Is it just me...

[Rosebella215]

Is it just me or do most of the problems seem to arise when the agreement is 50/50?

It's just an observation and I could be wrong, but it seems to me that when 50/50 split is in place and there's not a 'primary parent' so to speak, that more complications develop. In my opinion it's because boundaries tend to be more blurred...

I don’t think so. A particular set of problems might be more likely to arise at 50-50 (where the mother doesn’t get to be the primary parent and no maintenance is paid) but problems can arise in a stepfamily whatever the contact pattern.

I am not sure that it's the 50/50 split in isolation that causes issues.

I actually think that a lot of issues arise because parents live a long way apart from each other. If there is a two hour round trip between houses it becomes and effort for the children to travel and it makes weekend activities harder and they can't see their friends on contact weekends.

I also think lack of flexibility between the parents causes a lot of resentment and issues. There's something quite unpleasant about hearing parents not wanting to be flexible because it's not their "turn" - although I understand how it could get to this point when one parents doesn't pull their weight.

Also I think non-resident dads expecting their partners to do the grunt work of parenting because they are a woman causes a lot of issues.

Also rigidly trying to stick to a contact arrangement made when the children were toddlers up until they are 18 makes no sense to me. I think arrangements should change in line with the children's needs which will change over time.

I do think that there are really ambivalent attitudes to 50-50 contact on MN.

If a NRP does EOW and a night in the week, then there are cries of how shit he is and how little he does. And SMs are told they’re complaining about nothing because their Tuesday nights are SC free, whatever the problem.

But if he does 50-50, he’s awful. He’s not doing it because he wants time with his children. No. He’s just trying to do his ex out of maintenance. Even if he pays maintenance despite the 50-50. He’s clearly insisted on it and should be punished for this with absolutely no flexibility at all. The SM get married this miscreant so it’s the kids are her problem on his time.

Yet, it turns out, the mother with 50-50 residency should ring fence her time off and guard it absolutely. She’s entitled to this and it’s ridiculous to think otherwise. M

Just MN batshittery.

The vast majority of "blended families" are unhappy and dysfunctional, in my opinion. It very rarely works. Even those adults who say their arrangement is working generally mean it works for them - the children are still unhappy. DH and I agreed when we had DS1 that if we split up, neither of us would enter another committed relationship until the children were grown up. I don't buy the "I'm entitled to a life" and "you can't help who you fall in love with" schtick - you have a life, your children are the most important people in it, and it's not about falling in love, it's about the conscious, practical choices you make in response to those feelings.

@Greensleeves not sure I can relate to that I'm afraid...
I've been a step mum for 4 years now and I'm only 31, plus I was a step child from the age of 5 upwards in both households. Granted, it's not without bumps along the way, but I still see my step-dad 12 years on from his split from my mum, in fact I even was bridesmaid at his recent wedding. And on my dad's side, I now have 2 half brothers and couldn't possible imagine a life without them. I would 100% not have wanted either of my parents to remain single, hell I may have even found it harder them having a new bf/gf when I got to 18 if I'd never seen them with another person!

I think it depends on lots of circumstances. distance from each other and willingness.

50/50 can work but needs both parents to have a good relationship and flexibility. We have a couple of friends that have done 50/50 - they live close together and as the children grow up it becomes much more flexible. Financially in one instance even though it was 50/50 the father earned more money and also provided CSA. My other friends have an account where they both put equal amounts in to pay for kids uniforms and childcare fees etc - but both parents earn similar amounts.
I have another friends where the 50/50 just doesn’t work - the child doesn’t want to spend much time with one parent. The parents have tried to slowly increase time but respect that the child prefers to sleep in one bed. The parents communicate and make it work as best for the child. They want it to be around 70/30.

That's great, but I think you're in a minority.

No in our case @Greensleeves, we all get on well and are happy including DSDs. I think I am in better position to know whether or not they are happy than you are!

And I hope you never have to find out but I think you and/or your husband might feel differently about your agreement if you actually split up!

At the moment your entire post is speculation on a situation you have never been in.

@Greensleeves are you a step-parent?

Absolutely not, I thought I was fairly clear that I would never put myself or my children - or anyone else's in that situation. I did have several stepparents growing up.

Not a "first wife" either, before anyone throws out that trope

I know it works for some families - but I do think they're the minority. I know many, many "blended families" both personally and professionally, most of whom are shot through with resentments and conflict. The ones where the adults think it's working are often the ones where the children are the most miserable.

