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Original poster

DP thinks I’m picking on DSD

86 replies

Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 12:54

DP thinks I’m being harsh and picking on DSD which is upsetting both her and him. I think I’m being reasonable.

We have a no food upstairs rule, I went in her room this morning to open the window because it didn’t smell great, there were two plates of mouldy food. I told her they needed to be washed by her and her room tidied. DP moaned that she was just being a kid and did it for her while complaining he was in a rush and this was making him late.

Later she was putting on suncream to go in the garden. It was a spray on cream she she sat doing it on the sofa and was spraying it all over the sofa and the carpet. I asked her to move to the kitchen and do it so nothing got ruined, she replied I’m nearly done so don’t worry. I said no you need to stop and clear up the mess and finish in the kitchen. If she listened I would have been happy to clean it but because she ignored me i felt she needed to help. DP said it wasn’t fair to make her clean it so I insisted he did it immediately then.

She also has a sickness bug, I bought some fizzy pop for us to have with lunch, this is a rare treat in our house. She opened the new bottle and took a drink out of it even though I had passed her a glass. I told her this was unhygienic and rude as she had a sickness bug nobody else would be able to drink it now. She stormed off upstairs and is sulking in her room.

DP is now moaning that I’m picking on her and spoiling the atmosphere, I think I’m being reasonable and him undermining me is causing the tension.

OP posts:
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saraclara · 12/08/2022 17:14

If she's lived with you for ten years and you asking her to conform to your house rules has only just become an issue for your DH, what's changed?

Original poster
Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 17:15

DuchessDarty · 12/08/2022 17:06

OP don't overreact. You had ONE poster who agreed with you on disciplining WRT to one issue but not on others. They weren't saying you were outright wrong. Others of us have said that maybe it was your tone, because you are saying that your DP was mad at you and we are trying to work out why since we agree we'd have told our own kids and DSC off about those things.

Maybe the reason why you think you have a better relationship with your DSD than her parents is because you haven't told her off much at all if any in the last 5 years. Maybe that's why your DP is now accusing you of picking on her, because there were 3 incidents in the last day or so and it was unusual for you.

Just because your DSD reeled off reasons why she wanted to live with you doesn't mean you necessarily have a better relationship with her than her DSD of course. At times I've certainly got on better with my DSD than her dad (my husband), but that doesn't mean that I have a deeper or 'better' relationship overall even though my DSD and I love each other very much. It's easy to get on with kids better sometimes when you're not the one ultimately responsible for them.

DP doesn’t tell her off either, she doesn’t usually do anything wrong.

I’ve spoken to DP and he said he didn’t see anything wrong with the sofa incident because we are getting a new one, with the drink he was just glad she was drinking because he was worried about how sick she had been this morning and with it being hot but he agrees now that I was right and he is going to reinforce the no eating upstairs rule because it’s the same for all of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 17:17

saraclara · 12/08/2022 17:14

If she's lived with you for ten years and you asking her to conform to your house rules has only just become an issue for your DH, what's changed?

We’ve never really had to tell her off for anything, I know that probably seems ridiculous but she is a really nice kid. She’s got a good sense of humour so in the past we’ve maybe used a bit or sarcasm with her “oh I’m really glad you’ve had a shower with the curtain open, I’ve always wanted to swim to the toilet” and she would laugh it off but then not do it again kind of thing!

OP posts:
35965a · 12/08/2022 17:19

It sounds like your DH is very lazy in his parenting so your picking up the slack and therefore it seems like you’re being a bit picky. You’re not in the wrong though. If he was doing more and backing you up you wouldn’t have to tell her off for things. I’m not a stepmum but the examples you give are all things I’d correct my dc for so I don’t think you’re being harsh or anything.

saraclara · 12/08/2022 17:21

I'm glad DH has come round and things have been resolved. Seems like this was a one-off bit of sensitivity on his part then.

DuchessDarty · 12/08/2022 17:35

That’s great you’ve sorted it.

She must be very well behaved if neither of you have really had to tell her off. Did you not tell her off for the chewing gum under her bed?

