Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

You're not a step parent, are you? Looking after your own from newborn is quite a different matter from having unwilling teenagers you barely know dropped off on you. These will be teenagers you don't have authority to enforce rules on, as well. Dad should be present, except for short periods of time, until the OP is sure of the situation.

This issue REALLY is not yours, but it is! IT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S ISSUE!
Basically, what he is saying is that HE can't find care for the kids during HIS likely court-scheduled time with the children. That is a HIM issue, not his ex! HE doesn't need to give the ex more money! HE needs to find care for his children while he is at work! That means HE needs to hire a nanny! This would be no different than her having the children on HER scheduled time and having something to do. In those cases, SHE would need to find care. Personally, kids are the most precious thing in the world and I would NEVER want someone who didn't want to take care of them being in charge of their care. So, if I were their mother OR father, you really wouldn't be the one I would turn to. However, with that said, DH is the one who needs to find care for them. If you aren't it, then HE needs to put his children first and find someone else to help HIM when he needs extra help! It shouldn't be a problem, since he is already willing to pay the ex-wife extra! Help HIM find the care he needs for his children while he is at work, so he can maintain his custody agreements and have his children cared for!

Normally, I would say that you bought into this situation, but children are different. NO ONE who doesn't love their spouses' kids, OR who is not a paid nanny, should be watching over them. That's a recipe for resentment from the children and disaster, but a good nanny at your home should solve your husband's issues and allow him to follow his child custody agreement I'm sure he fought for or agreed to!

So basically, according to quite a few posters, it's fine that the ex is so keen to palm her kids off on their dad for half the week with zero willingness to be flexible (even though she's been given flexibility when the boot's on the other foot), but their SM isn't entitled to mind this even though she's the one lumbered with most of the work involved, and because she does mind and isn't willing to be a doormat, apparently she's 'bitter', 'resentful' and doesn't consider the DSC part of the family. Erm ... OK. 🤔

Sometimes I really do think a lot of exes people come on to Stepparenting with the explicit aim of bashing stepparents.

it's fine that the ex is so keen to palm her kids off on their dad for half the week with zero willingness to be flexible

Palm off her kids? They are with their other parent following a separation. Jesus wept.

zero willingness is an opinion, not a fact. If an arrangement for care has been made, either negotiate or put in place the necessary arra gemwnts foe the care of the children. That's what a parent does!

If you Married the Man, you Married the situation. Noone gets to not parent because of exhaustion. Personally, if my husband said he wouldn't take care of my son because it wasn't his bio child, then I wouldn't be his wife. You can't choose him and then not want the responsibility that comes with that relationship. What parent doesn't work and isn't exhausted? I would never treat my stepdaughter this way ever. it's not like they are babies, they are old enough to entertain themselves. That man needs to step up and realize that you don't see his children as an extension of him, you see them as nuisances. Shame on him for not choosing someone that would choose and love his kids just like you chose and love him. I chose my husband knowing he had a child, and he chose me, and I had one. We don't call our children step... we say our children. You marry the man/ woman you marry all parts of them. Not just the parts that don't exhaust you. One more thing, His ex is their mother (Bio) but that doesn't exclude you from being a caregiver, you put yourself in that role (stepmom)

One more thing, His ex is their mother (Bio) but that doesn't exclude you from being a caregiver, you put yourself in that role (stepmom)

That may be the role that you have chosen, but you don't get to dictate how other families arrange their lives.

Have you missed the fact that OP has a baby, a toddler, a more than full-time job and she does all their childcare and, I suspect, most of the domestic chores. Meals don't cook themselves, and teenagers won't eat toddler food. Neither will the toddlers supervise the homework session for the teenagers or drive them to school in the morning!

God I'm exhausted just reading this. Not everyone is like you. I married my husband with the caveat that he should never expect me to parent his kids, and he accepted this. We don't all run our step families in the way that you do. That doesn't make it wrong.

Do you honestly believe most stepparents love their stepchildren? That's naive on so many levels. Obviously it is the ideal, but if it isn't there the stepkids really aren't going to be traumatised for life, provided they get warmth, affection, friendship and interest in who they are as people from their stepparent.

This is honestly just not true at all. It's convenient for the parents of the step children to think this but it is by no means a rule. Marrying someone doesn't mean you take on all their responsibilities - I wouldn't expect to have to do my DHs job if he was unwell, for example. Like PP I made it clear I was not taking on any parenting by being with DP and he was absolutely fine with that. Not everyone is you.

Yes, I understand how joint custody works, thank you. What I am getting at is that If the ex and the OP's partner were still together she'd have to look after her kids all week, so it's difficult to understand why she's so insistent on her time without them being honoured.. Judging by how she sounds, I wouldn't be surprised if she is actually rather liking being kid-free part of the time and doesn't want to sacrifice that kid-free time. I'm speculating, of course, but that's how it looks to me and that's why it feels like she's palming her kids off.

And anyway, they aren't 'with their other parent', because their other parent has to work. His ex could have chosen to be flexible around this, and is refusing.

BTW, it is a fact that the ex is showing zero willingness to be flexible, as you'll see if you read the OP's posts properly. This despite the fact that the OP and her DH have shown flexibility to her.

As far as I'm concerned, the OP is perfectly entitled to be pissed off with this state of affairs.

