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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Refusing to have DSC

672 replies

Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:09

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

OP posts:
howtomoveforwards · 26/07/2022 15:02

Of course it’s not, that’s why dad has asked for some flexibility and asked to switch up the days so he can still see his kids. But mum is being selfish because she has said no

why is it automatically selfish? We don’t know her reasons, do we?

it is only eating into mum’s free time
you assume, you don’t actually know.

dad has offered to sort out clubs / childcare

dad has offered to pay for clubs/childcare. He hasn’t bothered to source anything for himself. he seems to be expecting mum to do that. On his parenting time.

Goldbar · 26/07/2022 15:03

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 26/07/2022 14:55

Yes I agree @Goldbar, which is why I think their mum is being selfish. Maybe he needs to be black and white about it and say I cannot refuse these shifts as it could put my job in jeopardy. If he has no income then the full financial burden of the kids will fall onto mum.

She's not his default childcare.

Crumpleton · 26/07/2022 15:06

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 26/07/2022 14:55

Yes I agree @Goldbar, which is why I think their mum is being selfish. Maybe he needs to be black and white about it and say I cannot refuse these shifts as it could put my job in jeopardy. If he has no income then the full financial burden of the kids will fall onto mum.

Maybe as both the mother's of his children work/are in demanding jobs he could quit work all together and become the main carer for all four of his children. That way his wife wouldn't have to worry about getting/collecting the little ones to/from nursery, doing most of the household chores and the Ex could pay maintenance to him.
I'm sure other men are the primary carer for their children and do the job wonderfully.

BungleandGeorge · 26/07/2022 15:06

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott he hasn’t offered to ‘switch days’ he’s offered to ‘make up the time when he can’ whatever that means?
ypu really have no idea what the mother is or isn’t doing with any of her time or what other commitments she has? I doubt OP knows that.

perhaps next time I could do with working late or to cover other people’s absence I’ll ring the social and tell them it’s their job to cover it because I’ve been asked to work?

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 26/07/2022 15:06

@howtomoveforwards
It’s only evenings she’d need to look after them if dad is sorting day time childcare, she doesn’t work evenings therefore it is free time. Hobbies, socialising etc is free time.

Dad has offered to sort out in the day as there are no clubs available at night

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 26/07/2022 15:10

perhaps next time I could do with working late or to cover other people’s absence I’ll ring the social and tell them it’s their job to cover it because I’ve been asked to work?

Don’t be ridiculous, the first port of call is the other parent. There are TWO parents here, and the parent being asked to be flexible works 3 days a week from home!

Her only opinion on it is that OP should look after her kids and she has refused anything else.

@Nights11 what happens if you point blank refuse to do it? Is she likely to just drop them off? Do they have keys?

BungleandGeorge · 26/07/2022 15:14

He’s offered to pay for childcare- that’s rather different. Unsurprisingly a lot of it is booked up/ only for part time hours/ a fair journey away/ not available for children of 11 and 13. Is a 13 year old really going to go to childcare even if something could be sourced for that age? He hasn’t even been bothered to come up with a workable plan. Loads of babysitters are available in the evening.

Greenleevses · 26/07/2022 15:37

It’s only evenings she’d need to look after them if dad is sorting day time childcare, she doesn’t work evenings therefore it is free time. Hobbies, socialising etc is free time.

You keep saying it's free time, but as PPs have pointed out, you have no idea what other commitments the ex has. Perhaps she's doing further study or has caring duties for elderly parents. Perhaps she isn't well herself.

If it genuinely is free time, and if, as OP has said, the father has bailed her out on lots of occasions, I agree it is a bit mean of her not to reciprocate. But none of us have any idea what other commitments she has for the time the kids are meant to be with the dad.

Grimchmas · 26/07/2022 15:38

"He has suggested multiple things and she refuses all of them."

From what you wrote, he has suggested multiple things which are all based around her home, and put her at the centre of responsibility of they go awry, both of which she clearly doesn't want.

