His family have repeatedly called me ex's name

[chilledbubble]

I have been with DH just over 5 years. We are married. I have been called his ex wife's name on multiple occasions. By his sister a few times (including on our wedding day..nice) and twice now by his parents. Would I be a complete cow to start calling them by the wrong name? Our names aren't similar. I look nothing like her. And the DSC are sat right there so I think its insulting to everyone involved frankly.

It's only rude if it's intentional.

I agree that she (and I) could have handled it better. But the ways you seem to want to get back at her are way out of proportion.

Sometimes you're so used to your son/ brother's partners name that getting used to a new one takes time.

I've called my SIL his exs name once and sometimes I say it when talking with my sisters, then they say...you mean Vanessa, not Diane...I often don't even realise that I said Diane.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It sounds to me from what you've described that this is a case of people not bothering to get to know you or acknowledge you as a person. It's good you are fine with them chatting about the ex to the DSC but why do they get to disregard relationship building with the person who is in fact more important than the ex - after all she's their son's past, you're the present and future.

I would have expected an apology from SIL re the wedding slip up, how horrible and hurtful to you.

My PIL purposely play spiteful games taking out wedding photos when I used to visit.

I would have to make my point calmly and clearly somehow that if they are interested in getting to know you and accepting you as their DIL then you will make an effort again. After all you didn't marry them.

So on average, you get called the wrong name only once a year? I get called the wrong name more often than that in work every week and I wear a name badge.

Calling them by the wrong name wouldn't help the situation.

My DHs parents used to do this. I know it was by accident in their case though. Every time they did it I'd say "no my name is I6344". They soon stopped doing it.
I'd be really upset if I was called by his ex's name on our wedding day. Definitely start correcting them every single time. Your DH should be correcting them too

>>when I've just cooked them dinner for 2-3 hours and also don't ask me a single question about my self but ask the DSC for the latest updates on their mother. Then at the end of the visit I get a "oh how are things with you?". I just rattle off the most exciting things in a minute and then say anyway nice to see you i must get on.

it sounds like there are other things going on here. If you already feel that they treat you poorly in other ways, of course the wrong name will feel intentional even if it’s not. Just keep calmly correcting them, that’s a classier way to make your point. After a few times they will feel embarrassed they can’t remember and it will stick with them. If you are composed about it, your composure will add to their cumulative embarrassment.

I get called by the wrong name all the time, both at work and with my family! By people who know better, and by people who don’t know me very well. I don’t feel like it’s a reflection of how important I am as a person. Most people are constantly mentally multitasking these days and subject to brain overload, my name occasionally gets lost in the shuffle.

Asking after the ex, in your presence, is so annoying. This happens to me too. I feel like saying, if you care about them to the point that you need to be rude by asking after them in front of me while simultaneously showing no interest in my life, why don't you call them instead to find out? Meet up with them? The only people who do this are people who have never divorced or become a new partner themselves, if it's any consolation. They usually also like to tell old stories involving the ex and reminisce over big events you weren't a part of. I think it's largely unavoidable and an uphill battle to earn as much legitimacy or affection. Time and shared experiences may help -- another poster who's been a second wife for decades may have insight. It's what I'm counting on, in any case. It really sucks right now, a few years in.

If its a mistake I'd correct and then let it go. My fil can't even get his own sons name right so I'd know he didn't mean anything by it!