Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

Say, for example, her work suddenly asked her to take on lots of overtime and she felt her job is at risk if she refused, would he pick up the slack for her?

Yes, hand on heart I know without a doubt he would. He would never turn around and say 'get a night nanny then' or 'get your partner to look after them then'. If he needed to have them extra for something like this he'd do it (and we have had them extra before when she's needed to do overtime).

How long is this delightful arrangement going to last?
Have you given her a time frame.

Yes if they were together she would have to do it - but they are not. They have a 50:50 arrangement and he now wants to unilateral change it without warning and the EX to suck it up.

So her time and work are not valuable or as important as the OP and her DPs - she only works 3 days per week and from home - has been said like it is nothing worthwhile.

Really is all about the new family here - more monies from extra work helps his family but is not going to help his older children as they will see their DF less.

His new family needs to work out childcare for his DCs when they are supposed to be there, maybe some of that will involve the EX but if she is facing months of 100% care then who has been inconvenienced - not him just her.

OP - your DP is the one you should be getting pissed with - not her. You do not come across well, picking at her work, her parenting, he r lack of responsibility for her children when they are with their father, her time is not as valuable as yours and your DPs etc

Stick to the facts - you do not want the SDCs in their home and will not help out your DP when he has a problem. is it because you knwo this will go on for months?

And quite honestly if he did refuse to have them 'because he can and it's not his time to be responsible for them' I imagine he'd be being called all the names under the sun by most on here.

He’s giving her money as a kindness. He has the sake costs for keeping their shared children as she does and because he was trying to be nice he’s been voluntarily giving her money. It’s a gift. It’s a favour. It’s above and beyond. Of course it should be conditional on flexibility being mutual. Otherwise she’s taking the piss and he’s being a doormat.

When you do something nice for someone, a big favour that means your own household misses out while theirs benefits, you don’t expect them to be grateful and cooperative.

This woman is being neither and so the favours stop.

It wasn’t OP who suggested stopping it, it was other people and she’s right to agree.

Being a divorced mother doesn’t make the a saint, victim or martyr.

Stop talking about her. She's sticking to the agreement and is under no obligation to help your DH.

Talk about what your DH is going to do.

And what role you choose to have and whether you choose to help him.

Presumably he gives her money to help his children?

How would he pick up the slack?

So her time and work are not valuable or as important as the OP and her DPs

My work shouldn't even be included in that comparison. Our work and it's importance is not on equal footing when we are talking about children that belong to her and my husband but not me. My work and it's important/ value has absolutely no relevance when we are talking about childcare for children that aren't mine.

He'd take the offer of clubs she was offering in the day and then at night, if he was at home like she is and like he normally is, he'd have them like normal...

It's so sad for the children. They see their half siblings allowed to stay in their other family home, but they aren't allowed because dad isn't there.

Which sends the message that if dad isn't there, it isn't their home.

Grim.

then just stop doing ti for now-if noones physically there then they cant come over can they

I don't get the shock that he would do it in reverse. If he was available to do it, why on earth wouldn't he do it? And everyone here would expect him to if a mother had posted this thread about her ex.

They'd be with their mum not down the mines for goodness sake.

The thought that this is some peoples’ home life and, more importantly, some childrens’ - horrific

Fair enough. But I don't see how he would do that without either relying on you to pick up the slack, getting childcare (agree that there's no easy way to do this overnight) or changing his working arrangements.

You and his ex are not being unreasonable in not wanting to pick up his slack. What he is asking is MAJOR, especially as it sounds like it could drag on.

If he was asking her to be flexible to the same degree that he is flexible to accommodate her when she wants him to have them for extra time, then I would say she was being unreasonable. It's fair that she should reciprocate if she wants him to help her out. But this request goes way beyond that.

It really sounds like he needs to have a frank conversation with his employer if he hasn't already.

Stress tension arguing anger resentment

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters it’s not. It’s their dads. He seems an absolute twat tbh. He could turn down the extra shifts on the nights he has committed to having his children. Yet another shit dad making excuses for why he can’t see his children. He had time to make 2 more with OP though.

I think he should stop paying maintenance and use it to hire an overnight nanny whilst you’re staying away with your parents. He shouldn’t be paying it if he has the kids 50/ 50 anyway.

(and we have had them extra before when she's needed to do overtime).

Did that actually impact him at all or mainly you?

The way step parents are framed as nothing to do with step children is very sad.

Yes legally and at the most basic ethical level,they are the responsibility only of their parents, but if you enter a relationship with someone who has children as an adult you should take some responsibility for ensuring the situation you create considers the need of the children.

Not because they're yours, but because you're an adult, they are children, and you have made a choice.

These poor kids aren't anyone's priority.

No they/we wouldn’t all expect him to it a mother posted.

To be comparable to this thread, I’m pretty sure not everyone would expect a stepfather to cover. My evidence for this is many (most?) on this thread don’t expect you to cover.

This sums up my feelings on this. Very sad to read this thread.

This looks like the only solution.

If he was available to do it, why on earth wouldn't he do it?

And what if he wasn’t available to do it?

Which seeing as he can’t have them on the normal times seems very unlikely at the minute.

If she asks and he can’t then he’d either have to ask you or say no.
Which is fair enough.

I don’t get why you’re annoyed at her when it’s his contact time and he’s the one asking you to have his kids.

Just what I was thinking. At their age they should be almost self sufficient. Could they be of any help with their toddler siblings?