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Original poster

Is it just me...

80 replies

Rosebella215 · 27/07/2022 11:53

Is it just me or do most of the problems seem to arise when the agreement is 50/50?

It's just an observation and I could be wrong, but it seems to me that when 50/50 split is in place and there's not a 'primary parent' so to speak, that more complications develop. In my opinion it's because boundaries tend to be more blurred...

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LaCorOr · 28/07/2022 18:24

My step children very much benefit from our blended family. They are 9 and 11 and their Dad has them 4 nights. My daughter is 4 and I also have her 4 nights.

The thing that made them most unhappy about their parents splitting was neither of them having alone time with either of their parents, the other sibling was always there.

DSS (11) couldn't go to the park with his Dad to play football without taking DSD (9) who then obviously needed watching and attention. Even with the 3 kids, because there's 2 adults the kids are happier and DSS especially gets the quality Dad time he was missing.

The more adults around to love a kid the better, I say. I worried that it was selfish of me to meet someone else and change my daughter's world so drastically but the three of them are the greatest gift I could have given her. Her and DSD get on brilliantly, DSS is just lovely with her and they add so much to her life. My husband is a wonderful father figure and a very different person to her Dad and I'm glad she has that balance too. That's without talking about the financial and practical reasons why 2 adults in a household benefits everyone.

There may be conflicts and compromises in blended families, but isn't there in all families?

Kids are better off with alone happy parents or in a blended family than they are with warring parents who stay together. To say that the majority blended families are unhappy because they are blended is simply untrue. I don't imagine the majority are unhappy, and those that are, are they any more unhappy than they would be if the parents had stayed in unhappy relationships? Doubt it. It's just challenges that come from separation.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 28/07/2022 19:19

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 28/07/2022 09:46

As a childless woman myself, if I were to post on the parenting section of MN I wouldn't presume that my voice would be every bit as relevant as those of women who are actual parents, just because I was a child myself once. Of course I can have an opinion but I would be in no position to presume that my own perception and experience can be generalised across most parenting set-ups.

I grew up in a together family with a physically and verbally abusive father and a mother whose own coping mechanism was to work away so we barely saw her. You'd think that would give me some insight into what to avoid in my own relationships but no, I ended up married to an almost identically abusive ExH. Do I therefore think most relationships are inherently bad therefore children shouldn't be brought into them? No. It also helps explain why I eventually fell in love with a man with children because despite the step-parenting challenges I faced, he was and is the most kind hearted, loving and respectful person I have ever had in my life.

People with no personal experience of being a step parent often have very little insight as to the insidious drip-drip-drip of micro events and dynamics which appear petty or insignificant in and of themselves, but cumulatively result in the kind of posts we see on this board. It’s the step-parenting equivalent of “she divorced me because I left my dishes by the sink.”
E.g. something as simple as me asking DSC if they could put their apple cores in the bin instead of leaving them on the carpet - it was just a request, not followed by an “or else…” - resulted in mum angrily texting to DH “don’t let her discipline the children!!” So of course when a similar incident cropped up I knew there’d be “consequences” if I said anything hence the dilemma of “how do I deal with this seemingly simple scenario without having to run to DH each time to sort it out?”

Other SMs would also recognise the further subtext of “and how do I cope with the effect on my mental health by yet another example of feeling powerless in my own home, exacerbated by already having to live my life dictated around the DC’s access schedule which I obviously expected/accepted when I moved in with DH but I had no idea there’d be all these other innocuous events easily dealt with in a 'together' family but causes a shitstorm in a step family. I’m exhausted treading this tightrope where nothing I do just 'is' - literally my every action is judged and scrutinised and interpreted as evidence of whether I like his kids or not.” (I'd also wager that right now the anti step parent posters will be thinking something along the lines of "I bet Debussy was always pulling her DSC up in other ways and that was the final straw.")

It’s this kind of understanding that makes direct experience relevant when responding to posts on Step-Parenting but trying to point it out on this board results in accusations of only wanting an echo chamber. I know people think they’re simply advocating on behalf of the children but what’s so frustrating and unfair about this board is the underlying assumption that all step parents/step parenting situations are inherently selfish by default and we therefore hadn’t already taken the children’s needs or feelings into consideration before posting.
It’s the same reason that questions such as “were you the OW” are so unhelpful - SM bashers probably assume it grates because we’re offended at being accused of being the OW. However what's actually the issue is the prejudice that drives this and other “SM bingo” statements such as “does he pay maintenance?” (when it’s clearly unrelated to the situation in the OP) - basically an underlying attitude of “let’s establish why this situation is likely to be your fault”. It’s the equivalent of going onto every infidelity thread in Relationships and posting “what did you do to drive him to have an affair?”

Sorry that was so long! and breathe

But you nailed it. Right there you nailed it !!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 28/07/2022 19:26

I may sound grim and certainly not insta friendly but lowering my perception of how a blended family should work helped me.

Ignoring the what will others think of I do x and do x because it's right for my family.

@Greensleeves your entitled to think blended families are hideous. That is your perception built on zero lived experience. That doesn't top peoples lived experience or make it ok to make judgement calls on lives you have never lived. It doesn't invalid your opinions, but it doesn't make you best placed to make judgement calls on peoples lives either. I want a experienced surgeon to do my heart transplant, a gp could try the same operation and potentially cause damage.

Personally I rather like when sc come on here, at least they can offer their lived experience opposed to someone who's just assuming.

HandbagAtDawn · 29/07/2022 22:58

literally my every action is judged and scrutinised and interpreted as evidence of whether I like his kids or not

Yes this just absolutely sums it up for me.

Before I do anything - no matter how seemingly inoffensive, on a subconscious level (it’s not even conscious any more, it’s so ingrained it’s now reflexive) I’m thinking about how it will be perceived by DH, his DC, MIL, my DCs and the ex. Because I live in constant high alert that one of them will find an angle I haven’t thought of and be able to corner me with a ‘gotcha’ - I KNEW you didn’t like DSC!!

It’s such a low-level, insidious and exhausting way to live. After a good few years it really does start to take its toll.

Steptoeandson · 30/07/2022 13:32

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