Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

It also by proxy shows they aren't wanted at mums tbh and mums actually there at own of their homes

Dads hardly on a binge stay in France is he.

If I knew my dad was working and mum wanted just alone time, I would be wondering why she didn't rant to see me, less than why would dad be working.

I'm a step child btw and it really rubs me up the wrong way when people suggest I'm a poor child because of it. Tbh

Sorry I am not getting it. Your husband and you are a team and you have a blended family - you want his ex to cover his responsibilities rather than you? If you don’t want to do it fine but then he of course will need to sort.

I don't think you should be landed with the responsibility op so YANBU. However it's your DH that's shirking his responsibility here - not his ex wife.

How did 50/50 come about? If he pushed for it then I have no sympathy for him whatsoever. I've seen lots of men press for 50/50 to spite the mother and then hand the kids over to childcare (usually another handy woman) as he works!

Your DH should also consider what he'd do if he was a single father? He'd have to negotiate with his work like all the single mothers do.

I do feel for you op but it's your DH that's putting on you. But if the ex asks for d'abouts again then I'd suggest you say no. Flexibility has to go both ways.

If dad were a single parent and not there, they wouldn’t be going there either.

All this emotive shite about ‘it isn’t their home’ is just that: emotive shite intended to guilt a woman into getting back into the kitchen where she belongs.

yes. It’s the husband who needs to sort this out. Absolutely. That’s why the OP should make sure she’s not available to be childcare for the children who aren’t hers. She’s having to pick up the slack for him
with her children, because they are her children.

it may be that the mother of his other kids has to do the same because he isn’t there and won’t be.

If the SC feel unwanted or unloved, it’s entirely because their parents aren’t making them feel wanted or loved. Let’s stop blaming the peripheral female adult and easy outsider for that.

Any relationship requires teamwork, irrespective of what the "work" is (kids/step kids/cooking/cleaning/caring for parents/DIY/earning money/emotional support) OP and her husband don't appear to function as a team here which appears borne out of resentment for willingly making concessions to the ex. That was the choice of you and your partner OP. This isn't about you having no obligation to care for the step kids on their dads agreed time, which you don't, it's about you and your husband not working as a team when needed. You chose to concede to the ex. Or maybe he did and you were stuck with it. Either way, no teamwork here

You keep saying they're not your kids - no, but they are your children's half siblings. As a result, they'll always be in your life. I feel sorry for the kids, being so unwanted.

Perhaps I've misunderstood the issue then- from what I gathered from OP's posts, her DH was offering to pay for childcare, but it would still be his ex's responsibility to get them to and from and care for them outside of childcare hours. I didn't get the impression that she was saying he couldn't use childcare while the children were in his care. I thought he was offering to pay for childcare but the children stay with the mother during the time he is supposed to have them, which is what she objected to.

Any yet no guilt tripping for the mum who biologically brought them into this world and wants her alone time ?
I have fixed it for you :

If mum and dad make poor choices yes the kids will feel unwanted and it will be nothing to do with the op (or the SF who also is completely blameless)

Jesus men don't need to keep us down, some women are so happy to do the mens job for them (sigh)

If care is 50/50, then why is he paying maintenance?

You don't pay child maintenance where care is equally split. Neither side does.

@shreddednips I imagine if that was the case there wouldn't be a need for childcare but may have missed something. This post did go from 0 to nearly 400 comments Uber fast.

I do know op has repeatedly said Dm has been saying oh what's op doing, why can't she have them ect and that really none of her business. Idk I would just get childcare in place and let the ex have a hissy fit if she's so inclined.

I love the 'and 11 and 13 year old are no more work, suck it up'. Trying to get either of them up in the morning and ready for the day together with toddlers, by yourself - when you have no real parental authority- and be out the door on time for work!??! That alone would be a mission. It's extra lunches, it's getting them off to bed, making sure they have had a shower, making sure bags are packed all probably on less than 6 hours sleep. I only just manage my 1 and 3 year old. I also work in the law and trying to get work done between both young ones waking at night and all the preparation needed to keep everyone fed and clothed literally takes all my time . No way I could add extra kids to this - especially who were not mine and didn't necessarily have to do anything I said! And what if one of them is sick overnight? Does OP have to take a day off work? She can't leave them at home!?! Stand firm OP! Your hands are full! Sounds like you are doing a great job and stepping in for your husband by taking on ALL of the care for the younger two while he is in this unusual period of work.

I thought is was pretty obvious that he’d offered to pay for childcare whilst they stayed at mums.
there’s a lot of talk about what your partner ‘would do’ OP, but what is he actually doing? Taking on extra work during the time that he knows he’s meant to be caring for and seeing his children. Is he expecting to have them at all in this undefined length of time whilst he looks for a different job? But yet your criticism is reserved for their mother for not facilitating his extra work hours, she is the bad parent for not wanting them? How about your partner who has prioritised taking extra work on over his family commitments. How much maintenance is he actually paying? Is that in addition to paying half of clothing, hobbies, school trips and all the other expenses?

Any yet no guilt tripping for the mum who biologically brought them into this world and wants her alone time ?