@Greensleeves so basically that would be like me posting on a 'new baby' thread and telling people how to act / feel even though I've never had a child? Right ok...

Well, yes, that's open discussion forums for you. People post from their own experiences as parents, teachers, therapists, adults children...if you wanted an echo chamber, you picked the wrong place.

My DSS isn't unhappy because his dad is in a relationship with me. He is/was unhappy because his parents separated, that was the key thing that was the parents putting themselves ahead of him.

And my DD is not unhappy and wouldn't exist were it not for the blended family.

Difficulties arise for the following reasons IME

An acrimonious split - bitterness / resentment / seeing everything the ex does as being designed to be "difficult" regardless of arrangements. Difficulty maintains a co-parenting stance since communication is fraught.

Grey areas financially - uniform / bus fees / shoes

Extended blends - ie new partners also with kids & exes, new relationships and childcare arrangements being passed down the line so you end up accommodating the requirements of someone you have never met.

DC becoming teens with ever more complicated schedules of their own.

Distance - one parent moves too far away from DC.

Never in the 50/50 bracket but I imagine the same sort of triggers will occur regardless of the "deal".

50/50 solved all sorts of problems for my DSD.

Her mum no longer has 11 days out of 14 to perform parental alienation. Imagine a child spending over 75% of their life having to hide their feelings for their father.

Her mum can no longer try to cut her dad out of important matters eg school and medical. Imagine doctors manipulated to think that being with the dad is making the child sick.

DSD has more time with her dad where she catches up on sleep, schoolwork and general routine. Imagine a toddler turning up EOW exhausted with bags under their eyes and sleeping almost all weekend. And just at the moment they regain their zest you have to return them to their mums for another period of undersleeping.

DSD sees her life as balanced across the two houses and is clearly less stressed and more free to be a child.

The 50/50 is supported by a very prescriptive court order which threatens that the next step for mum is reduced time. Courts are wary of granting 50/50 in a high conflict situation but in my DSD’s case the ruling was very clear.

Maybe in a couple of years a different rhythm will be better for DSD. Every situation is different and generalising is a complete waste of time.

Ah but it was a bit cathartic writing that out as I generally try to avoid being negative about mum!!

I’m in a blended family and I would actually agree with this.

Even in best case scenario, there are resentments, needs put to one side, priority given to an ex whom you would otherwise never have had anything to do with in your life.

It's not a great way to live and if I had my time again I wouldn’t do it.

When people say ‘you knew what you were getting into’ I want to twat them over the head with a crystal ball.

priority given to an ex whom you would otherwise never have had anything to do with in your life.

I don't think this is inevitable. DP treats his ex with respect as the mother of his children and they work well together as co-parents but I wouldn't say either of them prioritizes each other. They are cordial for the sake of the children and will help each other out as parents when needed.

When people say ‘you knew what you were getting into’ I want to twat them over the head with a crystal ball.
I often wonder where the idea the step mothers are psychic and can see the future comes from!

True it’s not a given. But i see more examples of poor boundaries with the ex causing issues than healthy, boundaried cooperation.

it’s almost always driven by guilt. If there are good boundaries and no guilt, i could see how it could work.

I on the other hand know plenty of people who are very happy their parents separated and got new partners.

Children don't like living in households where there is conflict between their parents.

I totally agree. It's always a choice.

Happy blended families getting on with their lives will spend far less time posting on Internet forums than unhappy ones.

The common denominator on 90% of MN step family threads are dads expecting their new partner/wife to take over responsibility of his children while in his care, and expecting their children's mothers to do all the life admin, and arranging her schedule around him.

@RedWingBoots Oh don't get me wrong I don't disagree with you and I obviously don't wish my DP had stayed with his ex!

I just think it's silly how certain posters always claim that the thing the kids are sad about will be having step parents and that that is the only thing the parent does that is self motivated. I think it's likely to be more common for the kids to be primarily upset their parents split in the first place, yet this is rarer mentioned.

There wasn't that much conflict between DP and his ex, he was just utterly miserable. I know DSS would have preferred they stay together. But that's just life.

@SheeplessAndCounting
I totally agree. It's always a choice.

I am not sure what you mean by this. Parents have a choice in whether or not they procreate in the first place and then whether or not they stay together. Step families only exist because people have children with people they then go on to break up with.