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Original poster

Husband arranging nights out during contact time

80 replies

stepmonster69 · 08/08/2022 16:53

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to other posts.

My DH has a son, 15, who spends 3 nights a week at our house. I have a 19yo who is away at uni a lot of the year. DH regularly agrees to go on nights out on the nights when his son is staying with us. He'll be out all evening, not getting back til late. He picks up SS and drops him at ours then goes out. I feel like he should try and be here most of the time when SS is here for contact but I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Whilst he doesn't require looking after as such, he requires feeding and entertaining which falls to me.

His counter argument to me is that I sometimes go out when my DD is with us. The difference is that a) this is her main residence when she's not at uni, and b) she's an adult.

What do think fellow stepmums?

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MakeadealwithGod · 08/08/2022 16:55

Out of order. What does his son think?

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2022 16:57

YANBU, he shouldn't be doing this.

Fahdidahlia · 08/08/2022 16:57

"Sorry I have plans tonight. You'll need to cook for DSC". "Sorry that doesn't work for me". On repeat. You're being taken advantage of. It shouldn't be expected or demanded of you!

PersonaNonGarter · 08/08/2022 16:57

completely out of order - who are you, the fucking cook? - absolutely no way.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 16:58

Your husband is taking the absolute piss and I wouldn't stand for it. What a shit father.

HeadAboveTheParapet · 08/08/2022 16:58

That poor child.
His dad is not prioritising him at all.
YANBU

I'd kick off

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2022 16:58

Not okay. What happens when you tell him that?

Original poster
stepmonster69 · 08/08/2022 17:00

I sometimes cook for all three of us, and he sometimes cooks for all of us. If I was planning on cooking that night then I will do it anyway. If I wasn't I tell him he needs to sort something out. And he will. But then I feel like I can't just have a chill-out evening watching TV or whatever as SS will want to sit with me and talk over whatever I'm watching.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2022 17:01

I'd ask him directly why he doesn't want to see his son.

Original poster
stepmonster69 · 08/08/2022 17:02

The way he looks at it is that SS lives with us part of the week and so it's normal for him to do other stuff while he's here. This is his home in his eyes. I don't see it quite the same way.

OP posts:
TitoMojito · 08/08/2022 17:02

The whole point of contact time is so that the child can spend time with the parent - not so they can sit in the parent's house whilst they go out for a night out...

Dotcheck · 08/08/2022 17:03

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2022 17:01

I'd ask him directly why he doesn't want to see his son.

Me too

where is your husband going?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/08/2022 17:07

I'd agree it is his home too @stepmonster69 BUT given he isn't there part of the time, if his parent actually gave a toss he'd make time to see him. If DHs hobby is always a contact night he could look to change it but otherwise "why DON'T you what to spend anything with Bruce?"

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 17:11

What would happen if you wanted to go out for the evening?

Original poster
stepmonster69 · 08/08/2022 17:13

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2022 17:11

What would happen if you wanted to go out for the evening?

I'd go and he'd be home alone. But he's 15.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/08/2022 17:28

He needs to spend time with his son and he sounds so selfish and 15 is an age he could do fun things with his son. Why is he not bothered at all. Is he the same with all family matters. Tell him he has to be there to spend time with his son and to be a father instead of opting out and putting himself first. Can he not go out the other nights when his son not over.

HeythereDelilah101 · 08/08/2022 17:30

Is he going out all 3 nights? My step son is with us 3 nights a week and my partner will sometimes go out on one of the nights, or work a shift while I look after his son, he’s 6. I think it’s ok to be honest… but if it was every night he is here I wouldn’t be impressed.

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 17:37

Your DH is taking the piss.

I don't agree that your home being your DD's main residence is relevant because it's also your DDS's residence just under 50% of the week, it's his home just like it is hers, it just so happens he has two. But her being an adult is VERY relevant. She's able to take care of herself at university, so she's certainly able to do so at her house.

I would refuse to look after the DS and tell your DH he has to honour his commitments and demonstrate his love to his son by putting his son first. That means being there for those 3 nights a week except in rare circumstances that you agree to in advance for good reason.

MakeadealwithGod · 08/08/2022 17:46

Where is he going that is so important? What time is he getting back?

MeridianB · 08/08/2022 17:49

This is just weird. Does he not miss his son every day and actually want to spend time with him. I feel really sorry for his son.

And of course he shouldn’t be leaving you to ‘parent’ regularly. Where does your H go that’s such a priority?

Holidaydreamingagain · 08/08/2022 17:51

If he’s going out once a week when he’s here I don’t really see the problem. He’s 15 so he can stay home alone and if you don’t want to feed him then he can make himself something or his dad can sort it. To a certain extent I agree with your DH, it’s his home, he’s with you nearly half the week and if needs to be “normal”. Nobody would bat an eyelid at his mum going out when he’s there.

ArcticSkewer · 08/08/2022 17:55

Is he just doing this to save money on child maintenance?

I don't really understand why the 15 year old still goes if his dad isn't there?

I'd suggest joining a gym and going 3 nights a week until this resolves

Original poster
stepmonster69 · 08/08/2022 17:56

@DuchessDarty my daughter doesn't come to my house for contact though does she - that's the difference.

It's probably once a month, on one of his nights. Social stuff with work.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 08/08/2022 18:00

Oh if it's just once a month that's no big deal. Sure he could arrange it for a child free night but it's not that important.
I thought you meant it was every week

clickychicky · 08/08/2022 18:01

He's old enough to learn to cook for himself

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