DP thinks I’m picking on DSD

[Wheresmymoneytree]

DP thinks I’m being harsh and picking on DSD which is upsetting both her and him. I think I’m being reasonable.

We have a no food upstairs rule, I went in her room this morning to open the window because it didn’t smell great, there were two plates of mouldy food. I told her they needed to be washed by her and her room tidied. DP moaned that she was just being a kid and did it for her while complaining he was in a rush and this was making him late.

Later she was putting on suncream to go in the garden. It was a spray on cream she she sat doing it on the sofa and was spraying it all over the sofa and the carpet. I asked her to move to the kitchen and do it so nothing got ruined, she replied I’m nearly done so don’t worry. I said no you need to stop and clear up the mess and finish in the kitchen. If she listened I would have been happy to clean it but because she ignored me i felt she needed to help. DP said it wasn’t fair to make her clean it so I insisted he did it immediately then.

She also has a sickness bug, I bought some fizzy pop for us to have with lunch, this is a rare treat in our house. She opened the new bottle and took a drink out of it even though I had passed her a glass. I told her this was unhygienic and rude as she had a sickness bug nobody else would be able to drink it now. She stormed off upstairs and is sulking in her room.

DP is now moaning that I’m picking on her and spoiling the atmosphere, I think I’m being reasonable and him undermining me is causing the tension.

My DH says this with my 14yo SS, my SS literally makes a whirlwind of mess and expects me to clean it up for him (he even threw a cup half filled with juice in the sink once and it splashed everywhere, when I told him to clean it up he turned around and told me I was the woman so I should do it) it annoys me because it’s all preventable and I really don’t mind cleaning up every day mess that the children make but he just takes the piss, throwing rubbish on the floor and weeing everywhere in the bathroom and you have to tell him 500000000 times about the same thing. I just ignore my DH when he tells me I’m picking on him tbh, I treat him the same as all the rest, I like to think him turning into a decent adult will be worth the shit I get 😁

@Wheresmymoneytree you said you'd have been fine to clean it up if she'd have done as she was told so why not just let her finish rather than trying to asset your authority?

If it was for you and she had a bug why let her have it at all and not keep it somewhere safe?

Why not stop her from drinking it from the bottle before she managed it?

Not being intentionally difficult isn't having low standards.

OMG, I would not have that kid in my house again. What's with these kids who think that adults are there to clean up for them?

OP you are not being unreasonable at all.

It’s the OP’s sofa. She’s allowed to assert her authority over a child rather than having to let her finish what she’s doing. It’s fine to tell a child not to sit on your sofa and put sun cream on.

The OP said that she’d have cleaned it up if the SD had stopped and gone and done it elsewhere. But she didn’t. So she told her to clean the sofa. That’s a reasonable response to her defiance of the original instruction.

For some stuff is not ok and others less so.

The drinking from the bottle when you have been ill is just gross. I can’t see how anyone could think it’s an ok thing to do to spread your germs with every one tbh. Esp a sickness bug.

The sofa, I think you both have a point.

The bedroom, I have taken the same attitude as your DH.

So my question is: do You have other children in the house and what do you expect from them?

First and foremost, you need to have the same rules for everyone. No point saying no food upstairs if one can do what they want.
Second, I’d be tempted to let your DH parent his dd whilst holding your boundaries (which you are good at!). Let him clean the sofa (old and new), plates etc.. State you don’t want pop as you don’t want to. get ill. Let him get on with things if he does.

Which then brings me to the next question. Is he unhappy that you are picking up on her whilst still expecting you to look after her when he is at work by any chance?

Btw the answers on this thread are showing that everyone has different standards and would react differently.

I don’t think there is really some right or wrong. The issue here is how is @Wheresmymoneytree and her DH handling the situation.

Its their house for both of them so they both have a say on what’s is acceptable or not in the house.
Where I believe there is an issue is the DH expecting the OP to accept his standards because ‘that’s how he wants to parent his dd’ Wo taking into account the l’impact it has on the OP.

Tbh the DH reaction makes me think he is a bit of Disney dad who doesn’t want to upset his dd regardless of the issue. And the dd knows it (and is acting as a brat).

Im wondering what the mum would think about those situations. If she expecting her dd to help around the house, I somehow doubt she would be happy with the mouldy plates in the bedroom of the suncream on the sofa….

It may really not be an issue of standards though but the tone the OP used and the balance of criticism v positive comments. @Midlifemusings 's post about that is very good.

Replying "each to their own low standards" to a PP's post was a bit harsh IMO.

You might want to consider OP whether your way of speaking to your DSD was too abrasive. It's easily done about things like this but it's not always effective.

All those things would have got my goat too. I'd have immediately emptied the drinks bottle down the sink and thrown it out. She wouldn't get to 'mark' the bottle as only hers to drink and then enjoy the rest of it! With or without the stomach bug, yeeeeuuuuuuuk.

@HandbagsnGladrags presume you're joking but that kid loves there too

Am not bloody joking. Any stepkid of mine spoke to me like that and their parent didn't pull them up on it, they'd both be out the door.

