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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I know I should leave but it’s hard

113 replies

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 11:47

Hi. Would really value opinions and not judgements but by putting myself out here I understand I will get both..for the last six years I have been in a relationship with an older man with three children, I have one son. It has always been tricky navigating blending families and there have been many parts of it that I have found complex and emotionally very hard. I have a more detached relationship from my ex husband so we will communicate via text etc , he generally does pick ups from school and things but it works well for my son and they have a great relationship. My partner on the other hand is a real proponent of coparenting and will still go into his old marital home to see kids when he needs ro thinks his way is the best way etc etc. Doesn’t understand when I objected to his daughter staying extra nights with not much notice, has accused me of being “socially awkward” around his kids, to be honest I’ve felt very overwhelmed when all four have been here at once. Anyway to cut a long story short there have been some horrible volatile rows resulting in a particularly nasty one where my partner was shouting in front of his son who then was crying etc, it was awful, I then asked his son and him to leave the house and for his son to go back to his mothers just because the atmosphere was so uncomfortable. Since then his kids haven’t been here for four months, well I have seen his son once but that’s it. His older teenage daughters haven’t been. This is many ways has caused me lots of relief..to cut a long story short I know deep down what needs to happen but I am scared. Scared of being alone again with my son. Worried I’ve met him down 😞😞Just so confused and upset. My partners kids aren’t bad it’s just me I’ve found step parenting more complex and difficult than I could have ever imagined 😞

OP posts:

tootrueblue · 13/08/2022 14:08

Apologies, I read your OP as 6 months rather than 6 years. Even more so now, you've given it shed loads of time. You're not suited and you've not managed to blend sufficiently as two families.

Yousee · 13/08/2022 14:38

My DSD is welcome to be here whenever, without prior consultation, unless her being her directly affects me in some way, like previous plans having to shift around. She's not really any extra work for me because DH parents his child.
I'm guessing that is not the case in your scenario, hence your objections. So everyone either needs to use their words and explain what their expectations are and come to an agreement on how to proceed, or pull the plug.
Horrible for all involved for this to drag on while the adults bury their heads in the sand.

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:05

It is horrible and yes it is a mess. I have been good to his kids, I’ve taken them out, helped with homework, done all the usual things, never been outwardly hostile or anything like that. For the record his daughter previously came here weekly overnight and usually every other weekend as did his younger son. His older girl is now nearly 18 so has her own priorities job/ boyfriend etc. However I have struggled in myself with jealousy towards his ex wife, feeling that he and I will never have the same bond. Lots of conflicting feelings. Conflicting feelings about my son, feeling that the time I have with him is precious as my only child and that when my partners kids have come here that time is somehow being taken away from him. I know fundamentally things aren’t compatible but am I struggling with the decision yes I am. It’s not easy to feel like I’ve let my child down again.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 15:09

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:05

This is all about you and your child with very little thought into your partner and his children. Honestly op after reading your last update it is quite obvious you are not cut out to be a step mum and thats ok but please end the relationship before you cause any more strain on your partner and his kids relationship.

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:10

My partner has never treated my son differently and has never been hostile to him but of course I can see the bond is different. They are close and do get on but it’s not like with him and his own son or with my son and his dad. But he has been in my sons life for six years and that’s a big deal to me. We used to have a really happy relationship but the last year in particular has been very complex lots of butting heads and arguments (I would say as well 99 percent kept away from my son but he is now starting to realise mum isn’t as happy as she was) I have felt at times especially in the last four months where he has been seeing his kids separately that I have been doing a lot of things with my son alone, taking him out and meeting friends etc, going to theme parks with just him. And I feel although my partner and I are still here in the same house that we are sadly now operating different lives and commitments. The whole thing makes me feel very confused and upset.

OP posts:

Louise0701 · 13/08/2022 15:12

Your husband should leave. You’ve behaved appalling and the fact you refused to let his daughter stay “extra nights” is shocking.

i feel for his son.

