Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

Or staying with a resentful step mother who doesn't want them while their dad works hardly seems in the kids best interests.

But something both parents would be happy to go along with.

I suppose it boils down to what your benchmark is for your family and home life

And for me and a number of poster on this thread…. This scenario sounds fucking awful.

but if your benchmark is death or situation, then sure - this family sounds blissful

Starvation

It's not his ex-wife's job to cover his parenting issues.

I'm sorry, but this really pisses me off. His kids aren't optional extras. Why isn't he arranging a nanny to cover this at home? There are loads of people advertising on child-care websites who need flexible working to manage alongside eg a university course. A woman in my town is a qualified Norland Nanny training to be a play therapist, offering out of college hours at £12 an hour - a Norland bloody nanny!

Why is it his ex's responsibility to step up and take the kids like a good little woman, when they are his kids, too? This is his shared time and he needs to step up and behave like a responsible single parent.

I've never, ever heard of a mother expecting her ex to just take the kids more or less full-time in this way.

Should add that this is not your responsibility either, and I wholly agree that it's not fair for you to do it. But it IS his. And you are out of line judging an ex who doesn't want him to manage to wriggle out of his responsibilities by dumping them on one woman, because another (you) has quite reasonably said no.

There's probably a very good reason he's her ex. If my husband behaved like this with our kids, he'd be mine, too.

Here you go. Childcare qualified people with enhanced DBS checks who would bite his arm off, being paid to keep an eye on kids that old and non-demanding. He could even find some who are trainee teachers who could offer tutoring! www.childcare.co.uk

What is your husband now saying about this situation?

@acuteanxiety i think calling the entire family toxic (x 3) is going too far, but I do think the DH’a behaviour and approach here is problematic.

@MalagaNights I don’t think staying with a paid nanny in their DH’s home - their own home- is going to be too bad. They’re old enough to do their own things, and may want that time in their DH’s house and the chance to at least see him at breakfast.

I completely agree flexibility and trust is important but parents rely on the 50:50 arrangements and can’t just change their own working plans to cover the other indefinitely. I work from home, I couldn’t do it as effectively with an 11yo and 13 at home; yeah you can stick them in front of a TV all day but not guarantee they won’t squabble loudly or repeatedly come and ask for snacks or complain there’s nothing to eat in the house. I could do it for a short period of time, but it wouldn’t t be tenable for weeks and weeks, let alone months and months.

But will his work situation improve? In my experience, if people bend over backwards to cover, employers often just continue with the situation, and so it might not be temporary, but a long ongoing thing. That would be my worry if I was his ex. Not saying it’s OPs problem, but definitely her DH’s. Why would ex refuse his offer to pay daycare? He can arrange the daycare himself (or was he expecting ex to do that?)and then ex wouldn’t need to be involved with organising it if he’s paying, so no need to get her approval.

I can imagine the ex might well be reluctant to help as that would mean he just carries on relying on her while he takes the work. She may have to make it difficult to ensure he steps up.

I get that.

It's just shit for kids when parents are like this instead of working together for their children.

@Nights11 this seems like a hot mess, this situation and this thread feels like it would be very difficult to take. Some people have been really supportive, some really critical. I think, if you took a few steps back you might see that whatever people say, there really is only one person who has put you in this position. Your husband.

He has taken on shifts that mean he can’t take care of his children as he has agreed. He has allowed his coparenting relationship with his ex wife become your problem, and it also sounds as though he has expected you to pick up the slack with your own child too. He should never have agreed to them on the assumption that one of the women in his life would bale him out.

No one is in dispensable, he could and should say no to extra shifts he’s not available for, it might be uncomfortable but he has every right to have a family life and to take care of his children, and any workplace insisting otherwise would have a serious legal case on their hands. He’s really the only person in this situation who owes you anything.

As you keep saying though…..it’s short term. And you won’t have it that this is your family problem, not the ex wife at all. I’d be really disappointed in my current partner/wife for making this more difficult. Not my ex-partner whom we’ve made this agreement of 50:50.

if ex has plans on those days what do you propose? And yes he should stop the extras he does, but that’s not the current problem and I think you should be supporting if it’s so short term.

If you're unable/unwilling to help then he needs to behave like a single parent would for the 50% of time that he's due to have his DC

Yes, in an ideal world their mum would do more but she doesn't have to and if it doesn't suit her or she doesn't want to then that's her prerogative.

I have a bad relationship with my exH and he's completely inflexible with his contact (which is only one night a week) so I've had to learn I can't rely on him for "extra"

This for me sums up the issue and shows the crux of the problem. Op, you and the ex wife, from what we can see, are so cross and frustrated with each other, and probably judging each other.

What purpose does this serve? Do you feel better for having this anger/frustration? No, I bet it adds even more to your stress and state of mind. And does she benefit from thinking you're the solution to childcare problems and being frustrated with you when you won't/can't? No, I very much doubt she does.

