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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP thinks I’m picking on DSD

86 replies

Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 12:54

DP thinks I’m being harsh and picking on DSD which is upsetting both her and him. I think I’m being reasonable.

We have a no food upstairs rule, I went in her room this morning to open the window because it didn’t smell great, there were two plates of mouldy food. I told her they needed to be washed by her and her room tidied. DP moaned that she was just being a kid and did it for her while complaining he was in a rush and this was making him late.

Later she was putting on suncream to go in the garden. It was a spray on cream she she sat doing it on the sofa and was spraying it all over the sofa and the carpet. I asked her to move to the kitchen and do it so nothing got ruined, she replied I’m nearly done so don’t worry. I said no you need to stop and clear up the mess and finish in the kitchen. If she listened I would have been happy to clean it but because she ignored me i felt she needed to help. DP said it wasn’t fair to make her clean it so I insisted he did it immediately then.

She also has a sickness bug, I bought some fizzy pop for us to have with lunch, this is a rare treat in our house. She opened the new bottle and took a drink out of it even though I had passed her a glass. I told her this was unhygienic and rude as she had a sickness bug nobody else would be able to drink it now. She stormed off upstairs and is sulking in her room.

DP is now moaning that I’m picking on her and spoiling the atmosphere, I think I’m being reasonable and him undermining me is causing the tension.

OP posts:

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Discovereads · 12/08/2022 13:03

Ouch, sounds like a rough morning. Are many days like this? If so your DH may have a point. If this is a rare thing, then YANBU.

How old is DSD?

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 12/08/2022 13:06

He’s being a twat and needs to start parenting his DD. Urgh what is it with these men, their precious kids can do no wrong. It’s one reason I’m glad I’m not with my XP anymore tbh, his DD were just like this, dropping/spilling stuff everywhere and he’d just watch and expect me to pick up after them. Lazy shits.

Bonheurdupasse · 12/08/2022 13:09

Well done for standing up for yourself - otherwise you'll forever be their skivyy.

SudocremOnEverything · 12/08/2022 13:16

It sounds to me that he’s 1. Annoyed that he’s having to clean things etc, and 2. Encouraging his DD by shielding her from pretty standard consequences (clean up your own mess type of thing).

Yousee · 12/08/2022 13:24

You wouldn't have to pick up any of this if he was doing his job properly. Don't see why you should quietly clean up after her or anyone else to be honest.

Discovereads · 12/08/2022 13:26

How old is DSD? Because if this is an under 10 child, I’d have a different response than a teenager.

BadNomad · 12/08/2022 13:27

If he'd going to be like that then make it only his responsibility to sort. He'll either have to make her do it or he'll have to do it. He'll get tired of that fast.

Greensleeves · 12/08/2022 13:28

These are all things I'd pick my own teenager up on tbh, and if her father was doing his job you wouldn't have to.

How old is she? I might have cut her a bit of slack over the drink if she's really feeling rotten with the bug.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2022 13:30

Yousee · 12/08/2022 13:24

You wouldn't have to pick up any of this if he was doing his job properly. Don't see why you should quietly clean up after her or anyone else to be honest.

Completely agree. Why doesn’t he care that she’s living in filth or ruining your furniture? He’s the bloody problem. The thought of leftovers rotting in this weather in a bedroom makes me want to puke.

If he’s going to be a dick then you need to detach and start raising all issues with him, he’ll obviously be with her all the time to protect her and her feelings from your apparently high standards? Tell him to clean up her room - it’s your house too and basic standards of hygiene have to apply. Tell him to get her to apply sunscreen outside.

Hopefully he’ll get tired of doing stuff himself and start parenting his kid by teaching her basic life lessons.

I feel for you.

Original poster

Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 13:35

We have ordered a new sofa so his standards have dropped recently because we are replacing it anyway, but I think if we lower our standards it will be more difficult to increase them again once it’s here. In terms of the bedroom he thinks because it’s her space it’s her that’s suffering with the mess.

