I know I should leave but it’s hard

[Inamess2022]

Hi. Would really value opinions and not judgements but by putting myself out here I understand I will get both..for the last six years I have been in a relationship with an older man with three children, I have one son. It has always been tricky navigating blending families and there have been many parts of it that I have found complex and emotionally very hard. I have a more detached relationship from my ex husband so we will communicate via text etc , he generally does pick ups from school and things but it works well for my son and they have a great relationship. My partner on the other hand is a real proponent of coparenting and will still go into his old marital home to see kids when he needs ro thinks his way is the best way etc etc. Doesn’t understand when I objected to his daughter staying extra nights with not much notice, has accused me of being “socially awkward” around his kids, to be honest I’ve felt very overwhelmed when all four have been here at once. Anyway to cut a long story short there have been some horrible volatile rows resulting in a particularly nasty one where my partner was shouting in front of his son who then was crying etc, it was awful, I then asked his son and him to leave the house and for his son to go back to his mothers just because the atmosphere was so uncomfortable. Since then his kids haven’t been here for four months, well I have seen his son once but that’s it. His older teenage daughters haven’t been. This is many ways has caused me lots of relief..to cut a long story short I know deep down what needs to happen but I am scared. Scared of being alone again with my son. Worried I’ve met him down 😞😞Just so confused and upset. My partners kids aren’t bad it’s just me I’ve found step parenting more complex and difficult than I could have ever imagined 😞

There is loads more i could say as well, some of the horrible things that have been said that I can’t get out of my head. In the end the strong bit of me thinks I’m only 42 I could do so much better than the stress and anxiety of this set up. Life with my son and I could be really good and relaxed and lovely again.

I just feel broken to be honest with you and a happy relationship seems to allude me have spent most of the afternoon so far in tears

Hmmm, have you had the separation conversation yet? If not, I would suggest looking at Non-Violent Communication as a couple - a very powerful tool to reach better solutions.

Some women don’t feel the need to meet anyone else. Don’t assume she hasn’t moved on because age hasn’t met anyone else.

She’s probably looked at what the children have been through so far and decided they don’t need anymore drama.

Hi OP.

I understand. I have felt similarly to you in the past. It's a huge adjustment going from 1 kid to 4, especially when the latter three aren't your own and you have very little say in anything to do with them.

He is simply protecting his kids (by keeping them away) that to me is a good father.

I disagree, from a place of experience.

Last year I had a row with then-DP infront of his DC (and my own) as he brought them round my flat with covid after being told they had to isolate. I had a tiny, jaundice newborn at the time and was recovering from a C section.

I was very upset with him.

Much like with the OP, he stopped bringing his kids into the flat for a few months despite my attempts of trying to remedy the situation. He wasn't doing that out of 'being a good dad' he clearly enjoyed having a stick to beat me with, so to speak. It suited him to paint me as the villain and have people (his kids, their mum) view me in a negative light. He was prepared to inconvenience himself and his kids so long as he got to play the victim. At no point did I ban them from coming btw, merely made it clear to him that I was very upset with him

I would cut your losses and get shot of the lot of them OP. Life is much simpler when you don't have to consider other people's kids and their cosy relationships with exes.

Sounds like you got into a relationship very quickly after the end of your last one (if he's known your son since he was one). Not a healthy start and maybe your rushed in without thinking everything through.
What your DS needs is stability. If you leave this relationship - which seems sensible - you really need take a break from dating anyone serious or intruducing anyone into the home for a LONG time.
What about your partner? How does he feel? Has he discussed why the kids aren't coming round? Surely if he feels the need to keep them away he's not happy either?

Well it’s getting even worse now, he is threatening to clear my house out and that I have apparently been “gas lighting” him and his children. He’s also threatening to not pay his way towards bills. Wonderful dad hey

And yes the poster who said he is using the kids not coming as a stick to beat me with is completely right

He even asked whether I could leave my own house this weekend so he could have his kids here 😞😞I think sadly I’m in for a battle here, it’s not working but he won’t leave easily 😞😞

'Clear my house out'. Does that mean that when he moved in, he pressurized you to get rid of your furniture to move his in? And would need it all back if you split?

