Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

Your SC are still your children and deserve the same care that you provide your biological children

That is not the role I signed up for and I was very clear from the outset. I help care for them when they’re here, but I not default childcare for them. If my DH or their mum cannot look after them they cannot assume I will.

They can ask me, often I’ll oblige because it’s nice to be nice and all that, but I will not let them just assume I will automatically do it and I reserve the right to say no.

My own children, their safety, happiness health and well-being are my priority and always will be.

I manage the kids “wants” fairly, but for me my children’s needs will always supersede my SCs. I would expect my DH and their mum to put SC first, so I don’t need to.

If my child needed new shoes and so did SC, then my child would be getting them from me and it would be up to SC’s parents to sort them for her for example.

I don’t love my SC “as my own”, I’m also not expected to which is why my DH is a good husband to me and I don’t expect him to love my kids as much as his own, and I’m a good wife to him.

We care for each other’s children, we’re kind, considerate of everyone’s feelings, try give them a happy loving home. But I can’t say I love them like my own, not even close… they don’t love me like a mum either and we’re all ok with that.

Your SC are still your children and deserve the same care that you provide your biological children.

They aren't. As I have been told and thrown in my face previously by the mother. Learnt the hard way and ending up using the "nachoing" method.
I care & parent them the same way when they are together under my roof. What rules I have for my bio children, I expect them to live by here. But things I don't agree with, I don't mention anymore as I have absolutely no say.

(If I had a genuine concern for safety, I would speak to DH obviously)

Your SC are still your children and deserve the same care that you provide your biological children.

Are they fuck and do they fuck.

They're not her children, she has every right to say no.

How many people have to say that it's the dh who is the assbole here.
Single mums the world over manage.
They either tell work no or find alternate childcare.

He clearly wanted 50/50 he doesn't just get the good bits when it suits him.

His ex wife can decide to help him out in his days or not (her perogative) but it remains HIS responsibility not hers on those days

His new wife the OP can decide to help him out on his days or not ( her perogative ) but it remains HIS responsibility not hers on those days.

Only one of the women above is involved in a romantic relationship with him & can be leaned on for massive favours.

It's that simple. It's his issue

The reason I think OP is being selfish is whilst I don't think dsc are equal to your own children (mine certainly aren't ) I DO think that they have two homes & the stepmum (OP) should not be allowed to say when they are there or not. In her circumstance if I loved my husband I would help but importantly she is under no obligation to do so.

His ex owes him fuck all. I bet he pushed and pushed for 50/50- twat.

I appreciate every home life is different but I genuinely find it sad that there are step parents out there who don't treat the step children equally to the bio children. My dh came in to dd life when she was 6 he has helped raise her, funded her edu cation. Supported her into adulthood, looked after her while I'm at work. She has never once been any less than our son. She has a dad who she saw eow when she was growing up and they have a good relationship too. I would not be in a relationship that expected any less. I understand not everyone wants to take on other's children and that's fine but then don't be a step parent.

@autienotnaughty that's great for you and I'm glad it works like that for you. But there's no need for you to be sad that everyone doesn't live the same way. That's a bit patronising.

My circumstances are that by marrying my stepkids dad I provided them with a very nice house to stay at part of the week that they wouldn't otherwise have had. I made it clear from the outset that I wasn't taking on a parenting role. My husband accepted that. No one is 'sad' in this house that I don't act like a second mother. In fact I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want me to.

Only one of the women above is involved in a romantic relationship with him & can be leaned on for massive favours.

The OP is ALREADY being leant on for massive favours. Perhaps you haven't read all her posts. The ex is refusing all other proposed day care solutions and demanding that the OP personally looks after the ex's children for her. Given that the OP is a lawyer, that would be financial suicide for both halves of the family.

That's nice.

Still being a step parent doesn't mean you become default childcare even if you love and care for them. She's not a stay at home mum, she works. The DSC have to parents who have the legal responsibility to look after their children.

I personally as a mum find it disrespectful for anyone to try and say they are my Dd second mum. My Dd has a stepmum and that's great I like her a lot but then again she's never had to audacity to proclaim what your proclaiming. Then again I would never have the entitlement to think she has to work full time and take on my Dd so I can have a few days off.

The SDC have a dad and a mum. Let's not pretend that marrying someone makes that parental responsibility vanish

Only one of the women above is involved in a romantic relationship with him & can be leaned on for massive favours.

This is one way of looking at it, and many do, but there is another way. He and his ex are the people who share a responsibility and incentive to look after the kids they produced together. They may have specific responsibilities within that, but ultimately it is between the two of them. Say he co-owned a business and was unable to do his work one day, but it needed doing, who would you expect him to ask to pick up the slack for him? His romantic partner, or his business partner? It would obviously be his business partner. Whilst they don't owe him anything and aren't romantically involved with him, THEY are the one with a shared investment in the business. Being romantically involved with someone is not the only reason you might ever ask someone for a favour.

