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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

I know I should leave but it’s hard

113 replies

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 11:47

Hi. Would really value opinions and not judgements but by putting myself out here I understand I will get both..for the last six years I have been in a relationship with an older man with three children, I have one son. It has always been tricky navigating blending families and there have been many parts of it that I have found complex and emotionally very hard. I have a more detached relationship from my ex husband so we will communicate via text etc , he generally does pick ups from school and things but it works well for my son and they have a great relationship. My partner on the other hand is a real proponent of coparenting and will still go into his old marital home to see kids when he needs ro thinks his way is the best way etc etc. Doesn’t understand when I objected to his daughter staying extra nights with not much notice, has accused me of being “socially awkward” around his kids, to be honest I’ve felt very overwhelmed when all four have been here at once. Anyway to cut a long story short there have been some horrible volatile rows resulting in a particularly nasty one where my partner was shouting in front of his son who then was crying etc, it was awful, I then asked his son and him to leave the house and for his son to go back to his mothers just because the atmosphere was so uncomfortable. Since then his kids haven’t been here for four months, well I have seen his son once but that’s it. His older teenage daughters haven’t been. This is many ways has caused me lots of relief..to cut a long story short I know deep down what needs to happen but I am scared. Scared of being alone again with my son. Worried I’ve met him down 😞😞Just so confused and upset. My partners kids aren’t bad it’s just me I’ve found step parenting more complex and difficult than I could have ever imagined 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 12:08

I just wanted to add that I love my son more than anything and I know I need to do what’s best for him as well. He would be sad to not see my partners children anymore but to be honest he hasn’t for this length of time anyway and he is starting to pick up on the fact that mum isn’t happy which makes me feel very upset 😢

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2022 12:14

This is awful, op. Your partner's children have essentially been banished from their father's home from the sound of it. This relationship needs to end immediately. All sorts of toxic nonsense going on.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 12:18

Sorry op but your behaviour is disgusting. Please end this relationship and let those kids have a relationship with their father who actually sounds like a good father yet you are deliberately stopping him from being one.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 12:22

I think there should be context here. He started the argument In front of his child was shouting loudly and actually it was scary for his child. I asked them to leave I didn’t ask them to leave for four months that has been my partners choice and he has in effect punished me with that decision ever since and tried to make me feel guilty.

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 13/08/2022 12:22

I don't think he sounds like a good father if he's not seen them in his home for 4 months. If anyone tried to stop me seeing my DC on my days with them I'd be gone, absolute deal breaker and should have been for OPs DP well before now.

DuchessDarty · 13/08/2022 12:24

Agree with @Aquamarine1029 This needs to end immediately.

I feel incredibly sorry for your step-son.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2022 12:25

Why are you scared of being along with your own son? How were you coping before you got together with this man?

It’s not a good excuse for maintaining a bad relationship and no relationship is better than a shouty dysfunctional one.

His relationship with his children is being compromised by the issues between the two of you and your son is also suffering because you’re miserable. It all sounds awful.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2022 12:27

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 12:18

Sorry op but your behaviour is disgusting. Please end this relationship and let those kids have a relationship with their father who actually sounds like a good father yet you are deliberately stopping him from being one.

Don’t absolve him of the choices he’s making. He’s their father. If he can’t be bothered to see his kids that’s on him, not OP.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 12:28

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 13/08/2022 12:22

I don't think he sounds like a good father if he's not seen them in his home for 4 months. If anyone tried to stop me seeing my DC on my days with them I'd be gone, absolute deal breaker and should have been for OPs DP well before now.

It doesn't say he hasn't seen them, just not seen them in his home. I don't blame him, I wouldn't want my kids round op either and if i were ther kids i wouldn't want to be there.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 12:29

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2022 12:27

Don’t absolve him of the choices he’s making. He’s their father. If he can’t be bothered to see his kids that’s on him, not OP.

Show quote history

It doesn't say he hasn't seen them.

DuchessDarty · 13/08/2022 12:30

There’s nothing to suggest the father isn’t seeing his kids, we just know he isn’t having them over at his & the OP’s house.

LovelaceBiggWither · 13/08/2022 12:36

Yes, the father is responsible for the not seeing the kids for 4 months. A reasonable man would have discussed this and worked with the OP on sorting out the issues.