Those poor kids with a dad who thinks he can expect his ex to pick up his slack when he’s stressed and working a job that is inconvenient. As long as his new dc are okay though hey. 🙄

This is what summer camps are there for. Send them off on a jolly for a few weeks. Music, computers, adventure, whatever. Sounds like Mum wants the summer off.

I think all this kids as an extension of their parent thing is deeply unhealthy and dysfunctional.

They are people in their own right, not merely parts of their father. And people with their own personalities, interests, connections and part of their life entirely separate from their father in various ways.

SMs do not marry their SC. Most SC very much would not want to somehow be tied in to the father’s remarriage like that. Few SC want another mother. They are important to him and a big part of his life (and a SM has to be willing to accept that). But they aren’t part of him or part of the marriage.

it might feel like some sort of SM-berating mic drop point. But (like most of these kind of points) stands up to precisely no scrutiny.

@feistyoneyouare , some are attacking the step mother, but truthfully, I don't see this as HER issue at all! It is HIS issue! HE has a parenting agreement with his ex wife and that is between THOSE TWO! The stepmother isn't a mother to those two children and really shouldn't even be a factor in the discussion - ESPECIALLY given the fact that she isn't keen to take on the responsibility of caring for the children. The FATHER needs to hire a nanny so the kids can be cared for when it is HIS agreed upon custody time, regardless of his work schedule! He has to do what moms all over the world do - find alternate childcare arrangements! The stepmother really isn't even a factor here. The father needs to find a person who can provide care while he is working and they are with him, just like the mother needs to find care if she needs alternate arrangements during HER court appointed time with the child. Stepparents, especially those who don't want to be involved, are really non-factors in this equation.

ll4kidsuk.com/activity-sports-uk-residential-camps#:~:text=Children%27s%20Residential%20Summer%20Camps%20in%20the%20UK%201,Concord%20College%20Summer%20School.%20...%20More%20items...%20

Cheaper than a nanny and a lot more fun.

all4kidsuk.com/

This is definitely a sticky situation...tbh I think a court order/parental plan is in order here. A document that fully states all that your husband is supposed to do/provide for his children and what their mother is supposed to do/provide a long with CLEAR guidelines for pick up, drop off l, visitation, etc. Of course it's understandable that your stressed, overworked, and exhausted but - and I apologize if this is harsh - you're a parent and this is the role you chose. Your SC are still your children and deserve the same care that you provide your biological children. The way this is written is that you're fine with your own children but not your stepchildren. Tbh everyone here is being unreasonable because not one of you three adults are prioritizing the children. You're prioritizing yourselves first. Your husband needs to be the one to sort out his work schedule, deal with his ex-wife regarding the children, and/or take her to court. His ex-wife is being unreasonable by refusing to have her own children at home every so often (nights when DH is away) to help ease the stress for everyone. And you're being unreasonable because honestly it's just a few hours after you get home that you're managing the children and if over 90% of parents can do it than I'm sorry but so can you...

Given their ages, you could book them in for residential activity courses. PGL seem to have a lot of availability. 3 nights for £400 each. I was speaking to an elderly lady who told me that in the 1940s she and her siblings spent most of their school holidays at camps run on boarding school premises. Looks like there is a gap in the market for something similar nowadays.

Mad that 2 women who both work themselves are being asked/expected to scramble around so he can continue working with minimal disruption.

He has kids and they should be his priority. He needs to tell work no, he has childcare responsibilities.

That type of course still exists. I used to go on residentials at boarding school as a teenager.

www.summer-schools.info/tag/residential

Exactly what I was going to say!

Seems like the 2 women are getting frustrated and pissed off with each other while he can focus on his big important high pressure job

Your SC are still your children and deserve the same care that you provide your biological children. The way this is written is that you're fine with your own children but not your stepchildren.

You are mistaken. There are different step parent roles. There is the step parent who takes on the children full time, because the mother/father is dead/out of the picture. That is the role that I undertook, and it was an active choice to do so. (Mine were already adults, although the younger ones lived with us for years afterwards - SN).

My role with them is different to what it would have been if I'd taken them on young, as my DSM did with me. However, it is still a much more involved role than I'd expect the OP to take.

The OP's DSC have both their parents alive, well and signed up for 50/50. None of this was a decision/action that the OP was responsible for. I suspect that the whole edifice and housing situation now is utterly dependent on the OP's earning capacity. Trying to turn her into the DM's childminder is tantamount to lunacy....
Pull out one jenga brick and the OP, and the edifice will collapse.

Your SC are still your children and deserve the same care that you provide your biological children.

not a fucking chance.
I am not a step mum
and never ever will be. Ever. I don’t need to be a SM to know that it holds ZERO appeal.

most importantly, I know that no other child comes remotely close to my own. In a fire, I’d step over a SC to get to my own child. The last Rolo? I’d split between my own children.

unfair on any SC
so why I will never be a SM

I can understand why their mother won't take this on board. You say it's "temporary" but is there any measure in place to make it temporary? All well and good to say DH will get a different job, but when? If they child care issue gets sorted will he sure roll with this for a while and leave their mother (or you if you had agreed to help out) doing the majority of the parenting? If I was in her position I'd need a definitive end date to even consider it. That's where this situation is different from her asking for occasional help with a one off shift...
Agree with all the PP who have said, ultimately its your DH's time to have his children, he needs to sort this out!

Your SC are still your children

Erm no they aren't...