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:13

I do agree with your last message and that the right thing to do is to end it for everyone’s sake but it’s just so hard. I am in counselling at the moment and was hoping that it could help me see clearer but deep down I know things will not change. The change seems to be wanted all from my end, I know he wants me to be more flexible etc but has he not behaved badly by making the decision to keep his kids away for this amount of time without any real opportunity to resolve stuff?

OP posts:

CJsGoldfish · 13/08/2022 15:19

I know deep down what needs to happen but I am scared. Scared of being alone again with my son
Everyone else shouldn't have to suffer just because you don't want to be alone 🙄

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 15:20

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:13

He is simply protecting his kids, that to me is a good father. A father who puts his partner and her wants and needs before his kids would be an awful father.

He must be in such an awful situation, he has already told you how uncomfortable it makes him to have to go to his ex's house to see his kids as he can't bring them to his home anymore.

I honestly don't believe it can be 'resolved' too much has happened and the kids know they are not welcome there, bringing them back would be horrible for all involved. He is doing the right thing, now it is your turn to do the right thing.

DuchessDarty · 13/08/2022 15:22

With respect, it’s not really confusing is it? None of you sound happy. No one’s needs seem to be being met.

I agree with everything @Yousee wrote. However I do wonder if even a frank conversation about expectations and arrangements will be enough or if the damage has been done.

I think asking your DP and his son to leave when you had an argument with your DP was very bad. Shouting isn’t great and your DP was wrong but you making the crying child leave is… oof. You should have asked your DP to take a walk by himself to calm down. Arguments and shouting do happen, children witness it, but they can cope with it if they see healthy resolution. No child is going to want to stay in a place where they may be asked to leave for not doing anything wrong.

DarkDarkNight · 13/08/2022 15:37

Do you not like the fact your partner visits his children’s house? Just because you handle all interactions with your ex via text doesn’t make this right or the correct way to go about things.

your partner has your son in his home the majority of the time yet you are not willing to accommodate his children at short notice? You sound very much like you want things your own way.

I don’t think it’s a sustainable relationship anymore as it has really affected his relationship with his own children. Separation sounds for the best.

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:43

No I’m not always comfortable with him going there, he doesn’t all the time but he has been more in the last few months because of the situation here. I think the age ranges of the children are beginning to show that has also been problematic so with regards to the extra nights thing his middle girl is 15 my son is 7 so different bedtimes/ schools/ routines. I’ll hold my hands up and say step parenting is very very hard. Maybe I’m selfish but when I’ve been here before and my partner is here with his three kids monopolising the lounge and I’ve just felt very out of place at times. And I’ve never been able to win because when I’ve done things like go upstairs and watch tv etc to get some space And also to allow them to have time with their father I have been told it’s come across as “rude” or socially awkward. Whereas I haven’t perceived it as such I always assumed it was the right thing to do for everyone concerned.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:46

Also I’ve been told on different occasions that I haven’t “embraced” them enough or loved them like my own child. And that has been hard also as of course I don’t love them like my own son, I always thought being nice and respectful when they were here was enough.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 15:46

look at it this way if a woman came on here and said the following, what would the advice be?

I am in a relationship with a man who has a son, he is the rp and we live together, I have always gotten on with his son and been in his life since he was 1.I have 3 dc from a previous relationship who live with their father but come here eow/school holidays etc.
I dont know what has gone wrong or why but my partner has been so unwelcoming lately to my dc, He objected to my dd staying an extra few nights which upset her and me but he wouldn't change his mind or understand why I was upset.
He is extremely jealous of the coparenting relationship i have with my dcs father and openly admits that, I think its great that we co parent together and its in the best interest of my dc but he thinks as he only has a text relationship with his ex over their child that i should be doing the same.
4 months ago we got into a row when my ds was here, it was horrible and i admit I lost me temper (i have a feeling he causes these rows when my dc are here on purpose) Anyway, he told me to leave and to take my son back to his fathers, my son was extremely upset that this happened and was crying, he didn't understand why he was being punished when he had done nothing wrong.
Since then I have decided along with the kids and their father that taking them to my home is no longer an option as they just feel uncomfortable and not welcome. i was hoping over the last 4 months that maybe my dp would realise how badly behaved he has been towards me and my dc and might have even apologised and try to sort things out but that hasn't happened. So what should I do mumsnet??