I do general cleaning but refuse to do things that are on purpose or could have been prevented! She’s 12 years old, doesn’t do chores here but does them at her mums so more than capable.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 12/08/2022 13:36

It’s called patenting, he should give it a try

Hoppinggreen · 12/08/2022 13:36

Ffs Parenting

Discovereads · 12/08/2022 13:38

Thanks for saying DSD’s age. Yes, as she’s 12 I don’t think you were picking on her at all as these were all things she should know not to do by now- and I think she does because you’ve said she does chores at her mums so she’s not coming from a neglectful mum to stay with you and her dad.

lastminutedotcom22 · 12/08/2022 13:47

Bonheurdupasse · 12/08/2022 13:09

Well done for standing up for yourself - otherwise you'll forever be their skivyy.

Here here
She sounds a nightmare!!

Aus84 · 12/08/2022 13:48

These are all things I would pull my own kids up on. Food left out in a bedroom isn’t just her own problem

Eeiliethya · 12/08/2022 13:51

If my own DD was doing this I would be reacting the exact same way as you. I don't see this as picking on her, this just sounds like normal parenting.

For what it's worth, I'm 31 now and have had my step-mum since I was 6. She always treated me the same as her own kids (that includes me respecting her boundaries and home) and we have a lovely relationship. These days, when I need any decent life advice then I generally go to her before my father 😂.

saraclara · 12/08/2022 13:52

Perfectly reasonable to ask those things of her. But maybe it's about tone of voice/body language?
Rightly or wrongly, if you sounded ranty or angry he's likely to feel defensive.

Ididanamechange · 12/08/2022 13:54

Your DP is right in that this is normal teen/pre teen behaviour- your response to it is normal parenting behaviour! Of course she should be asked to move mouldy plates, not spray cream on a sofa and not drink from a bottle with a cold. If he can't be arsed being a parent I'd just carry on as you are but explain to her as well why you've said these things.

chocolateoranges33 · 12/08/2022 14:01

I would, and have, told my own DC the exact same things as in your examples so I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest. I suggest he parents his own daughter better and explain that the rules are normal for families and she needs to abide by them.

LearnedAxolotl · 12/08/2022 14:02

You're totally right. A 12yo should have more common sense than that.

GlitteryGreen · 12/08/2022 14:06

I don't get why he isn't bothered by these things either....does he want to catch her sickness bug?? Although tbh I think drinking out of a big communal bottle of coke - or whatever - is rank anyway, sickness bug or not! Put it in a glass unless you are finishing it off.

My DP would definitely pick my SCs up on every single one of these things.

DuchessDarty · 12/08/2022 14:13

saraclara · 12/08/2022 13:52

Perfectly reasonable to ask those things of her. But maybe it's about tone of voice/body language?
Rightly or wrongly, if you sounded ranty or angry he's likely to feel defensive.

Yes it's worth checking with him whether it's actually about your tone (even if its how he's perceiving your tone, and not your actual tone being a problem).

He should be addressing these issues with the 12yo himself. And expect you to do so if he doesn't.

On an irrelevant note, I haven't heard the term "fizzy pop" for years. Reminds me of Enid Blyton. Did your DSD have lashings of it?

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 14:16

I think the plates was a good lesson.

The rest of us does just sound like you're going on at her.

I don't understand why you bought fizzy pop for a kid with a sickness bug or told us it was a rare treat either.

Midlifemusings · 12/08/2022 14:19

These examples don't seem problematic but it depends on the tone, the dynamics and the context. If all you ever see is her doing things wrong and the relationship is one where these are the majority of the interactions, that is an issue. If they are balanced with lots of positives and praise and good times together, then not an issue.

Original poster

Wheresmymoneytree · 12/08/2022 14:36

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 14:16

I think the plates was a good lesson.

The rest of us does just sound like you're going on at her.

I don't understand why you bought fizzy pop for a kid with a sickness bug or told us it was a rare treat either.

Not wanting sun cream all over the sofa and carpet is going on at her? Her ignoring me asking her to go somewhere else so it doesn’t ruin furniture that costs money is going on?

I bought the fizzy pop before she started with the bug this morning, there is also more than her in the house so I didn’t buy it for her at all, it was me that fancied it. Even if she wasn’t ill I would find her drinking out of the bottle disgusting because I’m not a fan of families sharing saliva.

Each to their own low standards I suppose.

OP posts:

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