Sharing photos | Mumsnet

harryclr · 2022-07-12T18:23:52+00:00

Does your partner share pictures of SC with ex? How do you feel about it? I dont see the need for it, esp when its 50/50...

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ladydimitrescu · 12/07/2022 19:32

Absolutely nothing wrong with it - a good co parenting relationship is essential.
If you even hint you don't like it, you'll come across controlling. It's really not your place to take issue with.

Aksbdt · 12/07/2022 19:34

Now and again DH does; I think it’s nice as it’s sharing the important moments for DSD. I’d find it odd if it was constant as they don’t speak that much

Lilithslove · 12/07/2022 19:34

I don't actually know but I don't think it would bother me if he did unless it was constant. SC's mum sends him the odd photo of the kids when they are there and it's never bothered me.

Lilithslove · 12/07/2022 19:35

ladydimitrescu · 12/07/2022 19:32

Absolutely nothing wrong with it - a good co parenting relationship is essential.
If you even hint you don't like it, you'll come across controlling. It's really not your place to take issue with.

@ladydimitrescu I think this is a bit much. The op is allowed to discuss her feelings with her partner. ....

ladydimitrescu · 12/07/2022 19:39

@Lilithslove
If my partner told me they didn't think I needed to send photos of my child to their father, I'd leave. It is controlling.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/07/2022 19:42

DH and his ex would never do it. They’re in contact as little as possible. My mum and dad divorced before mobiles but they were pretty amicable despite the reason for the split and would definitely have done it. Not 50/50 in either case but I’m not sure that’s the key element. You could say each parent misses half the week with their DC so if the parents get on well it makes sense.

Do you know what’s making you uncomfortable?

TheCanyon · 12/07/2022 19:43

I'm the one with a dd from a previous, of course me and ex send each other photos, why wouldn't we share nice photos? Though to be honest it's probably my dh that sends them more.

JustLyra · 12/07/2022 19:43

Why would they not need to just because it’s 50/50? That doesn’t mean the other parent sees the same funny moment/first thing/cute pic/etc

pogostickplastique · 12/07/2022 19:43

This post is very odd. Why would anyone find issue with two people coparenting amicably?

Things may happen with one parent that the other can't see. It's not as simple as 50/50.

If I attended sports day but their father couldn't should he not see a picture? If he took them on a day out so I obviously wasn't there should I not see that picture? You're treating that child like a 'thing' not a person.
I think you need to assess your jealousy and insecurity issues tbh

lunar1 · 12/07/2022 19:43

I wouldn't even know what messages DH was sending and receiving. I can't see anything wrong with them exchanging pictures of their shared children.

If there is a massive backstory of them continuing an in appropriate relationship then you probably have bigger worries than pictures of their children.

Youseethethingis1 · 12/07/2022 19:51

The way I see it, DSD is a whole person and she has one life that's hers and it's a nice thing that DH and his ex are on friendly enough terms to share the parts of DSDs one life that the other parent can't be there for.

gertrudemortimer · 12/07/2022 19:53

We WhatsApp to discuss arrangements, where certain toys/clothes/uniforms are. It's a 60/40 split and so many things go missing or end up in the wrong place. We share photos and videos if it's a performance, him acting daft, new haircut, sports day. Ds FaceTimes me when he's with his dad and his gf I find that awkward as fuck but ds does it without them knowing and then there I am in the living room whilst they're all having tea.

Cocowatermelon · 12/07/2022 20:29

I think it’s ok to say you don’t want him to send photos where you are in the shot, and to OK photos which include any children of yours from a previous relationship or any shared children. But photos of just your step children? He doesn’t need your permission to send pictures of his kids to their mother.

Cocowatermelon · 12/07/2022 20:30

Sorry my last post was not clear. I mean it’s reasonable that your DH should ask permission to send photos to his ex if any children of yours are included in the shot.

PeekAtYou · 12/07/2022 20:41

My ex sends me pics and likes me sending pics too.

Are you annoyed that it's interrupting your day because of the sheer volume? An online photo album that both parents can log into might be a good solution for that.

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 21:07

Doesn't bother me. As long as me and shared DC aren't in them.

