Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

Adults are complete idiots sometimes. See it every day in my job. Adults crap choices impacting on the mental health of poor dc who have no choice. Every single adult in this situation is selfish including the op.

All he needs to do is walk into work tomorrow and tell his employer he cannot do the extra shifts. If they are really that busy, the chances of him being fired are very small. It might harm his career progression, but that's not going to matter if he's looking for another job, is it?

It's really that simple - he just tells his employer that he is unavailable for work outside of his usual hours and fulfils his parenting responsibilities.

He has four children and is never home. Would you say this about a woman - she is trying to parent???

I think those who are not step parents should not comment on such threads. Being a step parent is NOT the same as being a parent to own children.

Yes people choose partners even if they have children, but that doesn’t come with it the same feelings as own children. It’s different, not sub par, not inferior just different for good, evolutional reasons!

Often there is conflict in the previous family and in trying to blend families and as humans we do not get it right all the time.

I am a (fairly successful) stepparent of 15 years and I was a step child myself so I speak from experience.

All of this ‘poor kids’ malarkey is often not the case, are these children still ‘poor’ when they get 2 Christmas, 2 birthdays, 2 rows of family at award ceremonies or at sports games, 4 parents to go to when they need anything material or emotional, an adult for everything if they want it (as often adult bring different aspects to a child’s life). My own DD does not have the wealth of support (or birthday money) as her Half sibling but she does have both her parents depending on the day she would choose either or 🤣🤣

BUT it’s also hard work for EVERYONE.

@Nights11 no advice but I hear you, understand you and encourage us to visit the SP support thread on here (when you get a sec 😬)

MalagaNights I completely agree, the poor children must feel unwanted at the fathers house. They will view it as they're supposed to be there but aren't really part of the household/family as the SM gets to refuse to have them.

I seriously have thought twice about DH if he ever refused to do anything to help me with DC when we got together. We were I family, I told him DD came first and he thankfully never disappointed.

As for this pathetic punishment of refusing to be flexible in future and stopping paying maintenance, we'll really the only people who will really lose out will be the poor children.

Can’t you see that she would have no reason to bring you up if your husband didn’t try and get out of having his children when he’s supposed to?

I doubt she’s suggesting you look after her children because he mentioned that he fancied a round of golf. She will only bring up the fact that he has a wife at home when he is telling her that he can’t look after his own children on his allocated time.

@Goldbar has it. He is choosing to do extra hours but expecting other people to deal with the fallout from that.

My workplace is struggling with covid. I am having shorter lunch breaks to get through the work but I cannot increase my hours because I need to parent my children. What makes him so special that he can just ignore them??

He may be offering extra money to his ex but I bet he is still financially ahead by doing the extra shifts.

ok so can I ask you a question. Let's say the mum posts on here that her children's dad has lost his job or quit his job due to childcare and now isn't paying maintenance. So she can't afford to work 3 days a week any more, what is your response?

@user3346315

Why would he not be able to work because he has DCs?
OP and the ex both work and they both have DCs.

Why is he less capable of having a job and DCs than the 2 women in his life?

If he loses his job then of course he can’t pay maintenance and he can have them more often to make up for it.

I always love these types of threads, where posters fall over themselves to tell the OP how her DH or she must absolutely give up their jobs to step in and be default childcare.

I’m a single parent and work FT.
The ex works and OP work.
We all seem to juggle childcare and work fine but when a poor man has to do it then all of a sudden it’s an issue.

He has changed his hours.
If his boss said can you work extra shifts then all he had to say was no because I have my children.
How do you think single parents cope?

Yet I have just seen a thread that step parents have 0 rights to attend anything related to DSC.

Weddings graduations ect so basically when it's things that are negative - poor DSC Sp hates you but when it's weddings, events positive things ect it's not a sp place. Come on chose a dammed side

Yes indeed. I did.

i managed it and was excellent at it and wouldn’t have had it any other way. My dc and I muddled through I’m very very lucky I didn’t have to work night shifts to put food on the table.

Exactly as one of the parents in this scenario doesn’t either.

and in this scenario both parents are present and able and have resources to care for the dc by parenting jointly.

so the dc can be with their mum overnight, their dad is happy to pay for them to go to childcare during the day. The dc can go to their dads more when he’s around at a later date to ensure the mother isn’t stuck with her own children for too many overnights. The dad has offered to do this.

why wouldn’t the parent who is around at nights currently, not be happy to have their dc safely in their own beds under their roof, whilst the other parent is at work?

@user3346315 you are right to an extent - I’d never leave my children in a situation like this.

I would challenge the 50/50 though (even if an informal arrangement). If it’s EOW favours are not such an issue but 50/50 means 50/50 not the mum bailing out the dad when things get tricky but with none of the financial support.

Oh. So she’s a bitch.

why wouldn’t the parent who is around at nights currently, not be happy to have their dc safely in their own beds under their roof, whilst the other parent is at work?

Who knows? Maybe she has plans that don't involve running her DC to and from clubs all day. Maybe she's planning to stay with a friend and Airbnb the house to make some extra cash?

What is true is that it's none of the dad's business what the mum is doing then since it's happening during his scheduled parenting time. All that matters is that she's unavailable for childcare during that time.

They’re his days, it’s not an emergency or a one off so he needs to cover them. She’s not the default parent. I’m not sure why you think he will lose his job? If they’re not his hours and he can’t do them because he has dependent children to care for he’s not going to lose his job, that would be discrimination. Believe me there’s plenty of parents who have to refuse all extra hours because of childcare! It doesn’t feel great saying no but it’s just what needs to be done. How much looking after do they actually need at 11 and 13 though?

