Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

This is one aspect of the child mental health crisis no one talks about: children not at the centre of anyone's life 100%, passed around argued over, seen as burdens, their needs not met or put above the adults.

We pretend scenarios like this are 'fine' for kids, adults should have second families to fulfill themselves and they'll make it work. But these scenarios play out over and over.
And it's not fine for kids, it's not what children need to thrive, it's shit and a recipe for unhappiness.

Adults just don't put kids first and we pretend it's ok.
It's not and we've got thousands of unhappy children.

This. I would find it annoying too (and have sympathy for the step-parent dynamic), but I’d do it for my husband and the children. I think marrying someone that already has children is going to be this way unfortunately.

So the ex is doing her share of the parenting but doesn't want to do your dh share and she's the bad guy? You can say no to extra kids although tbh if you were my ex's wife I would be judging you poorly. Your exs wife can say no to doing your dh parenting share. The only person at fault here is your dh for expecting everyone to pick up his slack. He needs to sort childcare/ask family to help etc or change his job.

Will he actually lose his job though. Especially if they’re already short staffed. Presume they’ll have to get in agency staff or something. They can’t make someone work extra hours if they have childcare responsibilities. If he was a mum he’d just say ‘can’t do it’ as have to look after the kids

You can say no to extra kids although tbh if you were my ex's wife I would be judging you poorly

And I'd be judging you equally poorly that you'd rather your own kids be with me than you 🤷‍♀️

He sounds like a crap father all round and a crap partner too.

No wonder the ex won’t be flexible as she’s used to him trying to get everyone else to raise his kids.

By the sounds of it your relationship is very rocky, so I’d be prepared for the same thing to happen with the new gf with your DS if you do split up.

What gets my back up with her is the amount she brings me up.

If she ever wants a favour and DH can't do it it's 'why can't Nights? Is she busy? Can she help? What's she doing?' like fuck off its not my responsibility!

@MalagaNights I agree. It's an unfortunate part of the modern age. I read something on MN which rings true on so many threads. It went something like
Jack meets Kate
Kate and Jack have Amelia and Harry
They split
Kate meets Matt and has Rhian
Jack meets Ash and has Isla
No one wants Amelia and Harry and they know it
We're so quick to move on and create a new family and these first kids, the ones who no longer belong anywhere, they just get left behind.

There is fascinating gender issue here. The dad is responsible for parenting 50% of the time but OP seems to think his work commitments are a good excuse to dodge those commitments.

yes I agree it’s not her role to step in and save him - but why is it okay for one parent to just decide he’s not going to parent? Why does everyone else have to pick up his slack? He has four kids and has a working pattern that is incompatible with family life.

I think OPs anger is focused on the wrong parent

But even biological children can't be the core focus 100% of the time! God, if I had followed that I would be a mess now. I had to look after my own mental health and DD had to spend some nights with GP when I had post natal depression and when work was getting too much.

When you work, have a relationship, friendships, hobbies and other family children sometimes aren't the 100%. Think about parents having date nights, should they take the kids?

My DD is the most important thing in the world to me but she knows I have a full life where sometimes she has to wait because when she grows I want her to have a fulfilling life and I want to be able to cope with an empty nest.

He's offered her more! She doesn't want it she just wants her time.

I'd be tempted to give her less, she's not entitled to maintenance if it's 50/50. If she can't be flexible then I'd stop being flexible too

Yes I think so too. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

Yes utter self sacrifice would be poor parenting for lots of reasons.

But adults should be prepared to put the children's needs above their own when required. That's what good parenting is.

Too often though now we think adults emotional needs are more important than kids and assume kids will be 'fine'.
And then you get too many scenarios like this where these kids aren't anyone's priority.

Am not advising but if you want to concentrate minds and increase incentives then say the DSC can stay and all maintenance will permanently stop so you can save for when your DP loses his job and you need savings. If you have 50:50 then she will to decide if her priorities are money or free time.

The bargaining tool is the maintenance, when DH has them 50:50. If he needs that to spend on childcare to cover the nights he’s working, his ex may change her mind.

Perhaps she does.

But you seem oddly determined to criticise her without acknowledging this is a DH fathering issue.

Punishing her (and implicitly the DSC) for sticking to the custody agreement by stopping the maintenance payments seems a little twisted for me. It’s something your DH does voluntarily - unless part of the official agreement - it shouldn’t be conditional on her compliance with having the DSC when it’s not her time. But go ahead and suggest that if it’ll make you feel better.

"And if he couldn't do it for a short term job issue you'd rather your kid go to an overnight nanny so you can have a sex life? It's not permanent, he's trying to sort it out, it's short term help for her own kids."

How rude of you! It's ok for him to have a sex though yes?

It's his issue to sort. Parents can't always work as many hours as they like due to circumstances with childcare. He needs to sort it and not expect his ex to take the fall on her personal time for it

It's ok for him to have a sex though yes?

It's okay for anyone to have a sex life obviously. My husband wouldn't refuse to have his kids if his ex needed him to because of it though.

is it court ordered or justg a verbal agreement

not saying he shouldnt have them but just wondering-my friends ex just used to say he wasnt well and didnt turn up to get them not alot she could do

really though he should have told work he cant do nights as he has dc to look after

But from the sound of it, part of the reason your DH wound never refuse to have his kids when the ex can’t is because he has you providing support. Another adult to supervise if he has to pop out or work, and to help cook for them etc. So he’s in a better position.

She has a partner as well.

But would he ever agree to have them on the basis that he is proposing you or she have them for? Even if it's temporary, there's a big difference between having them for an extra night here and there or suddenly drastically changing the custody ratio with no certain end date. Say, for example, her work suddenly asked her to take on lots of overtime and she felt her job is at risk if she refused, would he pick up the slack for her?

I agree with you in general on this- you sound absolutely at the end of your tether and I understand why. I just think you're frustrated with the wrong person.

Constant and maintenance all verbal, they never went to court.

What gets my back up with her is the amount she brings me up.

If she ever wants a favour and DH can't do it it's 'why can't Nights? Is she busy? Can she help? What's she doing?' like fuck off its not my responsibility!

I can see why you’d get annoyed with that but that’s not happening in this situation.

It’s your DH who’s asking you to have them - it’s nothing to do with his ex.
Take her out of the equation.

If your DH asks you to have them as a favour to him and you say no, then HE needs to find alternative childcare or sort out work.

This isn’t just a DSC issue this is a parenting issue that he seems to think the women in his life will pick up the slack because he thinks his job is more important than his kids.

And why is the OP responsible for all the parenting despite having her own work issues and hardly being able to cope? Yet the dad doesn't have to cope, because he has women around who he can offload his commitments onto.

I agree it's very interesting. There are echoes of the Covid/lockdown gender imbalances within families - the dad out at work/locked in an upstairs bedroom working uninterrupted, while the mum works from the kitchen table, does childcare, supervises home schooling, cooks and tries to stop the house going to shit.

Odd to blame another woman for not stepping in to save a man who isn't pulling his weight.