Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

If my ex can’t have DS, then I have him. Even if that’s inconvenient. I chose to have him. If his dad let’s me down, that is my cross to bear. It’s not his partner’s job to look after them for me.

Work isn't an excuse not to have your children though. It's not like being ill or in hospital. You either organise childcare or, if you can't, you tell your employer that you can't make it in.

The dad shouldn't be letting his ex and children down, he should be letting his employer down.

@Perple

they are not her kids - why should she?

He is NOT a having them though. That’s the problem. Apparently marrying him
made the OP his nanny.

Just stop expecting me to be the answer. She refuses his other options because I'm at home so I can do it.

Surely if your husband tells her he won't be there & she still wants to send the kids then whatever childcare arrangements he makes are entirely up to him?

What’s your relationship like with his kids OP?
As frustrating as this situation is for you, if you are building some sort of family unit that includes them then refusing them will likely damage that. They’re not your biological kids but do you feel bonded to them? This scenario is not their fault and I completely get that you’re exhausted but they are old enough to understand what’s happening and will feel the burn if they feel rejected by your husband and you.

At the ages they are, they will soon be able to choose where they stay and with which parent.

He IS though. He is working and won’t be caring for them.

The OP is having to pick up the slack for her children while their father is working. His other children have another parent who gets to pick up the other end of that for the children she had with them.

Totally agree with this.

OP I honestly don’t understand why you’re directing your frustration at your DH’s ex, rather than your DH who isn’t taking responsibility for looking after his DC during his contact time? It’s his responsibility, not his ex’s.

Tons and tons of parents struggle to work childcare around their jobs. As a result something has to give- they change jobs/working pattern (often with a drop in salary as a result), or one parent goes part time or gives up work, they get additional childcare in the form of an au pair or extended family helping.

He doesn't need to involve her at all, it's his time, his responsibility. Just get him to hire someone to have the kids and get on with life. If he can't get anyone he needs to tell his work he isn't available. If he loses his job then he loses his job. This will then impact both families but then I suppose you'll be happy because at least she's being taught a lesson 🙄.

Like fuck would I want another person in my house disturbing my evening when their dad needs to either structure things with his work or sort it with his ex.

what would he have done if he had not met you the defacto babysitter @Nights11 ?

say no, mean no and go stay with your parents. Do not take on the wifework here

Not in this case he wouldn't be having them but perhaps in others it hasn't all/mostly fallen to the Op?

I guess the question is has he suggested any other options that don't include either you or his ex looking after them. I agree with others if he was the mum, he wouldn't have a choice.

And that’s a problem for the OP and her DH to solve.

The DH should not be agreeing to extra shifts if it means he can’t look after the DSC or at the very least be present in the house at night when they’re there. He shouldn’t expect either the OP or his ex to stand in for him.

It's their home. The OP can refuse to care for them but they're meant to be there for half the time.

I agree the OP going to her parents is quite a good idea. Then her DH can do what he would do if she wasn't there and either organise childcare or turn down the overnight shifts.

In 3 years time the 16 year old could be a great babysitter, OP....

Well, if he IS working and ISN'T caring for them, then he needs to STOP working and START caring for them. Or organise appropriate childcare. It's totally unclear why he thinks it's ok for the OP/his ex to pick up the pieces for him.

So instead of their father stepping up you think a useful plan for the future small children is to have their older step-siblings look after them.

No wonder men get away with all the crap they do.

I agree with you OP. She’s being ridiculous in my opinion.

Irrespective of how this current situation works out, your DH needs to stop paying extra to his ex, and you both need to stop accommodating changes at her request. She's not reciprocating your flexibility and goodwill. Immovable boundaries go both ways.

I don't blame his ex for not allowing OP's dh to 'throw money at the problem' by paying for strange people to look after them at night or for them to be in some god awful summer camp they'll probably hate. Their DC's deserve to be in their home where they can chill out.
As a stepchild, this thread is chilling. If my stepdad thought of me like this, I'd feel seriously rejected. No man should choose a night shift over their DC's.

I feel for his kids... Yes they are HIS however when you married this man they also became your step children

I hope to god that if my children ever are in the position to have a step mum that she cares for them and has a relationship with them rather then treating them as HIS or HERS.

Three adults in their lives and not one single person putting their needs above their own.

For what it's worth if this is short term I would be helping out my DH mainly to ensure his job and our income remained unaffected, but also to show that we were a family and all children were treat equally.

Yes its shit some parents arnt great but I wouldn't marry a man with children and then make them feel unwelcome.

I would also be interested to know whether your husband has told his employer that he can't easily work these shifts because of childcare responsibilities. If he's tried to get out of taking them on, and he's been told in no uncertain terms that he will be sacked, then I could understand his quandary more (although it still remains his problem.)

Perhaps I'm wrong, but why do you think he will lose his job? Did that come from him or his boss? My DH used to have form for this- there would always be a compelling reason why he absolutely couldn't inconvenience his boss by taking time off for DS even though it was more than his turn, and then when I probed, it turned out he hadn't even asked.

Exactly.

Your husband needs to consider what he would do if he was single.

nanny or au pair for the summer - and then maybe boarding school?

if there is no parent willing to take them for 50% of the time then they need some stability if their lives. I think boarding school has to be answer here.

their mum can move to full time and both parents get freedom during the week. They aren’t committed enough to parenting to cover 100% of their children's time.

it’s sad - but they need a permanent solution

You keep saying you don't no what kind of mother would turn down looking after her kids. It's not like it's a one off. What kind of father takes overtime when he is meant to be looking after their kids? It works both ways. Neither parent appears to be covering themselves in glory here but if it's df days then he surely has to make the arrangements. You say it's short term but unless your dh is working notice and has another job lined up then no one really knows how long this will go on for. Nanny's or childminders etc that's what your dh will need to book.

Agree its not the ops responsibility though