His family have repeatedly called me ex's name

[chilledbubble]

I have been with DH just over 5 years. We are married. I have been called his ex wife's name on multiple occasions. By his sister a few times (including on our wedding day..nice) and twice now by his parents. Would I be a complete cow to start calling them by the wrong name? Our names aren't similar. I look nothing like her. And the DSC are sat right there so I think its insulting to everyone involved frankly.

Oh right. I didn't realise parents get their own kids names wrong too. So it's like an actual thing that happens? Not a oh that's the first name that comes into my head that will do thing?

I mix my kids names up, I even call my son my sister's name sometimes, my mum called my sister my Aunty's name on many many occasions and even sent her a card to the wrong name once. I call my female dog my deceased male dogs name sometimes. Definitely subconscious.
For you this will also sting a little, it's embarrassing because you will be instantly reminded of his ex and their relationship, however I still think your reaction is very OTT. Small errors are not worth getting so worked up over. Life is far too short for that. Maybe try building a stronger relationship with your in-laws so that you are more "cemented" in their minds?

Repeatedly would be as often as you are suggesting. A couple of times by different people spanning over 5 years is not repeatedly.

It’s not an age thing, just peoples brains wired differently and having basically brain farts. I’ve been having them since my pre-teens.

If someone did what you proposed I would think you were very rude, patronising, self centred and have a deep lack of understanding about people.

and here’s a big Clap for your perfect memory recall. 👏🏻

I had to look that up sorry. a deep-seated feeling of aversion. is probably a bit strong. But no I'm not best enamoured to people who call me the wrong thing when I've just cooked them dinner for 2-3 hours and also don't ask me a single question about my self but ask the DSC for the latest updates on their mother. Then at the end of the visit I get a "oh how are things with you?". I just rattle off the most exciting things in a minute and then say anyway nice to see you i must get on.

No need to be so rude with the clap I have just never muddled people's names up so didn't know it was a thing. My parents haven't ever muddled my name up either.

Well, I called DS the dog's name yesterday.
And called DDog by DS's name last week 🙃
I do know which is which, just being absent-minded.

If this is happening about once a year I'd let it go. Truly.

Now I know it's just a brain fart I understand it a bit more.

I get my nephews names wrong often, I sometimes list of the whole lot before I get to the right one. It's not intentional, I just say it without really thinking about it.
Twice in 5 years is nothing tbh.

@chilledbubble what you've just described is a very different issue to getting your name wrong. There are a couple of different things going on other than the name thing.

Stop putting so much effort into catering for them, they obviously don't value it.

They are probably talking to the DSC about their mum to show that they care about the dsc and that they are included in the wider family, even though their parents aren't together anymore.

I think that is probably part of the pitfalls of being a step-mum.

Forget the name thing.

I'm not gonna lie if it's a mistake you would apologise either discreetly or say sorry in the moment or even look a bit abashed.

My DSD mum called out someone by calling me my wrong name and using her name at a family gathering. When they were like oh your basically one person in my head (not looking sorry in slightest) she went mad. Then apologised on their behalf and mentioned how awkward DSD and I must have felt.

You know it never did happen again. I was so shocked I stood their with my mouth open (I didn't have a chance to speak. But she was right (god love that women) we aren't a homogeneous person because we both married one person or another. I am more than wife number 2 and she is more than wife number 1.

If someone had done it and apologised I wouldn't really care tbh. And I have done it in the past and apologised straight away. But never at a wedding. That's just wow. IMO

@pitchforksandflamethrowers That is exactly how I feel. I would be mortified. And it's not fair on the DSC. I guess I understand a bit more now people have explained they do it with their own children and their dogs etc but it's the lack of oh silly me I'm sorry. And like you say it makes you wonder if you're just seen as one and the same person! I'll try to be more understanding but I'm going to have to say something next time. It's just working out what. Stern, please try not to do that again. Or jokey hahaha that's the 4th time you've done that.

