Is it just me...

[Rosebella215]

Is it just me or do most of the problems seem to arise when the agreement is 50/50?

It's just an observation and I could be wrong, but it seems to me that when 50/50 split is in place and there's not a 'primary parent' so to speak, that more complications develop. In my opinion it's because boundaries tend to be more blurred...

Happy blended families getting on with their lives will spend far less time posting on Internet forums than unhappy ones.

I won't have known this part of MN existed if my DP's ex hadn't decided to act like batshit.

My own parents, my friends parents and my friends now - either didn't act crazy or if they did had people in rl they listened to so stopped their shit.

Most of the problems arise because of the lack of active management of the relationships around the Non-Resident Dad.

In all scenarios he is the common denominator, and yet when conflict or difficult situations arise, he allows his DW to be pitted against his EX, his DC with the first wife or his DC with second wife, and take a backseat. We've seen it time and time again on this board.

A blended family can thrive if the Non-Resident Dad is always on the same page as his DW, however the relationship will not survive any permutation of shared care if the above isn't actively managed by him.

You've clearly missed the posts from the actual and de-facto step-parents of adult children.

There are plenty on here.

Instead of the adult children being happy that their parent has found a partner in their dotage so the adult children aren't lumbered with caring for their elderly parent they cause more conflict.

I think as well that there is a lot to be said for assuming good intentions and applying a bit of empathy on both sides.

I think sometimes there is conflict for the sake of conflict and that doesn't do anyone any good.

I haven't missed them, I'm very happy for those for whom it works. I just think they're in the minority. I think @aSofaNearYou makes a fair point that the children are usually already unhappy because their family has broken up, but to me that's a point squarely in favour of not putting them into a "blended family" set-up where their needs and happiness are almost invariably squashed even further into the background. Many children absolutely do resent and dislike both their stepparent and the fact that they have a stepparent - we don't have @aSofaNearYou 's DSS here to give us his side of the story. I'm not blaming the stepparent specifically, either. It's a failing on the part of the parents - they're privileging their own happiness and their love life over the welfare of children who are already traumatised and struggling. No wonder it very rarely makes anybody happy, and leads to conflict and resentment.

I only know one couple who do 50/50 with their son and it works really well for them, but they do live really close together and he is only 7. I can definitely see it becoming harder for them as he grows, and if one ends up moving slightly further away so it's easier for him to see friends from one parents' house etc.

As an SP, I can't imagine how hard 50/50 is to navigate. I couldn't handle it and I get on really well with my SCs. It's such a lot of time to live with children that aren't your own and I'm sure loads of tensions would arise (from both sides).

I also think realistically does anyone want to live between 2 homes to that extent? Would anywhere really feel like home? I don't speak from experience as it didn't happen to me, but even now as an adult I would struggle to be moving back and forth to that extent.

I think it very much depends on the attitude of the parents and how flexible the arrangement is.
My ex and I have our kids 50/50 - 1 week on, 1 week off. The kids are early teens. This has worked for us all for a couple of years now. Initially it was 3 days on, 3 days off and the kids said that they felt that was too short living in one home before moving - they didn't feel settled. We changed it and now everyone is much happier.

My ex has since moved in with someone and they now go to hers. She seems like a nice woman so I am not going to actively try and cause problems as what would that do? Just cause stress for everyone. It generally works well.

Don't get me wrong, we don't co-parent without conflict sometimes BUT mostly we use patience and understanding to come to arrangements that work.

This all of this in a bloody nutshell !!

Just my opinion but I always have secret chuckle when someone says if my and my DH split up we have agreed to never date anyone ever again for the sake of the children. Not because I think their intentions arent good or that poster won't stick to it, but I think wonder what matter of bullshittery they would allow for the sake of the kids and if their DH became their ex would he actually stick it a promise he made while married and what drama would ensue on the partner he joins up with.

I mean plenty of people break their marriage vows, and that particular agreement isn't a typical.

My ex eh promised not to cheat on me, you think that would have meant more not less after the death of our first child but ultimately that broken promise was on him so I wouldn't ever make my Dd sm life a living hell. I could have stayed with him, he begged me to but think to my self what am I teaching my DD about relationships if I stayed.