I think everyone knows what the advice would be.

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:49

He made the decision about the four months. Many times I offered to text and pacify the situation and to meet them for lunch to try and clear the air.

OP posts:

DuchessDarty · 13/08/2022 15:50

So your DH has 4 children?

What are all their ages? You mentioned his “younger” son but it seems 3 of them are girls.

StopStartStop · 13/08/2022 15:51

It's not confusing, it's clear.
This man and his four children make life miserable for you and your son.
You find that objectionable - perfectly reasonable.
Split from him. Look after yourself and your son.

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:52

He has three kids Sorry if I didn’t make that clear two teenage girls and one younger son. I have one son of my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:54

It’s confusing because I still love and care for my partner that hasn’t just gone away but I know the last year has damaged us to probably the point of no repair. Some of the arguments have been very heated and things have been said both sides that are hard to forget.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 15:57

I also know and have some insight into the fact that I have come across as unreasonable but balancing everyone’s needs has felt at times impossible, I know co parenting in his way is probably for the best for children but as the new partner it can be quite hard. I don’t dislike his kids in anyway, they have always been kind and respectful towards me but I have often felt in the way and out of place when they have been here.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 16:20

Op,

If your ex brought your son home early and explained that his partner has said he couldn't stay and he needed to come home after having a row infront of him and upsetting him, would you expect him to still take him round there where your ds probably feels highly unwelcome or would you expect him to make other arrangements that were best for you son by not taking him back into a toxic environment?

Original poster

Inamess2022 · 13/08/2022 16:24

I understand it is easy to blame me for the argument that took place in front of his son. I had a knee jerk reaction to things that had been brewing for a while when i asked them to leave it was initially in my head a request just to go out for a while and cool off. And my partner was the one who initiated the argument and was shouting in front of his son causing him to cry so that part was not my responsibility. I felt horrendous about it I still do. But it’s really not all my fault 😞

OP posts:

Macaroni46 · 13/08/2022 16:26

I think a key question is, is it your house or a house you share with your DP?
If it's the former, I see your point.
If it's the latter, then you're being massively unreasonable

SpaceshiptoMars · 13/08/2022 16:29

I suspect the majority of people replying here are not actually step-parents, but women whose children have a step-mother. So.... I'm going to go against the grain.

Did your partner move into your home or did you rent/buy together to accommodate the larger family? Something about your tone suggests the former to me, but hey.

If you were used to just you and your baby DS, then of course it was going to be utterly overwhelming when DP and his army moved in and crowded you out of any space to retreat with dignity. Whenever they are there, it sounds like you collect responsibility for them with no authority and the ex wife's house rules are assumed to be written on tablets of stone. The 'socially awkward' trope is just a big stick to beat you with. Your DP is being massively selfish and not understanding the basic human need for space and that you cannot. make. instant. families. Just bunging everyone in one room does not a family make. It takes a lot of time. At least a decade. Ideally each member of the new family needs their own space to retreat to, and to be able do so without criticism.

The biggest problem is being created by your DP being a selfish arse. It sounds to me like you've bent over so far backwards, you're grabbing the back of your own heels..... If you finally had it and snapped, you snapped. No judgement from me!

It also sounds like you fear that the first family is now reforming, and that you have served your purpose and can now be discarded. If you can get some counselling, go for it. Your DP will need to make some massive changes to his attitude for this relationship to fly. You have value too. It is your home, you should not feel driven out of it.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/08/2022 16:58

I suspect the majority of people replying here are not actually step-parents, but women whose children have a step-mother. So.... I'm going to go against the grain

I am a step mother, my children do not have a step mother.

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