I don't mind that bit though. It's a bit annoying they aren't even interested until the end of the visit, then when it's something interesting they want to know more but I just shut that conversation right down I'm afraid as they have had 4-5 hours to ask me anything really!

Errrr calling your children the wrong names is completely different- no comparison.

My exs mum used to do this and I let it go a couple of times and so did he but eventually he said something and funny enough it stopped. It's really rude

Once or twice is a mistake but if its repeatedly happening then I'm sorry but it's not on. I would not answer if they call you the wrong name.

@chilledbubble I would do it in a jokey way rather than stern.

People do get names wrong, and their reaction will tell you if you have a right to get narked or not.

That said if they do it in front of DSC it's worth saying to DSC separately I'm sorry about that and if it made you uncomfortable, and turn that into a joke too between you all that your in on together. Oh silly grandma ect.

I don't know who was more horrified at mums outburst me or DSD but as I said I appreciated her nipping it in the bud. Mainly because if it had continued DSD would have said something and she wouldn't have put it politely. She knows her parents are split and doesn't need people prodding that particular wound more than needed.

People maybe doing it kindly reminiscing about the old times but for my DSD that would actually upset her. And that is something me and her mum strongly will not have.

That's because I'm having a rant about one issue on an online forum. You don't know me presumably.

Anyway thank you very much to all the people who have explained this could just be a Brian fart thing (auto correct there but I like it). And those who have explained how they deal with the situation. It is very much appreciated and I feel less alone in the journey that is stepparenting.

And to all the people who have said I shouldn't be getting so angry about it etc? Why are my feelings about this to be dismissed so easily? I cannot help my feelings. I can learn to deal with them and many people have put forward constructive suggestions. But telling me how I shouldn't feel doesn't sit right with me.

People aren't telling you you can't feel this way, but that it's an extreme reaction to what's happening so that perhaps, yes, you do need to calm down and consider why it's actually upsetting you so much.

Also suggesting that if you start wearing a nametag or pointedly calling your ILs by your ex's relatives names...well, this will go badly, will probably make your relationship with them worse and will cause upset all round. Laugh their mistakes off if you can. It's happening about once a year. They're not doing it deliberately. And, yes, people make these sort of errors all the time.

Did they immediately apologise on the occasions they called you the wrong name?

Of course, all the people saying 'don't overreact' are also the ones who mix up names themselves, or know brides who this happened to, but aren't being misnamed themselves.

Are they doing it deliberately and maliciously though? My GF did this to my uncle/his son's second wife until the day he died. The saintly woman took it! My GF had adored his first DiL and never got over the split.

Except, I do this all the time and it happens to me all the time.

Mixing up names isn't a problem in and of itself as lots of people do it continuously. It doesn't mean anything.

If there are other actions on top, then it could be deliberate to upset the OP.

Of course they should apologise, but maybe they're embarrassed and think the best thing to do is gloss over it, ignore it, pretend it never happened and move on.

That's what I did 😳 Fortunately my DD's partner is a decent guy and pretended he hadn't noticed. Whether he noticed on the three or four times that I've stayed with the first syllable of his predecessors name before hurriedly replacing it with his own name, I don't know.

From the moment she met her own husband, my SIL called my late husband (her brother) by her husband's name, or vice versa around 50% of the time. For about 35 years! No-one cared. We knew who she meant.

Clearly your brain doesn't have name blips, OP. You're really fortunate in that regard. But many of us do slip up. Your determination to see this as a deliberate insult, despite so many people on here explaining why it happens accidentally so easily for most of us, is really odd.

Another one who thinks you're over reacting. It's a slip of the tongue. It doesn't sound deliberate . I often get names wrong even if my kids.
Being 'Furious' seems totally overkill but I'm assuming from your tone that you don't like them anyway if you're looking for this sort of stuff to call them out over.

No I didn't realise it was a brain fart thing. I still think its rude though and should be apologised for not just ignored and pretend I didn't notice. Of course I notice.