If the dad lost his job why would he have the dc more than 50:50?

The mother works three days a week that’s not influencing how many days she has the dc, the mother is not paying the dad maintenance and she is receiving maintenance currently when she wouldn’t under CMS terms.

So why would the father losing his job mean he would need to take on more childcare? Would he get maintenance from his ex wife then?

.

I think the bones of this are as OP has mentioned so many times.

DH is willing to pretty much everything re getting childcare, extra maintenance (where none is actually due) and the wife is still like nope what about OP she's at home she can do it.

What I find bizarre in all this hate about OP is that the ex has a partner so a SF is also on the scene and he's mentioned 0 times. Yet SM must absolutely be a evil in incarnate for saying no. Fml 🤦🏼‍♀️

Op it's absolutely fine to say thank you and no thank you without explanation. Unless you were in bed with your DH and his ex wife at the point of DSC conception just because you married a man doesn't mean you become default free childcare and aren't entitled to say I'm at my breaking point.

Cut maintaince, stop asking mum if it's ok to get kids into childcare and put them there. If they complain say that mum said she wants her free time and this is our only option. And never do this women favours again.

I'm all for keeping things friendly for the kids but it doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. And if they can't work this out I doubt there's any point trying to be a nice person.

What is that saying "don't set yourself alight for someone would wouldn't piss on you if they found you in flames"

Lol. I doubt MalagaNights wrote that thread.

I would leave it to your oh and his ex to sort it. If you don't want to be responsible for them, don't be.

What anyone else would do is irrelevant - if you don't feel able to have them, for whatever reason, you don't have to.

But it is his time with his children, so it's for him to sort.

The choice isn't between the OP and the ex though, as to who is being unreasonable. The OP is entirely reasonable not to want to do her husband's parenting on top of everything else. So is the ex. The unreasonable one is the father who seems to think that parenting any of his 4 children is optional depending on his work commitments and he can just offload it onto the women in his life if required.

DH is willing to pretty much everything re getting childcare, extra maintenance (where none is actually due) and the wife is still like nope what about OP she's at home she can do it.

Why should she have to drop whatever she’s doing just because their dad now has other plans?

And this isn’t a one off - this is an ongoing thing.
So that means she’ll be having to drop everything she normally does every day, just to facilitate her ex who is choosing to work more hours.

Most men aren’t dicks and are happy to give money to pay towards school uniform, school dinners, shoes, extracurricular activities etc. even if they do 50/50.
Or do you think only 1 parent should pay for all this?

And the fact that they aren’t babies and can take care of themselves is why most people would wonder why they still can’t go to their dads house after school. Most would go alone at that age.
Which is why the ex is also wondering why they can’t still go to their dads whether he’s there or not.

All DH has to do is not work any extra hours when it’s his contact time. He has other days where he can do overtime if he wants to.
All the other parents in the world seem to manage this fine.

When parents share 50:50 residency and have set days it’s very clear whose responsibility the children are on any given day. It’s irrelevant what the other parent is doing. This isn’t an emergency, he’s agreed to extra work. He shouldn’t have. Like so many of us he has to fit around his responsibilities. That’s just the way it is. Why is he offering childcare to mum? Surely he needs to get childcare in his own home if he wants to work? Pay a babysitter if that’s what the children need

But I don't think that most posters ARE saying that OP is the devil incarnate for not picking up the slack. That is perfectly reasonable. But their mother is also being reasonable in not wanting to pick up the slack either. Her partner (the stepfather) would also be perfectly reasonable to say no. The issue here is that her DH has agreed to work extra hours when he was in no position to do so.

What it boils down to for me is I just don't believe that he had a choice between taking these hours or getting the sack. I'm sure that's what he's said is the case, but I doubt it's true. It may not be great for his career progression to turn them down, but that's something working mums do all the time. Why shouldn't he have to make the same sacrifice to fulfil his commitment to his own children?

This Op its a shame you can't see it!! You sound bitter thank goodness you were not my step mother (she was lovely & never made a difference) :
It's so sad for the children. They see their half siblings allowed to stay in their other family home, but they aren't allowed because dad isn't there.

Which sends the message that if dad isn't there, it isn't their home.

Grim.

@shreddednips I get that the thing is from what I read. Mum is flat out refusing any other option than DSC must at home with op, and that to me isn't reasonable.

DH has gotten inventive with childcare but mums also refusing that too. I can imagine a few jobs where the hours would be like this, someone critical in nhs springs to mind re consultant/doctor.

That said can you imagine your ex having control over your job, saying no you can't use childcare, nope you can't do this. It has to be you or op or you can't do the hours on a job you trained for. That's one of the problems here.

I get on great with my ex but shudder at the thought of him having that much control over my work life. I certainly don't think I would be expecting my Dd sm to pick up the slack.

It's give and take and if you refuse to flex then the other side has choices. I think it's relatively a stupid move to cut your nose off despite your face but granted some people are willing to do it.

As I have said though it is DH duty to find a solution re childcare and if the ex doesn't like 🤷🏼‍♀️ I mean she can just not like it. I imagine no one's gonna like the fall out of this tbh.

I'm a step child btw and I'm cringing at the amount of poor DSC. Cringing because as a child I may have thought like that as a adult I see my parents for being human and flawed. Ultimately it's DH and the ex's problem to solve (hopefully together) and as they were the ones who made the choice they have to battle it out.

That said as a mum, if it was nanny or my home I would chose my home every time because I like my kids. That's just my opinion obviously.