Bluub · 12/08/2022 17:39

Nope he's being a shockingly poor parent.

Re: the room. I'd just leave it it's her room. Don't go in there. When it starts to stink then DH has to sort it.

Helpel · 12/08/2022 17:46

Not picking on her at all. Sometimes it's so obvious step mums (of which I am one) treat their step kids differently to biological children but in this case it's exactly how you might try and control/discipline your own child. Just today I insisted my 7 year old (biological child) had milk and a biscuit on her bean bag instead of our suede sofa and then very shortly after grabbed the sun cream off her after she was making a mess with it (despite her moans to do it herself). So similar themes and same motherly ear clippings. It's just a shame your husband doesn't feel the need to parent her to the same level.

kimchifox · 12/08/2022 17:51

With DSC I sometimes think about how I would approach it with a friend of DCs - I would probably use a lighter / jokier tone than with my own DC, I would only pick up on things that were truly unacceptable. That's how I used to raise things with DSC. Either that or tell their DF "please ask DSC to stop spraying sun lotion in the lounge, it's ruining the furniture". You cannot win as a step parent.

aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2022 18:25

All of these things were totally reasonable things to say to her. If your DH has an issue with you raising things that are perfectly normal for parents to raise then he should accept you disengaging from the situation, because he's very unreasonable to pick at you for this.

Sux2buthen · 12/08/2022 18:32

@AnneLovesGilbert well she's a girl for a start.
Also seems like it's their family home so nobody would be 'out the door'
Grinthe people on here sometimes overreacting do give me a giggle

Glad it's sorted out OP

Original poster
Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 18:58

Sux2buthen · 12/08/2022 18:32

@AnneLovesGilbert well she's a girl for a start.
Also seems like it's their family home so nobody would be 'out the door'
Grinthe people on here sometimes overreacting do give me a giggle

Glad it's sorted out OP

I think they were discussing a PPs example rather than mine where they had misogynistic views!

OP posts:
bighats · 12/08/2022 19:16

You're not wrong and sounds like DP need to step up massively, but 12 year olds are thoughtless. Try and find things to praise in between the nagging and find some things to let go.

I'd have done the same with the room,
But the sunblock I'd have let slide as she was nearly done and you have to lick your battles.

I'd think about how you phrase things and what you want. YANBU but I'd mind how you tell her stuff, (say stating things more descriptively rather than, you haven't/ have etc) and definitely pick your battles.

Itsgettinghotinhre · 12/08/2022 19:29

Long term though what are you going to do OP? You obviously have different parenting styles and it's not working.

Original poster
Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 19:42

bighats · 12/08/2022 19:16

You're not wrong and sounds like DP need to step up massively, but 12 year olds are thoughtless. Try and find things to praise in between the nagging and find some things to let go.

I'd have done the same with the room,
But the sunblock I'd have let slide as she was nearly done and you have to lick your battles.

I'd think about how you phrase things and what you want. YANBU but I'd mind how you tell her stuff, (say stating things more descriptively rather than, you haven't/ have etc) and definitely pick your battles.

She wasn’t nearly done. She had only just started, I did say this in a previous post I think. I also praise her constantly.

Would you genuinely sit back and allow someone to spray suncream over your sofa and carpet without saying something.

To add context, I have bought a 3 bedroom house using just my money (inheritance as a deposit) as DP can’t get a mortgage. If I was alone I would have bought a two bed max and had a lodger for the second bedroom, or just me and DP I would have again bought a smaller, cheaper house. It also cost more to be near their schools so that their friends are local, I commute 35 miles and could have bought cheaper nearer work. As it is just in my name I pay the full mortgage each month to avoid complicating things while DP pays 3/4 of all bills. I have also used the rest of the inheritance money to furnish the house including the carpets she was spraying on, they’ve been down less than 3 weeks, I’ve also spent the school holidays (I’m off work as I’m a teacher) decorating both DSD bedrooms, I’ve not touched my own and haven’t bought myself a bed yet. The idea that someone would sit back and watch these be ruined when I have tried so hard to make us a nice home baffles me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 19:43

Itsgettinghotinhre · 12/08/2022 19:29

Long term though what are you going to do OP? You obviously have different parenting styles and it's not working.

