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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Refusing to have DSC

672 replies

Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:09

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 25/07/2022 19:33

He shouldn’t be paying it if he has the kids 50/ 50 anyway.

Lots if dads pay maintenance on top for things like school uniform, dinner money and trips etc.
It sometimes makes it easier if one person buys it.

SD1978 · 25/07/2022 19:34

This is all on your DH. She is being expected to work with them in the house, regardless of their age, this makes for a more difficult day, and then entertain them in the evening and he can't fullfill his duties. It's not only about chucking more money at something- he's expecting her to change her life, because his is busy. No one would should be expecting you to- but this also shouldn't have to be her ongoing issue either.

femfemlicious · 25/07/2022 19:34

Yiur husband should Get a babysitter to pick them up from clubs and bring them home!

Fizzgigg · 25/07/2022 19:35

OP you haven't clarified your DH situation at work. If he was a single parent he wouldn't have been able to say yes to a change in his working pattern or to take on extra shifts - a situation that single parents face all the time. Why do you say he'd lose his job? How did this situation at work come about as he shouldn't have agreed to shift changes without childcare in place

Afterdinnerchocs · 25/07/2022 19:36

I'm not a step parent but I have to agree with you that mum is being unreasonable.
If me and my husband split up and he had another family but couldn't have our children because of work, I wouldn't expect the new wife to have my kids if I could reasonably accommodate them being at home. I'd just enjoy my extra time with them and accept the extra money being offered so I could do things with them. Even if it was me working during the day while my kids watch TV or play on their games and then a takeaway and movie night thanks to dad's contribution.
Only in an emergency or if I had to go to work would I not say yes to having my children at my house

Newmum110 · 25/07/2022 19:36

The only person being unreasonable is your DH. It is not up to you or exwife to facilitate/cover his time. You need to take a few data away with your children and leave him to deal with step children. He can get a college student or similar to stay over, at this age they don't need minding just supervision.
Also wondering what he does at home all day if you have to do child collections cook dinner etc?????
Finally I have always been told as a single parent that maintenance payments & visitation should always be kept separate. Wouldn't go dragging it into this argument but deffo something for your DH to look at if he wants to.

Prunel · 25/07/2022 19:40

Nights11 · 25/07/2022 16:33

I just hope he refuses to help any time she wants to go out/on holiday/ work overtime on her time with DSC which has been plenty over the years. She's take take take all the time but never returns it at all the other way around.

I get that it’s frustrating
but surely he wants to and likes spending time with them

he’s not going to look back when they’re adults and say I regret having them so much, it would’ve been better to see them less and make exs life a bit harder.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2022 19:42

MalagaNights · 25/07/2022 19:15

Presumably he gives her money to help his children?

Presumably. She could give him money to help her children. Or pitch in and help a bit while he’s working to partly fund the additional cash he gives her.

DuchessDarty · 25/07/2022 19:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2022 19:13

He’s giving her money as a kindness. He has the sake costs for keeping their shared children as she does and because he was trying to be nice he’s been voluntarily giving her money. It’s a gift. It’s a favour. It’s above and beyond. Of course it should be conditional on flexibility being mutual. Otherwise she’s taking the piss and he’s being a doormat.

When you do something nice for someone, a big favour that means your own household misses out while theirs benefits, you don’t expect them to be grateful and cooperative.

This woman is being neither and so the favours stop.

It wasn’t OP who suggested stopping it, it was other people and she’s right to agree.

Being a divorced mother doesn’t make the a saint, victim or martyr.

Show quote history

Is he giving her money as a kindness? We don’t know for sure that it isn’t part of their contractual agreement, albeit voluntarily agreed to by him. We don’t know if it’s a necessity for the kids’ same due to her income being low and his much higher.

It’s not the DH stopping paying maintenance per se I find twisted, it’s the OP and others’ apparent wish to make the ex suffer. There’s a strong anti-DSC mum agenda amongst a small minority of posters in this section; most of the troll posts that get deleted are of this flavour. I’m a stepmother and I agree the OP shouldn’t be expected by her DH to cover his slack; I see this as a DH issue as it’s his time with the kids. Bashing the DSC mum in this instance is distasteful imo and isn’t something I’m going to join in with despite being a stepmother.

It’s over-dramatic and unnecessary to say that being a divorced mother doesn’t make the woman a saint, victim or martyr. No one is suggesting she is, you’re projecting.

OurChristmasMiracle · 25/07/2022 19:44

Being honest you sound very eager to blame her for not helping whilst completely ignoring that it is in fact your husbands time with his kids and he has chosen to take on extra shifts expecting someone else (you or his ex) to pick up the slack and throw money at the problem with no clear end date in sight

it’s very different to say “can you have the kids on Friday as well because I need to go to doctor/hospital/want to go with friends. I don’t mind swapping days” to “oh we are short staffed at work, I’m looking to leave but need to do night shifts so can’t have the kids for an indefinite period”

she may well need that time for her own sanity and may have other things that she needs to do in that time that she doesn’t feel the need to share with you or your husband

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2022 19:45

Ohthatsexciting · 25/07/2022 19:21

The thought that this is some peoples’ home life and, more importantly, some childrens’ - horrific

Oh cry me a bloody river. They have two parents who share equal care and may have to spend more time than usual with one of them. No one’s dying or going hungry.

Chooksnroses · 25/07/2022 19:46

Poor kids. Nobody wants them.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 25/07/2022 19:51

Chooksnroses · 25/07/2022 19:46

Poor kids. Nobody wants them.

