I know I should leave but it’s hard

[Inamess2022]

Hi. Would really value opinions and not judgements but by putting myself out here I understand I will get both..for the last six years I have been in a relationship with an older man with three children, I have one son. It has always been tricky navigating blending families and there have been many parts of it that I have found complex and emotionally very hard. I have a more detached relationship from my ex husband so we will communicate via text etc , he generally does pick ups from school and things but it works well for my son and they have a great relationship. My partner on the other hand is a real proponent of coparenting and will still go into his old marital home to see kids when he needs ro thinks his way is the best way etc etc. Doesn’t understand when I objected to his daughter staying extra nights with not much notice, has accused me of being “socially awkward” around his kids, to be honest I’ve felt very overwhelmed when all four have been here at once. Anyway to cut a long story short there have been some horrible volatile rows resulting in a particularly nasty one where my partner was shouting in front of his son who then was crying etc, it was awful, I then asked his son and him to leave the house and for his son to go back to his mothers just because the atmosphere was so uncomfortable. Since then his kids haven’t been here for four months, well I have seen his son once but that’s it. His older teenage daughters haven’t been. This is many ways has caused me lots of relief..to cut a long story short I know deep down what needs to happen but I am scared. Scared of being alone again with my son. Worried I’ve met him down 😞😞Just so confused and upset. My partners kids aren’t bad it’s just me I’ve found step parenting more complex and difficult than I could have ever imagined 😞

It’s my tenancy and he moved in 4 years ago, prior to that he had his own flat for two years and in hindsight he probably should have kept that on 😞 for the first year and a half I didn’t meet his kids as he was trying to manage things properly I suppose and get them used to their new reality. I suppose it’s a self fulfilling prophecy I’ve now pushed him back towards his ex and that house, I know there is nothing between them other than “coparenting” but that still doesn’t mean I don’t find it hard. Plus his ex in the six years after divorce hasn’t had a new partner which I suppose I took as she hasn’t moved on “properly”

It really does seem it’s just not going to work out and that regardless of who is to blame for what, it’s got to a point where things have really broken down and you’re both not able to work together to fix them.

The DC aren’t staying over at yours at the moment and haven’t for months, so it won’t be too “messy” on a practical level to go one step further she makes the split. Ultimately your responsibility is to your son and what’s best for him. A clean break may be (I’m not saying it definitely is) better then him wondering why, although his SD lives with you, he never sees his SD’s children anymore.

It’s my tenancy and he moved in 4 years ago

How do you manage the rent and bills? Who pays for what? Do you feel you are giving and giving - and his family are taking and taking? Who does the extra housework, cooking, meal planning etc when his family come? Does 'fun' stuff only happen when his children are present?

Well presumably the OP doesn’t feel like his family is “taking and taking” at the moment @SpaceshiptoMars because they’re not. They can’t - the 3 kids are never there any more. The OP has only seen one of them out of the three in the last four months, and that was only once.

It’s bern the DP’s decision to not have the DC at the OP’s house or meeting up yet her so he can’t be accused of taking advantage of her re his children. He may have been doing that but he’s not anymore and hasn’t been for 4 months.

He pays his share and is good around the house…I have felt that everything seems to hype up before the kids come..sheets must be washed , big tidy around happens (even though to be fair they barely sleep on them so room is generally always clean) Certain meals are cooked and special snacks and drinks..he does perceive himself as a very committed dad of the year type..he’s very proud of the fact his daughters can come to him about most things..he can be a very full on dad, he can never just call it always had to be face time..I don’t know maybe it is just me but it all feels quite overbearing

But op, if you only seen your dc eow would you not make sure their bedding was clean, you made the meals they enjoyed and supply snacks and drinks you know they like?

You do this automatically as your ds is with you full time, he is doing no different to what you do surely?

Isnt it a good thing that his dd can talk to him about anything?