Blendiful · 12/07/2022 21:08

DP does share photos with ex, one more than the other (well from them to him). Me and my ex also share photos but less often.

I don't really care about it, it's nice for him to see what they are up to. But his ex does message a lot, I think she's bored tbf and likes to chat to him and sometimes photos are a way of achieving that perhaps. No idea if he sends much back, but tbh don't waste my energy thinking about it too much.

I figure as DSC gets older that'll probably drop off as when they have their own phone they will send their own photos.

TwoDots · 12/07/2022 21:21

It really depends. If it’s pics of events like sports day, or something significant then I think it’s a good thing. If it’s daily and if every little thing, then it can start becoming a bit intrusive.

Years ago my DH and his ex would be sending pics daily. Some with them in it too (selfies etc). Really they were carrying on as they always did when they were together and it was more of a habit than it being about the child. It used to bother me a lot as the volume was too much and the selfies were less than ideal. I told my DH that the volume made me uncomfortable. Thankfully it’s nothing like that now

Hotinnit · 12/07/2022 21:24

Worse for me is that the SDC do it. Feels like a massive invasion of privacy as they send them to mum etc.

Original poster

harryclr · 12/07/2022 23:09

I just dont see why its necessary. They decided very early on to not be together (SD was 1) they dont co-parent, more parallel.

I guess what makes me uncomfortable is the sharing/bonding over the child - we have our own children and that takes it away from us - if that makes sense...

Its not frequent and its only interesting or 'special' things SD has done (which seems to be quite a few things recently) BM doesnt ask for them which I guess is why it makes me feel awkward, that hes thinking about sending it to her before he takes the pic. Also BM constantly misses these moments because she chooses not to attend...

OP posts:

lunar1 · 12/07/2022 23:14

Two parents sharing pictures of their joint child doesn't take anything away from you or your children.

JustLyra · 13/07/2022 00:03

harryclr · 12/07/2022 23:09

I just dont see why its necessary. They decided very early on to not be together (SD was 1) they dont co-parent, more parallel.

I guess what makes me uncomfortable is the sharing/bonding over the child - we have our own children and that takes it away from us - if that makes sense...

Its not frequent and its only interesting or 'special' things SD has done (which seems to be quite a few things recently) BM doesnt ask for them which I guess is why it makes me feel awkward, that hes thinking about sending it to her before he takes the pic. Also BM constantly misses these moments because she chooses not to attend...

What does it take away from you and your children?

That’s very odd logic imo. Especially when it’s only special things.

He’s putting his daughter first before point scoring with his ex. That’s a damn good thing.

Youseethethingis1 · 13/07/2022 06:42

Unless he's sitting on his phone for ages chit chatting with his ex and ignoring your children, I don't see how it can be taking anything from them for another woman to have a photo of her own child.
If that's the case, it's not the photo sharing that the issue anyway.

Aksbdt · 13/07/2022 06:48

After reading your update I can see where you’re coming from but that is inevitable when they share a child and from your DSC point of view it is a nice thing for parents to be sharing the achievements. For us it helped DSD see that we were all working together and getting on (even when we weren’t really) and having cohesion between her time with us and her mum rather than two separate lives

TrailOfAbandonedPlanners · 13/07/2022 07:22

I think, without a back story, it should be totally fine to send photos like you describe.

But I can see circumstances where it might be less ok. It depends on his approach to other things in lots of ways. Mostly, the issue isn’t the photo sending. That’s just the shoot that you’re currently trying to deal with, not the huge rhizomatic root system that makes the weeds impossible to irradiate.

So a situation where he’s clearly pining after his ex and what could have been… that’s the issue that needs addressing.

A situation where he has double standards. You aren’t allowed to share any information (however basic) with your ex, but he’s swapping photos merrily with his ex, is indicative of a much bigger problem in which he feels he can control you while, utterly hypocritically, holding himself to entirely different standards.

And so on. Thing is, photo sharing wouldn’t be the only way in which the big problems were manifesting.

But, if it’s just him sending a photo of her riding a bike for the first time without any other issues, then it’s probably not an issue. Are there other problems that make you feel that he’s focusing on the ‘first family relationships’ at the expense of your shared children? Or is it just photos?