Husband arranging nights out during contact time

[stepmonster69]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to other posts.

My DH has a son, 15, who spends 3 nights a week at our house. I have a 19yo who is away at uni a lot of the year. DH regularly agrees to go on nights out on the nights when his son is staying with us. He'll be out all evening, not getting back til late. He picks up SS and drops him at ours then goes out. I feel like he should try and be here most of the time when SS is here for contact but I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Whilst he doesn't require looking after as such, he requires feeding and entertaining which falls to me.

His counter argument to me is that I sometimes go out when my DD is with us. The difference is that a) this is her main residence when she's not at uni, and b) she's an adult.

What do think fellow stepmums?

It is a big deal to expect OP to cook for and entertain him without her actually agreeing to it.

He's got a point. DS lives with you part time. Does he have any friends in the area?

It's probably once a month, on one of his nights

Once a month? Wtf is the problem if you can't stand to spend an evening with your DSS once a month? Do you think your husband wouldn't do that for you if the situation was reversed?

Who entertains a 15 year old? Their phone or their Xbox entertains them. And I don’t get the angst about feeding him, get him to make himself something, for one night he can eat pot noodle who cares, or make him some pasta: I would get it if he was 6 and needed to be bathed and put to bed but he’s 15, he’s hardly going to need her attention

Just go out yourself with your friends

He's 15 he'll be reporting back on this and soon he won't bother coming

The way you portrayed this as regular, I assumed this was once a week or more not once a month. Not a big deal at all!

It’s once a month!!! Seriously op, get a grip: your husband is doing nothing wrong. He’s hardly abandoning his teenage son and you’re hardly being put to inconvenience

No she doesn't, but my point still stands that I don't think it's relevant that it's her 'main residence' (and that I think your argument is strong enough without it).

I personally don't view a step-child being with their parent in terms of "contact time" or of it not "being their main home". That's always how I've viewed my DSD coming over; not as contact time with her dad per se but as visiting one of her two homes. But we all have our different ways of viewing and wording things!

Now you've said he goings out about once a month, personally I wouldn't and didn't have a problem with that provided I agreed in advance and there was no expectation. It was just if I was free. But perfectly reasonable for you to say no, it's your DH's night with his son, his responsibility to be there. It seems he's expecting you to just do it and it's that expectation that would irritate me.

It's probably once a month, on one of his nights. Social stuff with work.

On the face of it, that doesn't sound too much, so I'm guessing there is more to it than first appears.

....Are you working long, stressful hours and carrying a much greater financial/level of responsibility load?

....Is your relationship of recent origin, and you just don't know DSS well enough for this situation to be at all comfortable?
....No brothers, no sons, so the whole teenage boy bit is unknown territory?
....Does DH manage to pick the one night in the week with your favourite program, or the evening you can get home at a reasonable hour and have a 3 hour bath etc?
....Is there more to this work 'socializing' than just work? How late is late? 11pm or 3am?

Contact is for his DC to spend time with him not you. Yes of course you're a family unit, but your DH is really out of order. Every now and then going out when it can't be helped, ok, but frequently, absolutely not. Kids as you know with your DD grow up so quick and your DH is missing out on time with his DC.
What does your DC say about it?

If this was the exception & not the rule I wouldn’t mind, there’s definitely been times for example that DH had booked things & his childrens mum has later asked us to have them, and times when things have been planned by DH then contact schedule has changed, or even occasionally his children are due here on X date months away & something comes up that he wants to do. But it’s a rare thing & usually something like a friend visiting from overseas who he’d like to visit for a couple of hours / sport event & doesn’t take the whole day or night. If DH was suddenly planning regular long outings on his contact time, I’d be quite outraged on his childrens behalf. I’m sure they don’t mind their time with me but they’re primarily here to see dad.

that aside, it isn’t fair on you really at all. I get quite excited for the times DH goes out & I have the house to myself & a bit of peace & quiet, his children are lovely but if these rare occasions were regularly turning into me babysitting I’d feel a bit disappointed as I really look forward to that time on my own!

