Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

Clearly 50/ 50 isn't workable and it needs to be changed but then she needs to receive more money. That being said its not her fault the shift pattern is affecting contact.

I would ask why he was paying her maintenance, and why she needed it, when they have a 50:50 arrangement they both agreed to.

This shouldn't impact her ability to work. And it shouldn't impact his ability to do/provide childcare.

But the mum doesn’t want the children more than 50:50.

neither parent is willing to cover this time.

the children need a nanny in the short term and boarding school on the long run. There simply isn’t sufficient parental time for them.

@callonme. No. Drop everything to make her beloved DC happy.

Extra time with her lovely DC without having to share them with her ex.

Stop paying her maintenance and tell her you’re using the money for a nanny.

She would soon change her tune 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

No, he needs to arrange childcare for his DC. That's not the same as offering his ex childcare. Who is meant to take them there and pick them up and look after them in the mornings/evening? Him or the ex?

If you can't see the difference between a 9-3 day camp and 24/7 care, then I'm sure most other people can. The camp isn't nearly enough childcare to cover his hours.

What is expected of him is to parent his children on his days, rather than making them someone else's problem.

Did you just suggest OP’a husband pays for his ex wife to go on holiday as a solution to this?

Most normal mothers wouldn't turn down extra time with their children. How bizarre

@afterdinnerchocs My thoughtd exactly!

@Goldbar I'm sorry but preferring your children to get shipped off to a 24/7 camp rather than just have your children whilst their dad works is vile.

Unless the mother is working or actually unable to have them, it's disgusting.

I was thinking about this the other day. If my childrens father wanted 50/50 custody…I would be devastated. Personally I would never settle for less so I would understand- but I would be devastated and also I would not get the financial support from him. So If he fought for 50/50 I would absolutely hold him to account for it and expect him to deal with it the way your DH ex is. If he didn’t, I’d be going back to court and telling the judge “you ordered this and their dad won’t/can’t fulfil it, so we need to change it”

Hes made his bed, if he can’t hack it then maybe the arrangement needs to be reviewed.

As his wife I’d think you’d support him and be more of a team but you do sound at the end of your tether.

I think he is being very unreasonable. He needs to refuse the shifts. What do you think allthe other single parents do?

Yanbu to refuse to help but if you are so worried he'd lose his job you'd step up. It's certainly not the mums fault.

The ex wife sounds horrible. Her children must feel utterly rejected that their mother wants to shove them out of their own home even when their dads not able to be their for them.

I can never imagine a scenario where I’d demand anyone have my DC because I can’t be arsed as it’s ‘not my turn’ . and in this case this woman is trying to palm her DC off on anyone.

She’s going to wonder why her kids never bother with her when the DC are grown up and have left home and don’t bother with her.

I’d stop all maintenance and hire a night nanny and childcare for the DC. Do as you’re planning and go to your parents if you’ll get support their and won’t be the default childcare.

why did she have DC if they’re such a terrible burden to her.

@thepurpleoctopus

'But that doesn't mean she has to solve her ex's problem'.

Again. Why would she see her own DC as 'her ex's problem' rather than just having them stay with her, because she loves them and wants time with them?

Who said anything about 24/7 camp? Most people would use a nanny for overnight childcare.

The other option is to TURN DOWN THE WORK and care for them yourself. Honestly, how do some people think single parents manage? They fit their work around their childcare responsibilities. This is what this dad needs to do.

I really don't think you would deal with it the same way. By the sounds of your message, you adore your children.
So I don't imagine you would refuse to have them and send them to a random nanny or camp just to prove a point to an ex. This isn't about the Ex, it's about those poor children!

But the dad clearly sees the kids as someone else's problem.

If people can’t be bothered to RTFT at least read the OP posts.
They never went to court, it was a verbal agreement that they have 50/50 and he pays maintenance when he doesn’t have to so she’s already the one benefiting from their arrangement.
I think his ex should be flexible and help him out while he needs it just as he has helped when she needed it. If not, then totally stop maintenance money and helping whenever she needs it.

why did she have DC if they’re such a terrible burden to her.

You could ask a similar question about the dad. And he had 4 of them.

What would happen if the dc said 'dad we want to live with you 100%' or of something happened to the mum and she was injured or unwell, would that still be a no they're not allowed to stay if dad's not there?

Agree completely.

I always love these types of threads, where posters fall over themselves to tell the OP how her DH or she must absolutely give up their jobs to step in and be default childcare.

yes because these kids will live on fresh air and have shelter under the shade of their fathers shadow. Instead of needing food and a roof over their heads.

The DH is looking for another job, he doesn’t sound like a deadbeat dad and is paying over and above what he needs to and has done the ex wife similar favours in the past of having the DC when it wasn’t his turn.

sometimes life happens and both parents need to pitch in and accommodate eachother for the best for their children.

He’s trying to parent by the sounds of things, he’s doing the best he can and is asking his ex to accommodate him temporarily whilst he gets his life back on track.

the parent who is time and money here can temporarily put herself out and have her own children with her for a few more overnights than normal.

as a mother I cannot fathom how any parent mother or father would find this unacceptable. I really honestly can’t.

I find it shocking.

yes because these kids will live on fresh air and have shelter under the shade of their fathers shadow. Instead of needing food and a roof over their heads.

And yet many lone parents manage to provide for their children while also being 'default childcare' the whole time.