscled in on her DH?

It never ceases to amaze and depress me how easily people absolve men for their own responsibilities. He was married. He had an affair. He left his wife for the OW.

He is a half-arsed lazy father who delegates everything (including decision making) to the women in his life.

It’s an incredible patriarchal sleight of hand. Everyone is looking at the women. They’re all watching and blaming each other. And he’s just sitting there like he’s coated in Teflon.

Even the OP has decided that it’s not worth being angry at him and is focusing instead on this dreadful other woman. Despite the fact that - even if the woman is truly deplorable - all her actions are enabled and sanctioned by her husband.

it’s so depressing.*

Nailed it @SudocremOnEverything everything above ☝🏻

DuchessDarty · 22/08/2022 16:09

The SM was bang out of order in most of these instances.

I would have been apoplectic over the 6th Form one.

I would never intentionally shop for a prom dress in January so it wouldn’t have occurred to me to tell my child that far in advance that I wanted to go prom dress shopping with her. I would try and always give the benefit of the doubt in the first instance and think maybe it was impromptu and they saw good deals in the Jan sales. However with all the things together it sounds like she may be deliberately trying to do things she knows is more in your remit.

With the dress and some of the other things she’s not acting as your ex’s proxy unless he would have taken her prom dress shopping and didn’t think you’d want to, which clearly isn’t the case.

I’d check with your DC to see how the uni shopping trip came about - did DC ask? Then I’d speak to your ex and the SM firmly, setting your boundaries.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 16:13

What is with all this "overstepping". STAY IN YOUR LANE. Know your place. It's ridiculous. How about, some things are nice for parents to be given the chance to do "firsts" and the like.

DuchessDarty · 22/08/2022 16:28

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 16:13

What is with all this "overstepping". STAY IN YOUR LANE. Know your place. It's ridiculous. How about, some things are nice for parents to be given the chance to do "firsts" and the like.

You know you said this already this morning?

Who’s said this since then that has caused you to break out into CAPS? Grin

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 16:30

@Tara336 did. I'm getting fed up of being told to be a good woman and stay in my place. If the ex is being shit then why shouldn't I step up if DC wants me to.

DuchessDarty · 22/08/2022 16:37

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 16:30

@Tara336 did. I'm getting fed up of being told to be a good woman and stay in my place. If the ex is being shit then why shouldn't I step up if DC wants me to.

Yes Tara did say that but she made it clear she was saying so as a stepmother herself! As have SMs on here. Are they not allowed a different view to you?

What was said wasn’t about you unless you’re the SM in this scenario. Just because it’s said in one specific instance, doesn’t mean it applies to stepmothers as a whole.

DuchessDarty · 22/08/2022 16:39

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 16:30

@Tara336 did. I'm getting fed up of being told to be a good woman and stay in my place. If the ex is being shit then why shouldn't I step up if DC wants me to.

Yes Tara did say that but she made it clear she was saying so as a stepmother herself! As have SMs on here. Are they not allowed a different view to you?

What was said wasn’t about you unless you’re the SM in this scenario. Just because it’s said in one specific instance, doesn’t mean it applies to stepmothers as a whole.

DuchessDarty · 22/08/2022 16:40

Apologies for double post - tech fail

lookluv · 22/08/2022 16:43

OP said -
I'’d also give her benefit of doubt and think she doesn’t realise what she’s doing only when affair was happening she got really drunk at a wedding and told lots people there that she was seeing a married man and that he had 3 kids and how that was extra great because she was going to break up the marriage and would be able to be their mum now (what she didn’t know was that one of my good friends was at same wedding ….)

Yes her EX s useless but this woman has deliberately gone out of her way to undermine OP and her role as a parent - what I said reflected this. She has muscled in on OPS family and those words are evidence that her behaviour is deliberate and calculated. The OP has nothing to be grateful to her - these are dleiberate calculated actions

plinkypots · 22/08/2022 16:54

I wouldn't bother. I can see how it's upsetting but I'm not sure you'll get anything from it. I certainly wouldn't bring things up from years and years ago. I would have a word reminding her that you will fill out the 6th form app for the other two kids. I think you need to speak to your daughters about important tasks/events and gently see what their preference is and let them know you'd like to be the one to do these things with them.

GlueyMooey · 22/08/2022 16:55

It's amazing how differently posters can interpret the same situation. Some posters think the stepmother only has evil intentions while others think that she has just not realized that the OPs feelings might be hurt and that is a real positive that the stepmother gets along with the kids so well.

Id assume the 'nicer' alternative and be happy that my kids have someone else in their lives who cares about them. I think it's more likely to be thoughtlessness or even that the daughter was instigating it. I'd only be worried if I didn't have a good relationship with my kids.

I guess the OP has a better idea than us.

SudocremOnEverything · 22/08/2022 17:25

GlueyMooey · 22/08/2022 16:55

It's amazing how differently posters can interpret the same situation. Some posters think the stepmother only has evil intentions while others think that she has just not realized that the OPs feelings might be hurt and that is a real positive that the stepmother gets along with the kids so well.

Id assume the 'nicer' alternative and be happy that my kids have someone else in their lives who cares about them. I think it's more likely to be thoughtlessness or even that the daughter was instigating it. I'd only be worried if I didn't have a good relationship with my kids.

I guess the OP has a better idea than us.

Personally I think it doesn’t matter what the SM’s motivations are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tara336 · 22/08/2022 17:34

@fufflecake I will repeat what I said. I am a stepmother, I would not dream of doing the things your child's stepmother is doing, it needs to be resolved with her. Maybe work on your communication @DuchessDarty thank you

HippyDippieTrees · 22/08/2022 18:43

@Tara336 you aren't the authority on step parenting just because you are one. Dc in blended families grow up in a wide systemic environment with each individual having different thoughts and different ways of doing things.

My dds step mum did her hair for prom. I just thought how lovely it looked and thanked her profusely. I wouldn't have given a shit if they had bought her dress. Not everyone sees things as an over step. Different strokes for different folks.

Tara336 · 22/08/2022 18:47

@HippyDippieTrees I don't remember claiming to be! I just said in my original post that I wouldn't dream of overstepping the mark as far as my SC go, they are not my children and I agree with the OP that there are big events that I completely understand are for their DM to enjoy with them, personally think that's a pretty middle of the road and reasonable attitude.