I stopped her immediately, she had sprayed one arm so far. I’m not going to sit and let someone destroy furniture when I could stop it. Initially it was a small amount, the more she did the more mess there was. I wasn’t trying to assert my authority, I do have authority over my belongings and if they get ruined or not. It was also going on the carpet, we can’t afford a new carpet if this one gets ruined, why would I willingly allow it to be spoilt by just sitting and watching.

I have lived with her for 10 years, in those 10 years as far as I know she has never had a drink straight from the bottle, although we don’t usually have big shared bottles in. I had already passed her a glass which she took from my hand so wasn’t expecting her to drink from the bottle.

In both cases above I was polite with her and said please etc, when she argued back I was firmer with my response.

Someone mentioned agreeing with DP about her room, it impacts the rest of us because I could smell it from the landing. I’ve not been in her room for a couple of weeks but then smell got my attention. The rule is agreed by all and is in place because at the last house (moved recently) when we packed up her room we ended up replacing the carpet for the buyers because there was chewing gum all over the carpet under her bed.

If these are the only conversations you have, then I imagine she may well feel a bit for at, if it’s an occasional request amongst nice and fun chat then should be ok.
my kids were always getting stuff on the sofa. I drink from the bottle sometimes (not wine or spirits). She is nearly a teen and it’s their job to be messy and thoughtless 😊.

Got at!

Their parent would be out of my door too. Kids don’t become sexist arseholes in a vacuum. That’s a teenage boy learning how to speak to women from their father.

But they aren’t the only conversations we have and I’ve never said that they are. We have a really good relationship, she didn’t actually seem that phased about me pulling her up for things until DP got involved and then she looked upset.

As adults it is our job to teach kids and correct what they are doing. Since this morning her sister (9) has joked about how her Mum would have had her living in the garden by now if she had done what she does here at her house.

Yeah your responses are proving that what you say goes and you'll say what you want how you want to who you want because 'my house my rules'.

I think you need to relax a little bit.

If you can't communicate effectively with her maybe tell him the issues as they arise and let him decide what needs to be dealt with and how.

Why can’t I communicate effectively with her? You seem to have assumed some sort of tone in how I have spoken to her?

I actually have a better relationship with her than both of her parents, we once joked about me and her dad splitting up because of his smelly feet and she straight away said she was living with me instead of her Mum or Dad and reeled off a selection of reasons why.

Do you have a stepchild? Or your own child? Can you honestly say you would sit and let them ruin something without asking them to stop? And if you did ask them but they carried on you would leave them to it?

Why can’t I communicate effectively with her? You seem to have assumed some sort of tone in how I have spoken to her?

I'm assuming you communicate in real life the same way you're communicating here and you're getting no positive responses from her or her dad.

I have children and they do as they're told generally. Your SD is at the age that she's going to push boundaries but you need to work with her - not just tell her off about everything.

OP because she is a step-child anything you say on here some people will think you are wrong.

They are ignoring the fact you have come on here to rant to show off the worst of your SD behaviour.

Yeah, you're supposed to treat her like she's your own daughter, but you're not allowed to discipline her because you're not her parent. She's allowed to trample all over family boundaries because poor child. Them da rules of Step.

Meanwhile, in the real world, leaving food to rot, especially in this weather, is disgusting and a hazard. Drinking out of a family bottle of fizz is terrible manners and even more selfish if you're infectious. And spraying lotion over the furniture is not on.

I'd bollock my biological dc for all of these things. I'd go fucking ballistic about the sofa. YANBU.

He is a problem. Can you get him to back you and stop coddling her? He's doing her no favours.

I was starting to think the world had gone mad! I can’t even think of when I’ve needed to tell her off last before today so it’s not like it’s a constant thing, maybe when she was 7 and she drew on my brand new dressing table with sharpie! I bet PP will think I was suppressing her because she was developing her creative side.

When we were sat in the garden we were joking saying maybe we should test how far she can go before he stops her. She’s thought of a range of ideas to test over the next few days, the first one being pouring herself a glass of wine to have with tea tonight

Your Dh is teaching her to be disrespectful We have no food upstairs rule too, Dd has flaunted it and Dh and I agree on the rule, so we tell her off and make her clean up.
At 12 she should be able to follow pretty simple rules, she doesn't because she knows her dad will side with her.

OP don't overreact. You had ONE poster who agreed with you on disciplining WRT to one issue but not on others. They weren't saying you were outright wrong. Others of us have said that maybe it was your tone, because you are saying that your DP was mad at you and we are trying to work out why since we agree we'd have told our own kids and DSC off about those things.

Maybe the reason why you think you have a better relationship with your DSD than her parents is because you haven't told her off much at all if any in the last 5 years. Maybe that's why your DP is now accusing you of picking on her, because there were 3 incidents in the last day or so and it was unusual for you.

Just because your DSD reeled off reasons why she wanted to live with you doesn't mean you necessarily have a better relationship with her than her DSD of course. At times I've certainly got on better with my DSD than her dad (my husband), but that doesn't mean that I have a deeper or 'better' relationship overall even though my DSD and I love each other very much. It's easy to get on with kids better sometimes when you're not the one ultimately responsible for them.