Is disagreeing about something once in 10 years and then resolving it within a couple of hours a sign of things not working?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 12/08/2022 19:45

The idea that someone would sit back and watch these be ruined when I have tried so hard to make us a nice home baffles me.

It's ridiculous. You should be able to just raise these sorts of things with your kids when they happen, not sit there and let them create more and more of a mess so they don't feel "got at" because they are just at a careless age. If they're being careless just tell them to be careful FGS.

lookluv · 12/08/2022 20:00

She is 12 yrs old and sick.

Anything you said was going to be an issue if she is not feeling great. None of the issues were inappropriate but more likely all together in one day, when not feeling completely well was a step too far.

MeridianB · 12/08/2022 20:28

Nothing you asked of her was unreasonable, OP.

Her father needs to set higher standards for your home but as he hasn’t bothered, that doesn’t mean you have to sit back and let things get ruined.

And @LorW what happened after DSS told you ‘women should do the clearing up’?

YellowPlumbob · 12/08/2022 20:38

I’m part of a big step family (but am no longer a step parent myself, thank fuck).

My DDs are 14, 11 and 6. We have a no food upstairs rule (basic, surely?), suncream is done in the bathroom, downstairs toilet or utility room (tiled and easy to clean any mess from), and drinking from a bottle that’s meant to be shared is grim.

I have very few rules and the ones I do have are to make my life easier as me and my eldest two all have ADHD, so it’s better to just avoid the mess being made in the first place!

Midlifemusings · 12/08/2022 20:54

If truly you have had no issues before, I am not sure why this is such a big deal this one time when she is sick. You write as though she is just a very difficult child to be around and you are constantly today needing to give it to her, but then later say the last time you had to reprimand her was when she was 7. It doesn't really add up.

YellowPlumbob · 12/08/2022 20:55

Because the OP has just spent an eye watering sum on a house and carpets/furniture?! That’s why it’s such a big deal

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 12/08/2022 21:15

Midlifemusings · 12/08/2022 20:54

If truly you have had no issues before, I am not sure why this is such a big deal this one time when she is sick. You write as though she is just a very difficult child to be around and you are constantly today needing to give it to her, but then later say the last time you had to reprimand her was when she was 7. It doesn't really add up.

It's her DH turning it into a big deal by moaning that OP's picking on the DD.

bighats · 12/08/2022 21:31

Okay I seem to have hit a nerve. I just meant people largely don't respond well to nagging. You can make the same requests of people to fix their mistakes, but frame them differently at least some of time. She's 12, there's going to be some nag heavy years ahead however you handle it.

It's just something I do at work, so say the plates. Instead of saying "you've taken food up and left plates to go mouldy" say "There are mouldy plates upstairs" give her the opportunity to make amends without locking horns.

Re sofa, all I's garnered was,you'd already bought a replacement and she's said she was nearly done with the sunblock. Not that it was brand new in a new house built upon numerous personal sacrifices. Which is very thoughtful of you, but I'd say keep bringing it up (even in your mind), in a my house my rules way isn't healthy. You're a family and it's a home. You're obviously entitled to your rules and respect. They're all eminently reasonable.

I still YANBU, but you and dp need to be a united front.

DuchessDarty · 12/08/2022 22:01

Midlifemusings · 12/08/2022 20:54

If truly you have had no issues before, I am not sure why this is such a big deal this one time when she is sick. You write as though she is just a very difficult child to be around and you are constantly today needing to give it to her, but then later say the last time you had to reprimand her was when she was 7. It doesn't really add up.

I’m surprised anyone can go 5 years without telling off a child they live with, or the father not really ever having to tell his 12yo off, but presumably this isn’t quite true. The OP said when they moved recently they found the carpet under the 12yo’s bed covered in chewing gum and they had to replace it for the buyers. I imagine she got a telling off for that, no?