DP thinks I’m picking on DSD

[Wheresmymoneytree]

DP thinks I’m being harsh and picking on DSD which is upsetting both her and him. I think I’m being reasonable.

We have a no food upstairs rule, I went in her room this morning to open the window because it didn’t smell great, there were two plates of mouldy food. I told her they needed to be washed by her and her room tidied. DP moaned that she was just being a kid and did it for her while complaining he was in a rush and this was making him late.

Later she was putting on suncream to go in the garden. It was a spray on cream she she sat doing it on the sofa and was spraying it all over the sofa and the carpet. I asked her to move to the kitchen and do it so nothing got ruined, she replied I’m nearly done so don’t worry. I said no you need to stop and clear up the mess and finish in the kitchen. If she listened I would have been happy to clean it but because she ignored me i felt she needed to help. DP said it wasn’t fair to make her clean it so I insisted he did it immediately then.

She also has a sickness bug, I bought some fizzy pop for us to have with lunch, this is a rare treat in our house. She opened the new bottle and took a drink out of it even though I had passed her a glass. I told her this was unhygienic and rude as she had a sickness bug nobody else would be able to drink it now. She stormed off upstairs and is sulking in her room.

DP is now moaning that I’m picking on her and spoiling the atmosphere, I think I’m being reasonable and him undermining me is causing the tension.

Parenting the 12yr old is for her parents, opt out of that. How come you moved in a 2yr old child of your boyfriend into your house? Had the boyfriend been long out of his previous broken relationship? Whose is the 9yr old?

sounds tedious as fuck as a blissfully childfree woman, but hope the boyfriend is worth all this drudgery.

Ah interesting spot @Spohn

So you’ve lived with your DP and 12yo DSD for 10 years but you also have a 9yo DSD who has the same mother as the 12yo.

Did you DP have a one-night stand with his ex whilst living with you that resulted in DS2, but you forgave him and continued to live with him and welcomed DS2 into your life and home?

I can't understand some replies, I'm not in any way high standards of cleanliness.

1. food until the room smells is disgusting and in direct disobedience of an agreed rule?m, who did your DP think should clean it up?! As you're last on the list

2. suncream on the sofa and carpet is needlessly destructive, again why should you clean it?!

3. anyone drinking from a large share bottle is gross, unless it's only theirs (even if my DH did it and we would share glasses/cans/smaller bottles). Especially with a bug.

I don't see how you could be wrong for any of these points. And your DP should be off getting you a new bottle for yourself. I'd even be tempted to just pour the old one away so there was no "reward" for it. But that may be too far for some.

Glad you have a good relationship with your SD but these are all things I would pull my kids up for and I can't see how you are unreasonable in the slightest.

I get really irritated when I ask my son to do something and he says “I’m almost done” or whatever, plus we don’t allow food upstairs either, so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

However it’s all in the tone, plus is everything you say to her is critical, it will sound like you’re picking on her even if the criticisms are reasonable.

So for me it would depend.

I don’t understand who the parents of the 9 year old are in this tale.

Oh dear. Maybe it wouldn’t seem like you were picking on her if he shared responsibility in parenting & discipline. It must be exhausting for you to be the one to do it.

I think you should both sit down together and make a very clear plan about what the rules in the house are & the consequences for poor choices. Then you both need to stick to it - obviously you can agree to change some things but only after careful review together.
Alongside discipline it might be good to arrange regular time for just you and your daughter to help that relationship and respect build.

Doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, glad it’s resolved now

Woops! I changed a couple of things date wise so it wasn’t outting and that was one of them. The examples are correct though and the child that I’ve spoken about has the right details.

She was the one that found the chewing gum as we were packing and was obviously upset because she didn’t realise the damage it would do. The face she could see the damage it had done and was upset meant she didn’t need telling off in my eyes because she had already learnt from her mistake.

Yanbu. At all.

Your dh is a crappy parent and a crappy partner, if he thinks it too hard on her to enforce basic house rules (no food upstairs) and respect for belongings (don't spray on sunscreen on soft furnishings). Dh's choices show a lack of care for his dd, and a lack of respect for you.

He needs to buck his ideas up and start parenting his child.

Well done for standing up for yourself OP. Continue to stand firm. 🍷