Also a question to few of the poster (I'm not gonna @ you as it seems aggressive and I'm actually genuinely curious)but if your hate blended families and intrinsically disagree with them and are not part of one's yourself. I have to ask in the nicest possible why are you here ? On the step parenting board.

I feel like a animal in a zoo sometimes with people who are looking in, giving advice but actually have no care. Do you visit other boards like multiple pregnancy boards and offer advice to them too (even if you don't have a multiple).

It strikes me as odd. No judgement just wonder what brings people here.

It strikes me as odd. No judgement just wonder what brings people here.

It's like multiple pile-up car crashes. People have to stop and look.

@SpaceshiptoMars see I also think that's odd when people do that. Imagine being in a car crash bleeding all over the shop and people gawping.

I personally can't think anything ruder tbh like leave me alone to bleed in peace.
Also find it odd when people insist on family members being in the birthing room.

Its like stopping to look at a car crash then going and stomping on the injured people's heads and telling them they shouldn't be driving if they were going to crash rather than helping them out of the wreckage.

I roll my eyes a bit when I see people back up their negative opinion of step-parenting as a concept with statements such as "having had several step-parents myself..." or "my DC have had several step-mums..." What they're failing to acknowledge is that the DC's parent(s) were obviously making poor choices/judgement when it came to the people they were bringing into their children's lives therefore what the poster observes as several examples of shit step-parenting is actually one example of a shit actual parent exposing their children to several bad choices of person-in-a-step-parent-role.

As for 50/50, I have personally seen it work very well for the children. I don't doubt that it doesn't work well for others.

You can roll your eyes if you think it will achieve anything, but on a thread about whether 50/50 causes conflict/is harder on kids, the voice of someone who grew up in a stepfamily is every bit as valid as that of a current stepmother. You may not wish to hear it, but it's a relevant perspective as much as yours is.

Similarly, when discussing blended families and whether or not they generally work well for children, the voice of an adult who grew up with stepparents is every bit as relevant as yours.

@Greensleeves yes but again your assuming your lived experience as a step child is the rule.

The previous poster was pointing out that actually there are other sp who it works well for and doesn't deny it doesn't for some.

You also assuming it's just sm on here (which I certainly am) and I was also a stepchild and for me 50/50 wasn't a issue.
It may have been for you but it wasn't for me. Both statements can be true as they aren't facts they are opinions.

I also too roll my eyes at people stating their opinions as facts regardless who they are, as there isn't a higher hierarchy of who's opinion is more valid.

Lol it's funny isn't it.

I had someone say you have no idea what it's like for step children in a blended family... and I was like well actually I was one.

She jumped over that fact and said my opinion was irrelevant. While proclaiming that step childrens voices are often ignored and dismissed. The irony was not lost on me.

Good luck and I hope they accept the advice as gospel or naturally you will have to tell them your doing it wrong😂

Crickets to my question from crickets... sigh now that is a shocker.
Usually people who aren't sp or step children are so vocal on this board.

I ask a innocent question and tumble weed. I do wonder what I did wrong 🤔

I’ve never presented my opinion as anything other than my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do think blended families rarely make people happy, and I think it’s inherently a bad idea for children to live with adults who don’t love them. I think it’s unreasonable to expect anyone to love a child simply because it’s related to the partner they do love. I think men have a nasty habit of assuming that the nearest woman will just automatically take on the parenting and love any child they spend a lot of time with. None of this is a recipe for harmonious family life or well-adjusted, secure children. They are just my opinions, though - not facts.

I struggled to pick an actual question out of that post, but if you meant “why am I on this thread”, I think I addressed it upthread.

You're spectacularly missing the point that some blended families don't work well because the parents make shit choices.

Noone should move in with someone who doesn't love them. It also follows that you shouldn't move your DC in with someone until you have had plenty of time to make sure there is a solid and loving relationship between the new partner and your children. When that doesn't happen the children will have a high chance of being unhappy.

You try to make an "Insta" family and things are likely to fall apart with lots of unhappy people.