Moralise at their parents. And the people who think their mum is a PT parent.

yes he’s shit. But she doesn’t want them either. The people who made these children.

and that is why the OP should bugger off for a holiday at her mum’s with her small children. She’s dealing with her husband taking on extra work.

the SC’s parents can figure out their children’s care themselves.

autienotnaughty · 25/07/2022 19:52

@Afterdinnerchocs would you really? So you and your dh split , he remarries starts anew family and suddenly is dropping how often he has kids. And not only that he expects to have them when ever it suits him and you have to fit in to that.

MalagaNights · 25/07/2022 19:56

What these kids actually need is 2 parents who work together to ensure they are secure and prioritised by both.

That ideally requires flexibility and trust.

The ex isn't being flexible which doesn't seem in the children's interests and we don't know why.

This is the problem with court agreements they don't really provide what children need: parents who work together in the kids best interests, just a set of rules to force people into a seemingly reasonable truce.

But that's not really what kids need; as soon as something changes the whole thing is too rigid and then doesn't put kids first.

Iwonder08 · 25/07/2022 19:57

And here we go with 'these poor kids'. OP, I totally understand your frustration however I would try to use this situation to your advantage for the future:

  1. under no circumstances he is changing any more plans to accommodate her requests going forward
  2. he stops paying maintenance which is not due given 50-50 access
shreddednips · 25/07/2022 19:58

Fizzgigg · 25/07/2022 19:35

OP you haven't clarified your DH situation at work. If he was a single parent he wouldn't have been able to say yes to a change in his working pattern or to take on extra shifts - a situation that single parents face all the time. Why do you say he'd lose his job? How did this situation at work come about as he shouldn't have agreed to shift changes without childcare in place

This is what I can't grasp!

Afterdinnerchocs · 25/07/2022 19:59

autienotnaughty · 25/07/2022 19:52

@Afterdinnerchocs would you really? So you and your dh split , he remarries starts anew family and suddenly is dropping how often he has kids. And not only that he expects to have them when ever it suits him and you have to fit in to that.

Yes because they are my kids and it's mine and their dad's responsibility to make sure they are looked after. Not the step mothers job, mine and his. If they can't be with dad for whatever reason then why wouldn't they be with me.

acuteanxiety · 25/07/2022 20:01

I hear you but you married him knowing this

He could go look after them alone for 50% of them time in another apartment? Would you like that? So he was part time with you and part time with them?

My heart is breaking for these kids. Nobody wants them🙁🙁 they are your step children, not just a random kid. I'm so so so so sad reading this.

This is why I hate it when people split up. The kids suffer so much. Just grim.

I am really shocked you can't just have them as per your agreement, and get your husband to stop working the extra shifts.

HappyHappyHermit · 25/07/2022 20:02

It's very simple, your dh cannot work when he has to look after his children if he doesn't organise something. Can you not see this is his problem to sort? He doesn't even need to explain to her what the solution is if he doesn't want to, he just needs to do it or say no to working.
I'm not really sure his work are in a position to fire him anyway if they are so short staffed.

diddl · 25/07/2022 20:03

This is the problem with court agreements they don't really provide what children need: parents who work together in the kids best interests, just a set of rules to force people into a seemingly reasonable truce.

But in this case the father really has changed things by working nights & for an unknown amount of time.

Does that effectively mean that he can't have them day or night for the foreseeable future?

DuchessDarty · 25/07/2022 20:04

@MalagaNights

The OP has since said it’s not a court agreement.

The mum not being flexible MAY be in the DSC’s best interests; they may really want and need that consistent time at their DH’s house including time with their (half) siblings. The mum may be advocating for her DC here, we don’t know.

What we also don’t know is whether she thinks that this “not permanent” arrangement of the DH not being able to do his days & nights could go on for months and months… She may think this from last experience. We don’t know.

And really it’s irrelevant what the ex thinks. It’s the DH that is the crux of the issue here. If the ex says why can’t they stay when the OP is there, he should reply that it’s not the OP’s responsibility to look after the DSC but his. But he’s unlikely to say that because he’s wanting to not have his kids at times it is his responsibility to do so.

acuteanxiety · 25/07/2022 20:05

I'm not doing my husband a favour looking after kids because by fuck we wanted them

Jesus wept I'm exhausted hearing the kids be discussed as basically burdens, all four of them

Such a toxic toxic toxic family

MalagaNights · 25/07/2022 20:07

diddl · 25/07/2022 20:03

This is the problem with court agreements they don't really provide what children need: parents who work together in the kids best interests, just a set of rules to force people into a seemingly reasonable truce.

But in this case the father really has changed things by working nights & for an unknown amount of time.

Does that effectively mean that he can't have them day or night for the foreseeable future?

I don't know but the 2 parents should work that out together both being reasonable and putting the children first.

But life after divorce isn't like that. There's lack of trust and flexibility and harbouring of resentment so children's needs are not prioritised. People don't work together to do what kids needs.

Its why divorce and step families are so often miserable for children.

MalagaNights · 25/07/2022 20:09

DuchessDarty · 25/07/2022 20:04

@MalagaNights

The OP has since said it’s not a court agreement.

The mum not being flexible MAY be in the DSC’s best interests; they may really want and need that consistent time at their DH’s house including time with their (half) siblings. The mum may be advocating for her DC here, we don’t know.

What we also don’t know is whether she thinks that this “not permanent” arrangement of the DH not being able to do his days & nights could go on for months and months… She may think this from last experience. We don’t know.

And really it’s irrelevant what the ex thinks. It’s the DH that is the crux of the issue here. If the ex says why can’t they stay when the OP is there, he should reply that it’s not the OP’s responsibility to look after the DSC but his. But he’s unlikely to say that because he’s wanting to not have his kids at times it is his responsibility to do so.

I agree so much we don't know about the mother's motives. She'll have her reasons.

But staying with a paid nanny hardly suggests this would be the best thing for the kids, albeit a solution for both parents.