Husband arranging nights out during contact time

[stepmonster69]

Have name changed for this as I don't want it linked to other posts.

My DH has a son, 15, who spends 3 nights a week at our house. I have a 19yo who is away at uni a lot of the year. DH regularly agrees to go on nights out on the nights when his son is staying with us. He'll be out all evening, not getting back til late. He picks up SS and drops him at ours then goes out. I feel like he should try and be here most of the time when SS is here for contact but I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Whilst he doesn't require looking after as such, he requires feeding and entertaining which falls to me.

His counter argument to me is that I sometimes go out when my DD is with us. The difference is that a) this is her main residence when she's not at uni, and b) she's an adult.

What do think fellow stepmums?

People say it's only once a month, but surely the whole point of contact is to spend time with your child.

As another aside, when my daughter was younger my ex used to dump her at his mum's on some of his contact nights so that he could go out with his mates. Used to give me the 😡. No wonder she stopped going. I didn't used to go out on my nights with her when she was younger. I would save nights out for my free time. (That was when she was actually still going to her dad's).

Is his contact days always weekends or does it alternate weekdays / weekends? Ie is DSS with you every weekend or every other weekend? possibly makes a difference.

That said, I don’t stay in every time my DS15 is at home in the evening. Its good that he feels his DS lives with him half the time and not that he just ‘visits’.

This seems to contradict a lot of posts on this forum where people don’t want “red carpet treatment” for stepkids, and want the time to feel like normal family life.
50% is a huge chunk of life for an adult to set aside as “I can’t go anywhere or have any obligations outside the house, my teen is here “visiting.”
Normal life would require that occasionally in that 50% or time, the dad has an obligation he may not have control of.

Surely the OP could go out too if she didn’t want to stay there alone, the 15 yo can stay by himself in his own home for a little while and sort his own dinner?

People talking about 'contact visits' seem to be thinking that the lad is there once weekend in two or something ?

The dc is there 3 nights a week - virtually half the time.
It is perfectly normal for his Dad to carry on his life as normal.
Teens do not need entertaining, and if they did, they do not need their Dad to do it. Surly if he is with you and his Dad nearly half his life, then life just carries on as normal, which may include evenings out occasionally, or might include the night when the dh goes to his hobby / sport / volunteering etc.

He's there 3 nights a week. So out of 12ish nights he's gone 1.

That's nothing. OP is being ridiculous, if she doesn't want to be there she can go out.

He's a 15 year old lad in his home. He can be left alone.

That’s totally out of order and seriously odd behaviour!

If he wouldn't just leave him on his own I'd say YANBU but the fact is he's doing what he'd do whether you were there or not because he'd leave DSS by himself I'd you weren't so he's not asking you to do anything. If he was 6 and needed taking care of I'd agree.

I totally get where you're coming from with just wanting some time to yourself and to not spend the evening sat downstairs with DSS talking to you all night.

Evenings in when I'm completely by myself with no DC and no DH are a rarity in my house that I love the opportunity to have them!

If I were you and you didn't fancy going out yourself, I'd take myself off with some snacks and whatever to my room (do you have a TV in there?) So it was clear I wanted to be left alone. DH can sort DSS's meals, and he'll surely not bother you if you're in your room? I'm sure some people will say how awful it is to not want to spend the evening with him but c'mon why would you?! I'd take an evening on my own in bed watching what I want to watch on TV over spending it downstairs with my DSC all night any day personally.

Although I do sort of agree with Pitchforks too actually.

Do you then feel some sort of obligation to be in for DSS? I'd expect his dad to tell me when this was happening not just drop DSS off and then fuck off. You should be able to go out yourself if you want to without having to sort out DSS and potentially worry about leaving him on his own.

Does he actually get left by himself to does DH just say he would do if you weren't in to make it seem like he's not asking anything of you?

If DH went out and got home to you having gone out also, would be be bothered?

If the answer is truly no then I don't think he's being that unreasonable (although I'd still expect him to check with me and sort everything like meals out) but if you think he'd come home and be mad that you'd left DSS by himself without telling him (him as in DH) then I don't think YABU as he obviously expects you to be 'parent' when there.

I think it is tricky to decide the moment when it's OK to leave a 15 year old in charge of the house for the entire evening even when it's your own son. When they're a DSC, and you don't have that innate sense of what they're capable of, it's quite different. You might come back to the bath overflowing and water pouring down the walls, because they started running it and got distracted by a game or a phone call. Or there might be a bunch of kids in the living room raiding the drinks cabinet!

And if the house is yours and not DH's/DP's - that's another ballgame entirely!

Once a month is fine. SS is not exactly a young child that needs watching.

The issue is that while many of us don't see it as 'contact time' and that we view someone spending 3 nights a week in the house as living there and it being their home. The OP doesn't view it like that at all. OP sees SC as 'visiting' and that's the crux of the issue. I think it's the OP that needs to change her view, not her DH.

You don't go from being a visitor to being close family overnight. People think you can create instafamilies, but you can't. It's a slow organic process before you can feel truly comfortable in each other's company. The day DSC asked if they could come over and study in the kitchen because they worked better with me around - wow, massive breakthrough, very emotional.

If be equally judgey if the Mom booked all her social life for return the lad was home too, if that helps. Your child is around for three or four nights a week only, how hard is it to largely prioritise being around at home to see them?

True @SpaceshiptoMars It can take time. Don't know how long OP has been in the SC's life but as she's married to her DH I am assuming a while.

Either way though, whether you feel like a family or not makes no odds. The SC still live there.

I have DSC and DC. This is both equally their home. Do I feel like DSC are my family? Not really, but that doesn't stop the house from being their house and doesn't stop me from looking after them when asked to.

I missed this. Once a month is fine I think, it isn't like Dad's avoiding him. Surely at 15 he can get himself some dinner and entertain himself if you really don't want to be alone with him?

I don't think once a month is extreme- and if it's to do with work it doesn't sound as bad as just going to the pub to get drunk ....

once per month he leaves his 15 yr old child in the house - hardly neglect, hardly being taken advantage of and the child realises that Dads life does not revolve around him all the time and normal life continues.

If he sat there every night he would be Disney and people complaining but that once per month he has a normal work commitment then people are saying neglect and Sm being taken advantage of - really!

YABU

DSS is there 3 nights a week so almost half the week. When your DD was 15 did you honestly never go out? Mine are getting older now and I think by 15 they can entertain themselves & don't need a parent to watch over them.

If DSS was only there alternate weekends and so 4 nights a month then that would be different.Do you expect him to not go out 3 nights every week? Surely DSS can watch TV, go on Xbox etc just for that one night?

Thanks for all of your opinions, it seems it's not unreasonable. I like the suggestion of taking myself off to my room - I'll do that (although I don't have a TV).

Its once a month. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

My DP helps out with my DC and I his. Surely that's what a partnership is?

Out of interest @stepmonster69 which nights is your stepson with you? Is it the same 3 nights every week or something like Tu,W,Th one week, Fri, Sat, Sun the next?

A 15 year old doesn't need entertaining and cooking some dinner for him when you do yours is just politeness. Is it really that much of a big deal?

Same three nights. Two week days and one weekend night.

Then it’s inevitable it will happen sometimes. Some of those week nights he’ll be doing homework anyway, surely, or at least he should be,

OP you have nearly 50/50 with him: you need to get over the mindset of him “visiting” for “contact” he isn’t a visitor, it’s his home too and you’ll need to get your head round that and change your mindset