I don't think it's worth kicking up a stink for once a month. I thought you meant like once a week.
Does his contact fall on a Friday, by any chance?

I think if it’s not all the time it’s fine…
If all the kids are here and I want some peace my Boyfriend stays at home with All these kids (2 his 2 mine) then he will go out when I’m back or a different day.
when I’m at work all day in the holidays boyfriend has mine even if his are at there mums.
if he has work or golf I have them all…
I really feel like dads get a hard time on here, the way I see it you get with someone with kids you all work together and all kids are treated the same.
SAYING that it is for every night his son is there every week he’s taking the piss x

Once a month? This isn't a small child who needs a lot of care so I can't really see the big deal myself. You might have a point if it was happening weekly or his DS was younger but I don't think your DH has done anything wrong here.

It's not about the cooking. If his son is only here some nights, he should spend the evening with him.

I dunno. I'm on the fence.

I have teen DC of my own and sometimes I go out when they are here on my 'contact time' (I'm loathed to call it that, even for your DH as it's 3 times a week, it's practically 50/50) and leave them with my DH. Nobody sees it as an issue, for the most part, the teens want to be in their rooms on Xbox / watching Love Island / face timing friends so they're not overly bothered whether I am there or not.

I personally try to treat 'contact time' as normal life, not as anything special, they just have two homes. If I were still with their father, would I go out with my friends? Yes I would.

Once a month, when he's there three times a week seems a non-issue to me.

I personally don't view a step-child being with their parent in terms of "contact time" or of it not "being their main home". That's always how I've viewed my DSD coming over; not as contact time with her dad per se but as visiting one of her two homes. But we all have our different ways of viewing and wording things!

Exactly that @DuchessDarty I have DC, and I have DSC. This is their home as much as their other home. They're not visiting, it's not a special occasion when they are here, nobody gets the red carpet out.

Poor DSS.

Every now and then I’d fine but it’s not fair on him if he’s dads hardly ever there.

Does DSS only come on weekends?

Epic drip feed 😄

Once a month....? When your daughter was living with you and was 15 would you have gone out once a fortnight? Same ratio?

You're saying the reason its different for your daughter is that when she comes to you it's "not for contact" - implicitly, because it's her home. But it's his home too? He lives there half the time. Same applies.

All that said, if I were in your DHs shoes I'd try to keep my social life to the half of the week when my kid didn't live with me. But if the odd thing came up it would be no big deal. You don't always get to dictate when work socials are. They'll be someone's leaving do, or to celebrate a projet deadline etc.

A 15yo not spending one night a month with their parent in their home is not a big deal.

Your feelings about not wanting DSS to be around when you're relaxing are a separate issue. I understand them, and I think I'd likely feel the same. And that's why I never plan to be anyone's stepmum. Because it's not unreasonable of you, but I can tell you from experience it feels like absolute shit when neither of your homes feel like home because neither of your step parents really want you there or think of it as your home as much as theirs.

I was sort of with you until I read that it’s a once a month occasion.

seriously?

Has it never happened that you went out when your dd was younger and your DH looked after her instead of a nice relaxing evening in his own?

It's probably once a month, on one of his nights. Social stuff with work.

Then YABU

I think it's the difference between being asked (stepmonster I'm going out on 3rd that ok for you to be in for DSC ?) to literally not asking and DH disappearing into the sunset after dropping DSC off ?

That I would be narky about what if I had plans, yes you could leave a 15 year old alone but most people in the absence of their dad you fill the need to fill the void.

Are there other examples if DH taking you for granted ? Which I suspect is the issue here.

I will stay in for DSD on rare time DH isn't here for her regular time, and same for my Dd for DH (his dsd) but the difference is we are asked ? Not told.

Feel the need**

Good post @ecuse

As an aside, v mature temp username you chose there OP, what lols.

I think I might keep it actually 😬