And why not FaceTime? He honestly sounds like a great hands on dad who has a lot of time for his kids. How can any of that be a bad thing?

It’s not a bad thing but it feels like it comes above everything and everyone else and a lot of the time it feels like it’s more important to keep the co parenting relationship running than the one in the actual house he lives in 😞

It would appear that step parenting is not for either of you.

No matter what anyone says it must be a huge imposition to have a non blood related child/children stay with you on and off until they are adults. That applies to both of you.

Personally I couldn't do it. I would resent the amount of time and effort involved in trying to be Mum and stepmum on an equal basis, when in fact you are only caring for the step children because you are in a relationship with their father.

I'd say you are not alone thinking the way you do. It is hard. No matter how well you do things/welcome them etc. they are NOT your children, and you will never have a mum bond with them, and vice versa. It is like a play.

That is not to say that there aren't many blended families that work out very well. But they often don't. Go with your gut instinct and decide from there. You are not to blame, but don't let the situation linger either. Make a decision.

@DuchessDarty I ask the questions, because I've seen the scenario so many times on MN. Older man selects young, naive woman with or without a baby, as replacement woman to the one he split with. Despite her youth, he expects her to be up to speed with parenting teens, fully on all the time, no downtime, no life of her own. She is expected to fit seamlessly in with his family, none of whom will give an inch or move over at all for her. She's young, therefore by definition she has to give way to the entire DP clan in all things. She is also often working full-time and subsidising the entire setup as well...

Fair enough @SpaceshiptoMars ! That is not great circumstances for any women to be in. It seems the OP isn’t in that position though, but she does seem to be relationship that isn’t working for either her or her DP.

People think that the man in this situation is doing such a great job taking on the OP's child. But - he is just going through the baby stages with this child, and he's done it 3 times before already - and this is just one child. The OP, in contrast, hasn't done the tweens and teens years at all, so it's going to be uphill all the way - and she has three to cope with.

It all seems very unbalanced and stacked against the OP to me. Far, far more is asked of her than of the DP. And there seems to be no suggestion of marriage or further children for her, to warm her to this situation.

Leave. Your son deserves better than this. Your child comes first. He doesn’t have a choice really when you decide to partner up with someone. He just has to hope you picked a decent one which you haven’t on this occasion. Put your child first. As the child of a parent who put her bed warmers as my sister and I called them before her children I can tell you it does untold mental damage to witness rows and domestic violence. It doesn’t have to be physical to be DV. We weren’t difficult kids either. We learnt our place which was second to her current bloke and tried to keep off their radar. Don’t mean to sound harsh but this situation is no good for your son and certainly no good for you.

Just want to say thanks for everyone’s input. I agree about putting my son first and that is what I am going to do. The imbalance comment was spot on that’s really how I feel , that it’s all stacked in my partners favour..I was even told once that I should be “blessed” to have his children in my life because it was now like I had my own daughters. I’ve never ever felt that way, they aren’t my daughters they never will be.

Wrong move. You should have removed yourself and not made thr child feel unwelcome and kicked out. He was already crying. Step-parenting can be tricky but you're the adult and you behaved very badly. Yes hevstarted the argument and shouting but you took it further by kicking the poor child out.

To be honest the relationship now feels strained, no arguments now just awkwardness. I think his kids being kept away from the house has made everything just profoundly tricky and when we inevitably split I won’t be seeing them again which is sad but to be honest I’ve got used to it 😞

I feel very sad about it all and I question myself daily, I can feel such love for my own son and would do anything for him but I just seem to have a wall up with my partners kids, the problem is I have associated everything my partner does for his kids to his ex wife as well which has made him stressed and unhappy. I’m genuinely not a “bad” person I’ve always wanted what is best for everyone and I certainly am not someone who would prioritise a man over my son, I was very cautious about introducing my partner to him and one of the reasons I did is because I knew him long term as we worked together previously many years ago.

