Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

You are right to refuse but he is wrong to ask her to keep them on his contact time. They are no longer married and age doesn’t need to pick up his slack or facilitate his decisions.

He has childcare responsibilities and needs to take that into account, not expect you to do it or his ex wife to do her parenting for him.

Absolutely.... he's effectively paying twice. Ex wife must be pleased.

Just a thought If you do go to your parent's is this something that the Ex will be happy with, not in a way she should dictate that you do but in a "ha at least they're not spending time together" way
Is she the kind that would see this as a triumph?

It 's the children's father who isn't treating his children as family. Their existence is so low on his radar that he hasn't even considered who is going to look after them when he's at work.

The OP isn't sitting around at home twiddling her thumbs. She also has a stressful, full time job, working into the night at home, and seems to be doing the sole parenting for 2 toddlers. Why should she take on the additional stress of her husband's other childcare responsibilities?

I'd have them and then never do her a favour and stop paying child support.

No she's more likely to be pissed off I imagine.

Maybe the mother is insisting on keeping to the 50:50 arrangement because that’s what the DSC want as they want come to their dad’s when they’re due to?

I expect your answer to this question will be that it’s always about what she wants and not the kids, as it seems you’re determined to criticise and complain about her. By doing that, you’re letting your own DH off the hook.

It doesn’t matter why the ex is refusing to not stick to the custody arrangement; she’s in the right as she’s following her legal obligations. It may not be what you’d do if you were her, or even what I’d do, your DH no longer has the right to expect her to always cover childcare in order to support his career.

Nor does he have the right to expect you to cover the childcare. This is his issue to solve, and one of those solutions may be you doing it, but it doesn’t have to be the only solution. However as @Greensleeves has said, the DSC do have the right to be at their Dad’s 50% of the time as it is their home.

No doing him a favour would be helping with your step kids, taking care of YOUR own kids isn’t doing him a favour. Guessing the main problem here is your marriage generally by the sound of it and that him
not pulling his weight is a wider problem.

Wait so taking care of my own kids isn't a favour to him but his ex taking care of theirs would be? Hmm... Funny that.

He needs to find child care for his parenting time. That is what parents do. This isn’t her problem to solve and it isn’t your problem to solve. This is his job.

No, I said you taking care of their kids would be a favour.

Why does he pay maintenance if he generally has them 50/50?

Or just stop paying her maintenance & get a 4 day pw nanny/housekeeper & keep them on indefinitely. Trade all that help for being in the house overnight, unless you get a live in nanny/housekeeper.

Yes but you seem to think taking care of your own kids ISN'T a favour to their other parent and yet people are pretty insistent that their mother doing it would be a favour to him.

So basically if their mum had them it wouldn't be a favour to him by your logic? She'd just be looking after her own kids.

OP, firstly mum and step mum here. I want to say I get where you’re at feeling totally overwhelmed and thinly stretched. I no, they are not your responsibility.

ultimately you need to acknowledge that this isn’t her responsibility to sort out. It’s his. And he’s at fault here and needs to stand up to his employer. And I say this as a household managing dual big jobs with C in the titles. Yes it’s less than ideal that she won’t swap but that’s her choice.

Ive done this before and I caved as I couldn’t stand to think about how the kids would feel, not just your DSC but your DC. Ours don’t view each other as “step” sibling but family and you need to think about the impact on all of the kids.

in short, if you have the space get a au pair or a nanny or a house keeper and take the pressure off a bit.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Do you have a legal agreement regarding child arrangements with your husband?

no, I didn’t think so

But they're children that live with you for 50% of the time!
Your children's siblings

Do you just pretend they're not there?

OP, I feel for you as your stress is radiating through in your posts. But this is just another situation where a man is trying to offload his responsibilities onto two women 🙄. Parents who don't have childcare in place can't work - it's that simple and that is the reason why many single parents are so badly off. He either needs to sort childcare or tell his employer he can't do the extra shifts.

I’m guessing the main reason the mum has said no is because there’s no time frame for when this will stop- she says yes now it could be weeks/months before arrangements switch back and it’s the beginning of the summer holidays with 2 older kids that will get bored and would probably then be arguing and fighting.

Truly astonishing that you can’t differentiate between the two scenarios.

Your husband has a problem.
As his wife you could choose to help him, or not, leaving him to make his own arrangements such as informing his employer he cannot work.

Your choice.

She is not his wife. She doesn't have a dilemma whether to help him out, not her problem.

You either help him solve this, or you leave it to him and accept those consequences.

Poor bloody kids.

I haven’t said that…or suggested it. But regardless, you said you are married, you're a partnership right? Raising your 2 kids together, bizarre that you consider yourself in the same position as his ex wife and that taking care of your own children is doing your current husband a favour. I don’t think his ex needs to care for them or you, like i said I think he needs to hire childcare and if he can’t then he can’t go to work at those times can he, maybe if he wasn’t expecting the women in his life to fix things then you wouldn’t consider taking care of your own kids a favour to him. He needs to take responsibility himself.

This is YOUR and YOUR DH’s problem

it is NOT in any shape or form, the ex’s problem

So you don't agree that I'm already doing something for him by looking after our children 99% of the time so he can work? It may be different in that we are married but I am already helping the situation with our own kids.

You taking care of your own kids in the house you share with your DH isn’t a favour to him as you (presumably) don’t have a custody agreement with him.

As his ex DOES have a custody agreement with him, then yes her looking after her own kids when it isn’t her time to do so in order so he can do something else IS a favour to him. It doesn’t matter that the thing he’s doing is work. If he can’t abide by the agreement for the foreseeable future (and there doesn’t seem to be a fixed end point to the extra shifts), he should consider getting it changed legally.