Unless you’re the wife you have no idea what she does when the kids aren’t there and the misogyny on this thread is absolutely disgusting.

The reason why she’s not jumping to help her ex out is probably the same reason why OP isn’t helping her DH out - because he made the choice to do extra hours and expects the women in his life to pick up the slack.

It’s shocking how so many posters think the DHs time is much more important than the ex’s and that her (and OP) should facilitate his plans no matter what.

Maybe he needs to start looking after his own kids and stop relying on whatever women he has in his life to do it.
It sounds like OP does more than her fair share of looking after their shared children too.

Op you have said he has offered to pay for childcare - but what you mean is he is asking for the kids to stay with her and she facilitates this childcare. The solution is simple they go to you and he facilitates the childcare.

"Yet SM must absolutely be evil incarnate". Oh FFS stop overreacting and going straight to that trope, most posters on here agree it's not the OP's role

It appears from the OP saying that she gets back in the evening just as DH is going to work that the nights are the issue. It is not unreasonable for the ex to therefore ask why can't the kids stay over (night) given there will be another adult in the house, one they are used to and who is the mother of their half-siblings. It is ALSO perfectly reasonable for the OP to say she doesn't want to be looking after them. The OP told her DH that if he's not there the DSC couldn't come. PP including me have suggested that they come and he gets someone to sit for them. The OP has not responded to that suggestion. Personally I think it would be unreasonable for her to say no to that arrangement because the DSC do have a right to be in their dad's home. I think her suggestion to not be there is reasonable.

As for the 'step father' - that's your wording, not the OP's. The OP said the ex has a partner. She did not say whether he lived with her, or whether he is hands on with the DSC or anything else. Although I suspect that now I've raised this, the OP will say he is a proper and committed stepfather who happens to be free to help mind the DSC at the times the DH can't do

It's the DH who needs to arrange childcare for his time, and who needs to ensure the OP isn't discussed as an option.

Poor kids.

Shocking attitude. You married a man with children, you share life with him but somehow you don’t want to share this huge part of his life which is called his children.
I am stepmother myself, and I can’t even imagine this conversation happening in our home. There was always an open door policy for my stepdaughters. This is their home too and if my DH is not here they just asked me directly, are you going to be home? I cannot ever imagine answering, I am but I refuse to care for you, so you cannot come to your own home.

This.

This. He needs to sort his children. It isnt optional. Parenting isnt just a thing you do when everything is going your way.

Speaking theoretically for these types of situations, maybe it benefits the OP and their children together for him to be in that role and do what it takes to keep the job for now. Perhaps if he was a single parent he’d not need to have that job specifically.

I think people are always looking for the most perfect and fair answer in step family arrangements, but they don’t exist. If you begin a relationship with someone that already has children then you’re becoming part of their lives whether you like it or not, and you have far more say in the decision then they do. If you then go on to have children together your further complicate the lines and everybody’s lives. That’s fine but you are the adult in the situation and the one with autonomy. The children don’t have that. I don’t doubt that the feelings are hard but I think to marry someone with children and expect to have a neat separation between responsibilities, without making a hierarchy obvious to the kids, is unreasonable and impossible, and sometimes a little cruel.

Baffled by some of the responses.

1. Yes, it's his time and his problem to sort out, however ;
2. He's done her similar favors in the past and pays maintenance when he doesn't have to
3. Either way it's not OP's problem.

Considering that the dad has been flexible and done the mom favours in the past, she should see it's in her own best interest to reciprocate.

I can understand being wary about a "temporary" situation becoming the norm, but she could specify that she'll have the kids 5/7 until X date in return for X extra maintenance, and that he must find another solution by then as normal arrangements will resume after X date.

OP, I do think removing yourself from this situation would help. If you have a good relationship with your parents, visiting them for a while is a good way to make yourself unavailable. And maybe you can relax a bit more as you won't be solely responsible for running the household.

When the point's been driven home that you aren't default childcare, you can go back.

It's pretty unbelievable. I am a single parent by choice and somehow, strangely, I manage to get through life without ever involving my non-existant ex's partner 🤔

And yeah I'd stop paying anything and stop being flexible with anything.

I think removing yourself from the situation would be somewhat removing yourself from being part of the team your husband and you are on together. It’s hard to tell from this whether he’s particularly at fault or just in a tough situation. However - I want a partner who’s in it with me together, where challenges are shared, where we, hopefully equally, take one for the team at times. Yes, you can say they’re not your kids, and you’re correct. But it’s kind of cold, if it’s just hard times for him with a challenging job that he’s doing for your kids too. Conversely, if he’s genuinely lazy, or an arse, then yeah, that’s different. But still shitty for the kids.

The OP has a challenging job too and physically can't manage two more children on top of everything else. She needs help or she sounds like she's going to collapse. Her husband needs to stop saying yes to work and step up at home or hire someone to take over some stuff from the OP.

He's not equally taking one for the team - as he accrues extra work responsibilities, he's pushing his caring responsibilities onto the OP. That option isn't available to the OP, who is having to do both the work and caring.