You have reached the crisis point. The point where things have to either change or stop. DP has to work out what he wants from this relationship both now and long term. Do you matter enough to him that he is prepared to make drastic changes? Is he offering you enough to keep you? If he loses you now, who else will take him on with 3 teenagers and a highly involved ex? He has value to you, because he took on your son and you were colleagues. What value does he offer a Tinder date? Not youth, not wealth, not children, not marriage apparently. He would have to find an older woman with teenagers who is closely involved with her ex. And that would mean she has very little time or energy left for him.....

See if you can get hold of a library copy of this very useful book. It will make you cry, but it may offer you some partial solutions, and clarify some of what you don't want:
www.amazon.co.uk/Becoming-Stepfamily-Development-Remarried-Institute/dp/0881633097

I do think whoever suggested you were acquiring 2 daughters was lying through their teeth. It's called future faking. There is no way their own mother would permit that closeness of relationship. She might tolerate fond auntie, but even that might be pushing your luck. Depends if you get on with each other.

Someone else may have experience of making the close ex situation work. With two parents almost birds-nesting, it must be incredibly difficult for their partners to work out a palatable role.

the problem is I have associated everything my partner does for his kids to his ex wife as well

Can you expand on that? I'm not sure what you mean.

She can't see his kids as individual beings without seeing their mum. it was a disater from the start!

You're not cut out to be a stepmum and that's ok - I wouldn't want to be one either.
Your dh needs to put his children first and you should split up - it all sounds very toxic.

@ZeroFuchsGiven
it was a disater from the start!

Mmmm, well I was thinking much the same until she said they worked together in the past. At that point, I saw a tiny chink of light. Common backgrounds can be significant. The DP also has a vast amount to lose. Not sure if he realises it yet. Separate counselling then joint counselling, maybe. And some specialist advice on running a relationship while closely co-parenting with the ex.

Thanks for all your input I am really taking it all on board..it truly is at crisis point at the moment he is still living here and we are interacting but it doesn’t feel the same and I’m not sure how comfortable it would be to suddenly have his kids back as it was..plus I’m pretty sure their opinion of me will have been shaped now 😞😞It is upsetting as we had lots in common, Same line of work which is quite niche, Same tastes in music/film/walks/art etc even the same dark sense of humour. I have struggled with feeling second best to what has come before me. Maybe I feel that my value isn’t as much as his ex wife because she had three kids with him even though I know it was not a good relationship and functioned just for the kids for at least the last five years of it. I’ve struggled with the jealousy of that for a long time.

Do other stepmums have those feelings of jealousy towards the ex wife? I am very aware this makes me sound quite juvenile and petty and as a woman and a mum in my 40s I do feel it’s pretty pathetic believe me!

@Inamess2022 Whatever you decide, you cannot go back suddenly to what you had before. You cannot go back to what you had before. If you are going to continue together, you need a brand new deal, and one that is much fairer and kinder to you. Your DP has to understand the huge and unrealistic asks he has made of you and step back from those to something much more manageable. This may be a situation where you get a mediator in to mediate the terms for staying together instead of a mediator who negotiates a fair divorce.

DP has to take the lead with his children, and maybe you all meet up for a pizza in town once a week to start with? (If you want to dip your toe back in). Any reblending should be done at glacial pace. Don't worry too much about their opinion of you. Your DP was shouting, you couldn't take it and it was all too much. You are allowed to be a frail human being, so don't get paralyzed by shame - dump that. The teenagers will be shouting and flouncing and slamming doors soon enough, and adults are not completely immune! Step-parenting can be fraught and sometimes ugly, and still come through to more sunlit uplands

I think to be honest it’s a done deal that we are separating now. Too much has been said and done, I want to live my life a certain way, he wants his his way and we just can’t seem to meet in the middle. It’s very sad as I know he won’t stay in touch with my son so there is a lot of associated guilt that I feel about that as well. Depressing all round 😞