I had a very difficult relationship with my stepdaughter and we did argue in front of her but both of us were responsible for that. If after one of those, my DH decided it meant she wasn't coming for 4 months I would have really wondered what on earth his goal was?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 12:40

LovelaceBiggWither · 13/08/2022 12:36

Yes, the father is responsible for the not seeing the kids for 4 months. A reasonable man would have discussed this and worked with the OP on sorting out the issues.

I had a very difficult relationship with my stepdaughter and we did argue in front of her but both of us were responsible for that. If after one of those, my DH decided it meant she wasn't coming for 4 months I would have really wondered what on earth his goal was?

It does not say anywhere that he has not seen his kids, just that they have not been to the house and I dont blame them not wanting to be there, op hasn't not exactly been welcoming towards them has she?

FlatBottomedGirl · 13/08/2022 12:42

If you are struggling with being a step parent you and your partner need to work out the dynamic that works for everyone but at the moment it doesn't sound fair on your SC. Work it out, or split. Interested in why you're worried about parenting alone again.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 13/08/2022 12:51

Unless OP and her DP live separately it isn't good enough for their DF not to see them in his home. That's going to be hurting them.

lunar1 · 13/08/2022 12:56

What's the house situation, do you own it together?

Where/when is he seeing his children?

startfresh · 13/08/2022 13:04

I'm usually with the stepmums on this thread, even though I'm not one and never had one, but OP is totally wrong here. Poor kids and poor DP. They need to be set free.

Original poster
Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 13:22

I always made them feel welcome to the point I adapted my sons room to have bunk beds for my partners son, the box room for his girls. However I have found it overwhelming and complicated, it’s not easy having to deal with ex wife, kids etc and especially what I perceive as a fairly intense coparenting relationship. If I’m afraid to be alone with my son it’s because he has known my partner since he was one, I still carry guilt about splitting with my husband when he was so young even though that was completely the right mutual decision. I am not an evil stepmum just a confused one

OP posts:
Original poster
Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 13:27

He has still been seeing his kids just away from here, one is nearly 18 so she wasn’t actively coming round anyway. He feels that I have put him in an awkward position with regards to having to spend some more time at his ex’s, even though they co parent well he is not particularly interested in spending time at his old house or when she is around as he does still find that part rather awkward. It is a mess I’ll hold my hands up but he didn’t make an effort to sort things out this end at all in my opinion, so now it has dragged on to the point where to be honest I would feel profoundly awkward going back to the usual routine

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 13/08/2022 13:41

Yes you need to leave. The relationship is over. You know that already do not sure what else you are looking for. No one is telling you to stay.

lunar1 · 13/08/2022 13:42

Having a bed in their dads home is a basic necessity, not a grand, welcoming gesture.

It's sad that he isn't prioritising his children, I don't understand how any parent can detach from their own children like this.

xJoyfulCalmWisdomx · 13/08/2022 13:45

Wow, I can understand how all four of his kids and him in your home could feel overwhelming. Like it's not your safe place anymore, they're the unit and you're just there.

It's not working and a PP is right, his relationship with his kids is down to him not you.

It's ok to make a mistake. Don't live with the mistake forever though.
You can leave.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 13:45

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 13:22

I always made them feel welcome to the point I adapted my sons room to have bunk beds for my partners son, the box room for his girls. However I have found it overwhelming and complicated, it’s not easy having to deal with ex wife, kids etc and especially what I perceive as a fairly intense coparenting relationship. If I’m afraid to be alone with my son it’s because he has known my partner since he was one, I still carry guilt about splitting with my husband when he was so young even though that was completely the right mutual decision. I am not an evil stepmum just a confused one

Doesn’t understand when I objected to his daughter staying extra nights with not much notice, has accused me of being “socially awkward” around his kids

I then asked his son and him to leave the house and for his son to go back to his mothers just because the atmosphere was so uncomfortable

Op, You have actively made them unwelcome, Good on your partner for still seeing them even though you have made it difficult for him to do so, I wouldn't want my kids in your house either for them to be made to feel like that.

Bananarama21 · 13/08/2022 13:51

So you happy for your son to be present but not his dc and banished them back to there mothers. It sounds like you both behaved appalling for these poor dc catch in-between you both you more so being unreasonable about him popping into his kids home and preventing them staying an extra night.

tootrueblue · 13/08/2022 14:05

It's not workable. You tried it, it's not for you and clearly, it's not acceptable if his kids aren't welcome in his home. You need to put all kids first and make the decision to split.

Step-parenting isn't for everyone and there's no medals given out. If it's not for you and you know it so early on, it's time to move on.