Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

While I think YANBU I'd maybe have to play it different.
As part of a blended family they are your SC so I'd use this as a trial and have them stay over while DH is at work then let him arranged daytime activities.
Are they good behaviour wise, could they help by occupying the little ones while you make dinner?

Just my opinion and if it really doesn't work at least you've tried.
It would be a shame if your relationship with DH had to suffer.

Equally you could then have the conversation with DH that as it really is a 50/50, unless by court order, all monies to the Ex should stop and that can then be spent on daytime outings/activities for the boys. Along with a contribution of half the costs from Ex wife of course.

You are doing a lot for him, but none of this benefits his ex.

I am a single parent
i work part time
when my children are with their father, and when I am not working, I often make plans.
No bloody way would I cancel to simply accommodate an angry and get up new partner.

They got divorced and put a custody arrangement in place… you are not in the same situation as her. And no I don’t think she’d be doing him a favour, they are her kids, but also why should she bail him out when he could sort the problem himself, it’s not her responsibility to bail him out. It’d be nice if she or your husband thought of their kids in all this but clearly nobody is arsed about putting them first.

so the op is now responsible for facilitating her husband’s ex’s sex life.

jesus wept.

if the company is as short staffed as you make out, they won’t sack him for saying he can’t work those nights as he has his children.
it’s not your problem, it’s not your ex’s problem - it’s you dh’s for accepting to work on nights he shouldn’t.

This is the children’s PARENT’s problem.

The children are part of your family unit at those times. Either you look after them or your dh can't work those shifts. Parents can't always work certain hours that's just life ".

No bloody way would I cancel to simply accommodate an angry and get up new partner.

She doesn't have to cancel her plans. Just stop expecting me to be the answer. She refuses his other options because I'm at home so I can do it. Erm no! I'm not responsible for their children. They can sort it out together like the parents they are.

100%. Why is he accepting work for nights that he doesn't have childcare for?

Eh? That isn’t what @Josette77 was saying, she didn’t mention the OP at all. Her point was she relies on her ex having his kids at certain times.

I think you are getting an unnecessary roasting here. Take away step children and ex wives and consider.
A woman who:
-has 2 young children
-works in a stressful job
-has admitted she is struggling
Why would anyone in their right mind tell her to 'suck it up'?

Yes it is the fathers responsibility to sort childcare on his days but it is in no way the OP's fault, responsibility or obligation because she is a woman/wife to take on more than she can cope with. She needs to be a mother to her own children and when feeling pushed to burn out adding extra grunt work is really wrong.

I will admit that I never, ever look after my SC alone after years of crap from ex and disrespect and theft from SC, haven't got years. Does that make me a bad wife? Bad SM, bad woman? No, absolutely not. It means I am not a childcare assistant or nanny!

OP, go to your parents, have a break, see if your parents can have your children and go to a hotel! You need to be healthy and okay and have the right to look after yourself first! Mental health is above everything here.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters it's his time with the children, the ex isn't asking the OP's husband to have the children so she can go on a date. He IS REFUSING to have them on his allocated days. And if I were the ex I'd say 'that's your problem'

If ex wife was still married to ops dh, she wouldn’t be getting any “ free time” so since she is also benefitting financially from ops dh working then yes she does have to suck it up ocassionally. If this is not short term( realistically if he feel the need to job hunt , this isn’t short term) they need to look at the arrangement’s again and not rely on op to provide childcare.

Bloody hell. Those poor kids

It's not the kids fault, they must feel pretty awful in this situation, if they are aware? Children hate to feel unwanted by their caregivers and don't always differentiate between caregivers the way adults would.

Their mum is within her right to say no, this arrangement has been agreed upon by them both. If he can't provide the care they need then that's on him. In an ideal world she would be more flexible, but perhaps she is afraid that if she shows leniency he will take the piss.

Would a better approach not be to get more help in the house, a cleaner or nanny? They would only be needed in the short term until he changes his job, it spares the feelings of the children and gives you support.

I know you would prefer to not care for the children, but realistically step families are complicated, these situations crop up allot. I do feel for you, and the kids, its messy!

OP, go to your parents, have a break, see if your parents can have your children and go to a hotel! You need to be healthy and okay and have the right to look after yourself first! Mental health is above everything here.

I think this is a good suggestion. Given you are under so much pressure yourself, I think extricating yourself from the situation might help. If you're not an option, I'm sure your DH will manage to find another solution.

That doesn’t make any of that her ex’s wife’s problem.

The children’s parents need to sort it out. Not assume the OP will just do it because she’s a woman.

If my ex can’t have DS, then I have him. Even if that’s inconvenient. I chose to have him. If his dad let’s me down, that is my cross to bear. It’s not his partner’s job to look after them for me.

The favour isn't for her though is it-it would be for Op's husband.

Why shouldn't he pay CM for his kids if he wants to & have them for extra times if he wants to?

@Flossiemoss yeah it's a total dream being a single mum. Lush to be the sole adult in the house, making all the decisions, paying every bill, getting up in the night, feeling guilty for everything all the time just to get those three days of freedom, that is, when the OP's dh doesn't flake out.
What do single mums do if their boss asks them to work a night shift? Do they say yes and work out the childcare arrangements afterwards. Erm no! They say sorry I can't do that, I have sole responsibility for two children. That's why we never get promoted!

If your DH was a single parent or you didn't exist and the mum also had work commitments what would he have told work when they asked him to do shifts outside of his working pattern? He would have had to refuse in the basis of bit having childcare. He agreed to do work outside his usual pattern without having arrangements in place. He really needs to go back to his normal working hours.

I think he should be thinking about what he would do if NEITHER of you existed, because it's wrong for him to expect this of you (especially as you're already so stressed. And I agree with you, taking on the bulk of the childcare and housework when you have an equally pressured job so that he can work IS doing him a favour.) But it would be wrong to expect it of their mother too.

What he would do if he didn't have two women to ask to pick up the slack is tell his boss that he absolutely can't take on extra shifts because he has no childcare. It's not like he just has to arrange daytime childcare- his boss cannot reasonably expect him to arrange overnight childcare to work extra shifts I don't think. I don't know what the legalities are here but I don't really see why their staffing problem is your DH's problem, especially if it means not keeping his custody arrangement.

They are their mother’s children all the time. Parents can’t always do what they want.

Christ. The concept of ‘your family’ is really flexible in fucking over women who aren’t the children’s parent.

Snap @JanJanBillyBearHam my sentiments exactly. He shouldn't have taken this on.

But his other options rely on the ex having the children and sorting out care or being paid more or the father having the DSC more at an unspecified point in the future. That all involves the DSC being at their mother’s house and not at their father’s where they should.

That doesn’t mean you should look after them. But I do think they should be at their father’s as agreed, as their mother does not wish to change the agreement, as is her right.

I’ll say again, maybe the mother is being an advocate for her DSC by expecting them to be at their father’s house as planned. We don’t know her reasons.