'Gaslighting him'. Hmmm. You don't sound at all like a gaslighter from what you post here. I might counter this with 'I understand you are worried about the future, but right now you are channelling Trump - bigtime. This is not helpful and won't solve our problems. What expectations did you have of me when you moved in, and what did you not get that you wanted? On reflection, do you still think your original expectations were in any way reasonable? If we all take a hard look at our original expectations and modify them to be more modest/sensible, can we get through this and out the other side?'

I suspect he is petrified about the financial implications of splitting up and trying to house his kids in the upcoming economic climate. (Is his job under threat?) Not sure what the deal is with his ex, but she may be limiting contact if he can't provide adequate bedrooms. Also suspect he is being squeezed on all sides and losing his pips in the process. That doesn't make it at all pleasant for you though, but it might help you to not feel at fault if you knew who was squeezing him how exactly.

He is now turning very nasty. My son and I are spending some time away from the house at my parents whilst he hopefully makes plans to leave

Op you simply ring the police.
Say you feel threatened and want him to leave today.

Do not leave him alone in your home for goodness sake!

I definitely had those feelings - like she got the legitimacy of being the mother of his DCs and being proposed to (they never got married but were engaged for a few years - think now that he probably held it over her to make her behave the way he wanted her to in order to ‘earn’ marriage to him).

I told him at one point that even if we never got married, or if it might be many years in the future, I needed him to love me enough to at least ask. So that it appeared to the outside world that he loved me as much as his ex. (9 years we were together and split up shortly after this conversation!)

It is hurtful when there is such a physical and permanent reminder of his previous relationship right in front of your face every day.

Even more so when you see there are still links there such as furniture and decor in the home they used to share, in his case photos of them all on the walls, pics in every drawer or cupboard I opened, (including in the bedside table a photo of him with hand on her boob 🙄 and a load of knickers!) She would also just walk in without knocking like she still lived there and would stay there when he was at mine.

I felt very uncomfortable at his house. Then he wondered why our relationship was mainly conducted at my house to the exclusion of his kids and family etc. But he already had a whole life over there which she was very much still part of.

Urgh sorry to hear that. Yes stay out of his way and if he kicks off with you around then call police.

On my way to my parents now things have sadly escalated to a bad level. He has said some terrible things to me. And made various threats as well about my tenancy etc

I hope you have contacted the police.

He sounds awful.

Arguing in front of his child.

Using them to punish you.

Awful behaviour.

Stay safe.

A positive update. He is packing up and. leaving for good by next week so my house will be my own again living in peace with my son and I. I don’t feel scared anymore just a massive sense of relief. Although there will be ups and downs and worry about finances I know life will get better slowly. This is after some absolutely vile emails to my parents, some texts that have verged from psychotic to unhinged. The person I thought I knew does not exist anymore. I have ultimate respect for step parents but it really wasn’t for me but maybe that’s because their dad is a toxic abusive excuse of a man!

I hope your home is safe from being trashed op..

Well he has been alternating between sane to unhinged and he is fully aware that I will contact the police if necessary: can’t quite believe it has come to this. No way back ever from this and I wouldn’t want there to be either

Keep all those emails and texts.

Indeed be ready to involve the police.

Those emails will be very helpful if you do.

Bit of a shambolic end to my step parenting “experience” but for the best. Feel shell shocked to be honest. Blinkers are coming off about how much I’ve been blamed for etc

Well done for getting rid.

I hope things settle down for you soon.

I think to be honest I will avoid men with children like the plague in the far far away future..especially those that are so entrenched in their past life and treat me and my son as some sort of weird add on accessory that will always be second best. I feel very stupid and foolish 😞