Isn't the most logical solution that he arranges childcare help to come to your home in mornings and evenings? Would you be against being technically responsible for them when they are asleep, if another adult was responsible for getting the two of them up and fed and shipped around wherever? (In which case maybe he can arrange sleep in assistance with an agency).

I agree with you that this isn't your problem to fix, but it is your husband's, and being his wife it isn't unreasonable for you to work with him to try to find a solution that works for you both and his kids. Regarding you being burnt out - is there anything you can do like get a mother's help, nanny or cook/cleaner to help you to cope with your mental and physical load? With or without the step children it seems as if you are heading for burnout fast as a result of your H being at work day and night. I hope you manage to prevent that. X

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 26/07/2022 15:52

@Greenleevses they are all “perhaps”.

Even if she were doing those things, the kids are 11 & 13 (in lieu of any additional needs which I’m assuming they don’t have as OP hasn’t mentioned) then they’d be fine to be left for a couple of hours in the evening… just not for an entire night.

Studying, hobbies, caring for relatives can be done with kids aged 11 & 13 on their own for a bit.

BungleandGeorge · 26/07/2022 16:21

So they can be in the mothers house without her being there with/ without her partner there but they cant be at the fathers house without him being there even though it’s his responsibility to have them at that time? Do these young people need a parent present or not? Are they able to look after themselves or not?
You still have no idea whether there will actually be an adult present at the mothers house considering that it’s not a time that she is responsible for any children.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/07/2022 16:51

Studying, hobbies, caring for relatives can be done with kids aged 11 & 13 on their own for a bit.

I suspect that this particular 11 &13 yr old are not noticeably easy children... If they were straightforward and a delight, then there wouldn't be the issue. Perhaps they are more in the 'you're not my parent, you can't make me' mold. Being responsible for children for days/nights at a time, when you have no parental authority, is quite different to having them at home when you are the actual parent.

Ohthatsexciting · 26/07/2022 16:52

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/07/2022 16:51

Studying, hobbies, caring for relatives can be done with kids aged 11 & 13 on their own for a bit.

I suspect that this particular 11 &13 yr old are not noticeably easy children... If they were straightforward and a delight, then there wouldn't be the issue. Perhaps they are more in the 'you're not my parent, you can't make me' mold. Being responsible for children for days/nights at a time, when you have no parental authority, is quite different to having them at home when you are the actual parent.

Oh come on

with the way the op is feeling, she would have detailed in full detail in her op if they were very difficult kids.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/07/2022 16:59

with the way the op is feeling, she would have detailed in full detail in her op if they were very difficult kids.

Shuttling between homes does not make children better behaved - quite the reverse. The inconvenience and insecurity rack up, and the kids often take it out on the oh too handy SM. If she takes them to task for their behaviour, SHE gets a truck load of the brown stuff dumped on her from a great height for her 'how very dare she speak to my child like that'...

ilovemyboys3 · 26/07/2022 17:01

I would 100% refuse to be default childcare. Contact and custody if between two parents. If one parent is unable to have them then it should revert back to the other. What if your DH died.. would she still expect you to have then 50/50. She needs to act like a mum and step up when needed. Just because contact is arranged 50/50 doesn't mean she's only a mum 50% of the time. Stand your ground. My SC are 11 and 13 and they do require looking after, they need cooking for; cleaning up sfter and just having extra people in the house is more work

Heatwavenotify · 26/07/2022 17:06

Then all the more reason for the dad to be consistent and not try and pass on his parental responsibilities.

The dad running back to the Op saying the mum asked why they couldn’t be there overnight if Op was there, was stirring a pot between the two women. Probably because he doesn’t want to directly ask his wife the same question.

Lets stop blaming the mum for not doing the dad’s caring duties. He needs to work it out himself like a grown up.

And seriously let’s not start blaming the kids behaviour. Poor kids. It’s all getting a bit much.