Both you and the ex can step back here. It's not ex's contact time. You don't have to agree with her choice to say no, but I hope you

It wouldn't hurt you to have the children, as they will be fairly independent and can help you - as one poster says.

They see it that they have two homes. 50:50 must create that sense.

I think your husband's ex is probably a bit blind-sided by the sudden change to a formal arrangement. People get like that. They dislike change and fear that it will be the thin end of the wedge. They fear that everything will keep changing. However, I've no idea why she doesn't think about it, and then compromise. Maybe she has a new boyfriend staying over, on the nights when the kids are away. . If you work weekdays and not weekends, I think that you could offer to have the older children at the weekend, when you won't be working. Do something nice with them and the little ones. I have to say, it won't sound very generous of you, or loving, if you refuse. It will sound, I think, as though you think that the older kids are HIS and nothing to do with YOU, as you have your own family and the two oldest are HER children....which isn't the pretty way blended families lies are supposed to function, when everybody is being kind and tolerant and supportive.

If your husband really feels that it will make a big financial difference working overtime, then it could be that all of you will reap the big benefit - if he brings in most of the income. Is he being fair? Is being accurate? Does it really make that much financial difference? Only you lot in the frame, actually know. I, personally, do prioritise the importance of making money when it's there to be made, and of protecting your job, and think that only the person doing the job can really red that situation.

The way you've described it sounds like you are working very, very hard and he is too. Is it really that intense, all of the time?

Gah!

.... but I hope you can respect that she is entitled to make this choice. Stop wasting energy on her - you don't have much to give :(

And if I could talk to her, I'd say the name. She can be cross with you for not doing this childcare, but I'd suggest she respects that you're entitled to this choice.

So enter.....your DH. He needs to sort this. His ex doesn't get to refuse how he sorts it. And you can refuse to be part of the solution.

Please give yourself a big break by trying to calm the feelings towards the ex, make plans that suit you (going to your parents), and let DH crack on.

Op it’s absolutely not your problem to solve. It’s your choice whether to help your DH or not. I think pretty much everyone is in agreement.
What people are saying is that it is not his ex to blame because it is not her problem either.
You are quite within your rights to not extend flexibility in the future. But do realise that she is not being asked to have an extra night here or there. She is being asked to take on your DH’s commitments indefinitely. That is really quite different.
Very unreasonable to expect her to suck it up. Your DH needs to sort his priorities and you need to stop blaming the ex because your DH is falling very short of his responsibilities.
Leave him to it. He can get a nanny to live in. Problem solved 🍻

The thing I'm struggling with here is the older DC's mum's response. If DH and I had split up I would have wanted the DC 100% of the time if I could.

My DSis is a single mum and she is the same. Her ex has their DD most Saturdays, but if he can't she stays home with her mum.

Refuse.

What a horrible mother refusing to have her children whilst their dad works hard to earn a living.

No. It isn't the ex's contact time, but she is treating them like a problem / inconvenience rather than her own children that she loves.

Because he is working so can't have them. He isn't going down the pub for a piss up.

So she isn't expected to step up like a good little women... these are her children?! Most normal mothers wouldn't turn down extra time with their children. How bizarre

It's very simple, your dh cannot work when he has to look after his children if he doesn't organise something. Can you not see this is his problem to sort?

Exactly!

He’s the only one in the wrong here as he has changed his hours and expects the ex to drop everything she’s doing to facilitate him or the OP to look after 2 more of his kids.

He has asked the ex if she can have them - she’s said no.
He has asked OP is she can have them - she’s said no.

It doesn’t matter what either of their reasons are but it’s up to him to find alternative care or not go in to work like the rest of us have to.

No. It isn't the ex's contact time, but she is treating them like a problem / inconvenience rather than her own children that she loves.

No she’s just busy but I guess as a female she’s expected to drop everything just to make her ex happy.

It’s DH and OP who are treating them like an inconvenience but at least OP has a right to feel annoyed when her DH treats her like an unpaid nanny to her DS and DSC.

@whiteroseredrose

"No. It isn't the ex's contact time, but she is treating them like a problem / inconvenience rather than her own children that she loves."

Oh, she's not coming out of this smelling like roses at all. But that doesn't mean she has to solve her ex's (Op's DH's) problem.

And neither does the Op.

I agree with others that he's got two women picking up HIS slack, and they're judging each other, and we're judging them too. DH is the one who needs to sort this.

Because he is working so can't have them. He isn't going down the pub for a piss up.

Working isn't an excuse for not having your children. Parents are expected to arrange childcare for their children while they are working.

@CallOnMe ok so can I ask you a question. Let's say the mum posts on here that her children's dad has lost his job or quit his job due to childcare and now isn't paying maintenance. So she can't afford to work 3 days a week any more, what is your response?

OP has said that he has offered all this to her. I'm just not sure what is expected of him?