As a childless woman myself, if I were to post on the parenting section of MN I wouldn't presume that my voice would be every bit as relevant as those of women who are actual parents, just because I was a child myself once. Of course I can have an opinion but I would be in no position to presume that my own perception and experience can be generalised across most parenting set-ups.
I grew up in a together family with a physically and verbally abusive father and a mother whose own coping mechanism was to work away so we barely saw her. You'd think that would give me some insight into what to avoid in my own relationships but no, I ended up married to an almost identically abusive ExH. Do I therefore think most relationships are inherently bad therefore children shouldn't be brought into them? No. It also helps explain why I eventually fell in love with a man with children because despite the step-parenting challenges I faced, he was and is the most kind hearted, loving and respectful person I have ever had in my life.
People with no personal experience of being a step parent often have very little insight as to the insidious drip-drip-drip of micro events and dynamics which appear petty or insignificant in and of themselves, but cumulatively result in the kind of posts we see on this board. It’s the step-parenting equivalent of “she divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink.”
E.g. something as simple as me asking DSC if they could put their apple cores in the bin instead of leaving them on the carpet - it was just a request, not followed by an “or else…” - resulted in mum angrily texting to DH “don’t let her discipline the children!!” So of course when a similar incident cropped up I knew there’d be “consequences” if I said anything hence the dilemma of “how do I deal with this seemingly simple scenario without having to run to DH each time to sort it out?”
Other SMs would also recognise the further subtext of “and how do I cope with the effect on my mental health by yet another example of feeling powerless in my own home, exacerbated by already having to live my life dictated around the DC’s access schedule which I obviously expected/accepted when I moved in with DH but I had no idea there’d be all these other innocuous events easily dealt with in a 'together' family but causes a shitstorm in a step family. I’m exhausted treading this tightrope where nothing I do just 'is' - literally my every action is judged and scrutinised and interpreted as evidence of whether I like his kids or not.” (I'd also wager that right now the anti step parent posters will be thinking something along the lines of "I bet Debussy was always pulling her DSC up in other ways and that was the final straw.")
It’s this kind of understanding that makes direct experience relevant when responding to posts on Step-Parenting but trying to point it out on this board results in accusations of only wanting an echo chamber. I know people think they’re simply advocating on behalf of the children but what’s so frustrating and unfair about this board is the underlying assumption that all step parents/step parenting situations are inherently selfish by default and we therefore hadn’t already taken the children’s needs or feelings into consideration before posting.
It’s the same reason that questions such as “were you the OW” are so unhelpful - SM bashers probably assume it grates because we’re offended at being accused of being the OW. However what's actually the issue is the prejudice that drives this and other “SM bingo” statements such as “does he pay maintenance?” (when it’s clearly unrelated to the situation in the OP) - basically an underlying attitude of “let’s establish why this situation is likely to be your fault”. It’s the equivalent of going onto every infidelity thread in Relationships and posting “what did you do to drive him to have an affair?”
Sorry that was so long! and breathe