The reason I think OP is being selfish is whilst I don't think dsc are equal to your own children (mine certainly aren't ) I DO think that they have two homes & the stepmum (OP) should not be allowed to say when they are there or not.

As for this, as OP and others have said, children that are not yet old enough to fend for themselves are only ever allowed to be in their home if there is somebody there willing and able to look after them. Otherwise they would be sent where childcare is available. It's no different because these are step children.

Did yoy miss the part where I said a favour & it's not OP issue & absolutely her perogative to refuse.
But it's HIS days and therefore HIS problem.

Literally no one else's.

@beachcitygirl No I didn't miss that, I addressed a different part - the often stated idea that he can ask his romantic partner for help with his kids but can't ask his coparent. I think this logic is flawed.

I didn't say he couldn't ask either. He can but neither is under any obligation to fix his problem.
I just personally think a current partner more likely to help.
Hell would freeze over before I would do my ex a favour (he was an abusive arse)

My partner is a supportive diamond who would do anything for me and my kids & goes a long way to care for me & help me in all I do and I would want to make his life easier if I could.

Even if I was tired. He is that good to me. I wouldn't want to cause him a moments stress because he gives so much more than he asks. That is the case in lots of good marriages.

I don't do blanket NO with him ever. But it would still be a massive favour in the situation described here.

The only person here with responsibility is the father.
He needs to realise it & act accordingly.
No one owes him shit.

I see that every step parent relationship is different, there's a number of factors; when you met, relationship with other parent, other children, how often you see them. All these things will impact on the relationship. It's the not my circus not my monkeys attitude I don't like.

Whilst I agree it's dad's issue I do feel it's something they need to figure together, either she helps or he doesn't work but it's their joint issue really as whatever decision he makes will impact on the op. Blaming the ex for sticking to custody agreement isn't reasonable.

It's fine if you think he's the only one with any responsibility to fix it. I just disagree that his partner is the natural person to ask for help, if anyone.

Like in my analogy of co-owning a business, he and his ex are the people who have a responsibility to and investment in these kids and their well-being. They may not like each other or want to do favours for each other, hence why these situations are so often fraught and the children's well-being is not always put first. But ultimately they are the people with any reason to be concerned about that. If they don't want to, it's nobody esle's problem. THEY are the natural back up plan for one another, not whoever they happen to be romantically involved with.

Still have to disagree with you @autienotnaughty - sorrynotsorry. And I'm not the only one.

And you're being unreasonable because honestly it's just a few hours after you get home that you're managing the children and if over 90% of parents can do it than I'm sorry but so can you...

Why should OP be expected to, when the kids' own mother can't be bothered?

Exactly this. I'm getting a sense from the OP's posts that the ex thinks her life should have just got a bit easier now OP is in the picture to do some of the heavy lifting that the parents of these kids should be sorting out between them. If anyone's attitude is likely to make the kids feel like a burden, that's the ex's as far as I can see. And yet people are choosing to scapegoat the OP. Typical Mumsnet.

I DO think that they have two homes & the stepmum (OP) should not be allowed to say when they are there or not.

'Allowed'? She's a grown woman. She's also expected to put her own life to one side to provide childcare when the SC are there. And yet she's not allowed a say in what takes place under her own roof? Yeah, that's fair. 😒

That is most definitely not what you said when you said you should view your SC same as your own!!

Your SC are still your children

I am not a SM but shudder at the thought of:-

a) any other children that are not mine being “my children”
b) any other person aside from me and my ex seeing my children as “their children”

The OP can absolutely say that she will not be responsible for them.

As a PP has explained, they are children and can only be in their home (however many homes they have) if there is an adult there who is looking after them. You wouldn’t leave an 11 and 13 year old alone overnight. So you need an adult willing to take responsibility for them.

There was only one solution in this dilemma. Dad should have made enquiries about options so he could work night shifts. When none of these options were available, he should have told work that he couldn't do it.

He couldn't be legally sacked for not agreeing to a radical change to his contract when he has childcare responsibilities.

@aSofaNearYou if you and your dh aren't close enough to ask each other for favours, that's fine. Most loving couples are.

Er, yes, that's obvious and doesn't need to be 'explained'. But OP is being used as that person, which entitles her to say no if it doesn't work for her.

Oh, come on, that's disingenious. There's a big difference between being able to ask one's partner for a favour and taking for granted that they will provide said favour, and a lot of the latter seems to be going on in the OP's situation.

Personally I'd have said 'most loving couples' don't routinely presume on each other's goodwill and take it for granted, as is happening to the OP.