Sharing photos

[harryclr]

Does your partner share pictures of SC with ex? How do you feel about it?

I dont see the need for it, esp when its 50/50...

Grow up.

I think these issues often stem from a fundamental disconnect in the way the two partners see the family, from the beginning of the new relationship.

For the new partner, they decide at the outset that they can cope with the existence of previous children - they can cope with EOW, or even 50/50, if that's going to be the arrangement, and while the child is there, they will do everything right, make the child welcome, include them in the family - as long as they are able to make the non-contact time entirely theirs, and not have the stepchild or its mother intrude in any way on that time.

For the NRP, as for any loving parent, the optimum is 100% - we all want our children with us all the time, in an ideal world. The shared custody is a compromise, and a strain, and they miss the child all the time they aren't there. So things like sharing pictures, or facetiming, help enormously, and if the relationship with the ex is decent enough to facilitate that, so much the better.

Happens all the time on here - stepparents getting upset because the NRP wants to see more of the children in the holidays than they feel they agreed to, or the teenage stepchildren want to come over more often or ad hoc - this isn't what the stepparent agreed to, it's more contact than they wanted, but the NRP can only see more contact as a positive and is hurt that his partner doesn't. Or the stepchild hits 18 and the stepparent thinks "yippee, they're an adult now, we're off the hook", and of course it isn't like that at all - he's still their father.

Poor kid! Imagine your step mum having such venom at your parents sharing some special moments. It's not all about you, hun.

I posted earlier with a suggestion that could help.

Asking your partner to save photo sharing until you are home for the day as I think it would seem less intrusive than in real time. Some posters have chosen to just insult you but I did at least try to help ....

It's ironic that you are accusing someone else of having venom while writing posts like that ...

I think it is also that a lot men leave the "grunt work" of caring for SCs to the women in their lives.

If having SCs extra means the SM is doing loads of extra cooking and cleaning, providing childcare and in some cases is made to feel guilty if she plans something with her friends then it isn't really surprising that it causes issues.

@Lilithslove

"It's ironic that you are accusing someone else of having venom while writing posts like that ..."

I'm afraid your comparison with irony is way off in this case. Re-read that without imagining some frazzled bint spitting at her computer screen. Hardly venomous.

That's definitely sometimes an issue. But if that were the case, you'd think sharing photos on non-contact time would be a plus, since it satisfies the NRP's desire for connection with his kids while having absolutely no impact whatsoever on the SM and her workload. So I think the objections are sometimes more visceral than you suggest, unfortunately.

I send pictures of the DC doing special things (e.g. party, sports day) to my EXDP, and he does too, when we are each not with the DC.

I'd stop sending them if he asked me too, but I'd find it slightly odd if he got no joy from seeing his DC enjoying themselves, as well as him being able to talk to the DC about those events when he saw them next.

I send the odd photo of dd to her dad, sometimes a fb memory comes up with her siblings in and I send that to him, or her prom photos got sent. Sometimes it's nice to have a little reminiscent moment because no one else apart from us will look at dd the same. These moments are very infrequent (3/4x a year if that) and I hope they don't upset his gf. I get on well with my ex, we've been split up for 9 years and we are friends in a weird - we know each other so well but we're not together but fairly fond of each other without thinking about the other way.

My exes ex used to send him photos of their dc. She did it on date nights, when she knew we were on holiday, late at night, meal times. It was sent with intent to get attention and disrupt. I do not do that. Sympathy to you if that's what she does.

I send pictures of my child to my ex, why wouldn't I? It's his child too and he can't always be there for every occasion. He sends me photos too. I think it's really telling you think your husband sending pictures of his child to the child's mother, is taking away from your children. You sound incredibly insecure tbh.

Of course, in fact Dp's ex sends me things too. Why the issue?

Yes even though we have SS every weekend - I think it's fair to share especially to see how much joy the child might be having or new milestones or experiences reached? She sends stuff too.

This, with bells on. The idea that the divorced parents of a child have to sit at a table like a couple at the child's wedding years later, and that their new partners or spouses are just 'guests', is ridiculous. I think you feel the way you do about the photo sharing because something isn't working in your relationship, or your partner isn't showing you he loves you enough. Or you've never been divorced, so you don't know just how meaningless the photo sharing can be. In any case, your feelings are valid, I hope you can work it out.

We are the main resident household

I’d think it odd if they didn’t tbh.

Lol

@harryclr many of us provided measured and thoughtful advice which you’ve ignored and now you come back just to LOL :-/

I'm usually fully understanding of the SM's worries or concerns but I do feel you are being silly. As a mum to a little boy who stays with his dad and I don't get pictures - I feel sad that I cannot see what fun he is up too on the days he is with his dad - just because he is with his dad EOW doesn't mean I am not still his mum and care for his happiness. Also seeing the other side as I am a SM - I am more than happy for my hubby to share photos of his children with his ex. No jealousy needed. Just because you have 50/50 custody doesn't mean she is a mum only 50% of the time.

Look I have read your comments and as a sm and mum I don't see that really they are doing much wrong in my opinion. I get it would grate but I don't actually think it's the photos that's bothering you.

If DH was paying equal attention to DC I suspect you wouldn't be fussed about a few photos. The photos are a red herring. To solve this you need to look at what it is you would like from DH to do with your DC (leaving out the DSD the equation)

Exactly. No wonder she's behaving so jealous & insecure with that maturity level. I feel for the poor child.

I don't think it's a problem OP and would expect some level of photo sharing between co parents of special events or particularly fun/cute things. I mean if it was things like 'heres a pic of Jane brushing her teeth and another of her walking into her bedroom to get her PJs on and another from earlier of her eating her tea and and and and' then I'd get it but the odd time I think it's fine and absolutely normal.

I don't think all this "they are bonded forever" nonsense is true. As a PP said, connected is probably a better word. They are connected through their children but there is no requirement to be close, friendly or even care about each other anymore which bond suggests. And even "connected" becomes tenuous when the kids get older. I'm an adult now and my parents have hated each other since I was a child. They haven't spoken once since I was old enough to arrange and do things for myself and there certainly doesn't feel like there is any real connection there anymore, they couldn't even tell you where the other lived these days.