Iwonder08 · 26/07/2022 17:17

This is crazy. He asked her for a favour, she is within her rights to refuse and so she did. She asked her ex for favours before and he hasn't trun her down. He also kindly enough pays her maintenance which is not due.
It sounds the set up is very one sided, perhaps it needs to be revised. She seems to be benefiting from the extra money and flexibility without giving anything back.
Ex is also clearly prioritising sticking up to her ex over the comfort of her own children.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/07/2022 17:23

And seriously let’s not start blaming the kids behaviour. Poor kids. It’s all getting a bit much.

No, why should this be brushed under the carpet? If they were no trouble, and the OP had the authority to nip poor behaviour in the bud, she might not find the prospect of handling overnights so daunting. She has nursery aged children, works full-time during the day, and then has full charge of her young children plus extra working from home in the evening.

If the 11 and 13 yr old could make their way to her house by themselves, cook their own tea, wash up, sort out their clothes for school the next day, including washing and ironing, do their own lunch boxes and get themselves up, breakfasted and out the door before OP leaves for work - there wouldn't be a problem, would there?

Heatwavenotify · 26/07/2022 18:01

It’s not being brushed under the carpet. YOU have just decided the kids have behavioural problems out of nowhere. That’s very unkind.

howtomoveforwards · 26/07/2022 18:43

Even if she were doing those things, the kids are 11 & 13 (in lieu of any additional needs which I’m assuming they don’t have as OP hasn’t mentioned) then they’d be fine to be left for a couple of hours in the evening… just not for an entire night. Studying, hobbies, caring for relatives can be done with kids aged 11 & 13 on their own for a bit

again, you’re assuming you know this woman’s life and that everything is as easy as you want it to be. Studying at college can’t be done at home, caring for relatives is usually done in their homes, hobbies covers many possible activities, many of which are not done at home. If the children can be left on their own at mum’s, they can be left on their own at dad’s also.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/07/2022 18:52

If the children can be left on their own at mum’s, they can be left on their own at dad’s also.

They cannot be left alone, for the reasons I gave above. And they most certainly cannot be left with an SM whose focus must absolutely be with her baby and toddler, interspersed with random calls from work. I'm assuming SM has no experience of looking after pubescent teenagers, because Dad has dealt with them before. Why would Mum want to leave her kids with a 'childminder' that has zero experience of looking after this age group?

Azalea247 · 26/07/2022 18:56

Ok maybe I'm confused. The mother of 11 and 13 is refusing to take her own kids?! That smacks of a court case right there. And what is DH saying about this? You being landed with all the kids and he's not around to help either?

Not the AH and I would make mom literally drop them off and drive away as a basis for an abandonment case. Get one of those Ring things to get it on camera. Have dad call and tell her you CAN'T watch them while he's away and THEY need to make other arrangements. Be there when he calls so you know as a fact that's what what said(phone on speaker). Record it if you think necessary.

Azalea247 · 26/07/2022 19:01

Um no one has experience looking after a particular age group until they actually do it. If that's the case she should not be looking after her own as she did not have experience before they reached those ages.

coolmaker · 26/07/2022 19:03

Azalea247 · 26/07/2022 18:56

Ok maybe I'm confused. The mother of 11 and 13 is refusing to take her own kids?! That smacks of a court case right there. And what is DH saying about this? You being landed with all the kids and he's not around to help either?

Not the AH and I would make mom literally drop them off and drive away as a basis for an abandonment case. Get one of those Ring things to get it on camera. Have dad call and tell her you CAN'T watch them while he's away and THEY need to make other arrangements. Be there when he calls so you know as a fact that's what what said(phone on speaker). Record it if you think necessary.

😂😂😂😂 This nuts be a joke:

This mum has her kids 50% of the time

How many men have no contact with their kids whatsoever. Should they all be taken to court and be forced to parent 100% of the time?

Surely on this basis there should also be a court case against OPs DP as he's not got them 24/7. Or is it only mums that your theory applies to?

Heatwavenotify · 26/07/2022 19:04

@Azalea247 You are absolutely correct….you are confused ! 😂

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