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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want to meet my daughter

116 replies

Foodx123 · 10/07/2022 12:15

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and it’s been going well and I can see a future with him. One small issue being, he isn’t sure about the prospect of being a “step dad” because he’s never had experience with kids. I 100% appreciate the fact that it is a tough decision but he knew from day 1 I had a child. His friends have even told him he needs to think whether he’s 100% serious about this and not to mess me about.

anyway, he’s met my daughter once and we went for ice cream and it was a nice day out. He didn’t really speak to her, just said hi. She was 22 months old at the time. After that I mentioned whether we were together or not to which we sat down and he said he didn’t think he was ready for being with someone with a child and for him to have the life he wants with me it would require him being a stepdad. Obviously I was upset and then he said he’d think about. He said he wouldn’t usually date someone with a child but he really likes me. After that he said he’d think about it. We then carried on meeting, went on a weekend away and he agreed we were together.

fast forward several weeks he stayed round and I knew he had a free afternoon so I asked whether he wanted to hang out with me and my daughter. He said it’s not he doesn’t want to hang out with her it’s just he would rather wait before he introduces himself to her life. We’ve been dating 3 months and we have obvious feelings for each other so I’m unsure what the issue is? What should I say to him? I’m not sure how to approach this as I’ve not been in this situation before either.

OP posts:

DogsAndGin · 10/07/2022 17:30

He’s told you the truth - he wants to have a relationship with you, where he is not the stepfather to your child. If that is acceptable to you, then go for it, and continue the relationship.

If you’re looking for a stepfather for your child though, this man is not interested, and you are going to end up disappointed.

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 10/07/2022 17:33

Far far far too soon. You can't see a future after three months. Dial it back.

shrugitoffonemoretime · 10/07/2022 17:33

Why are you forcing a relationship with your young child?

I have things in my fridge older than your relationship

This should be years in the making not weeks no wonder he has panicked

PlanetNormal · 10/07/2022 17:40

You have only just got together with this boyfriend, you barely know each other, and you are already trying to line him up for a stepdad role. Does your daughter’s father know you have already introduced his child to this guy you have been shag seeing for five minutes?

I agree with your boyfriend. It’s way, way too soon for him to be having any contact with your child. He is telling you that he doesn’t want to be a stepdad so he’s absolutely right to be keeping his distance. He is also, quite rightly, likely to be concerned about her father’s reaction. You need to started listening to what he’s telling you.

MzHz · 10/07/2022 17:55

I dumped a guy because he tried to get me to meet his kid when I didn’t want to

even tried to trick me into “accidentally” meeting him.

no. Just no.

you are being extremely irresponsible with your dc safety and security

where’s the fire? Why do you think you’re so crap that you have to future fake him to this level of getting him involved and embedded into your life?

you’re going to come a serious cropper unless you stop this behaviour

pogostickplastique · 10/07/2022 18:02

3 months is way too soon imo. You should listen to him. He is switched on

BallsArseBalls · 10/07/2022 18:50

My sibling doesn't rule out dating single parents, but would now run if this convo came up just a few months after dating, he learnt the hard way and against his gut, met the children of the woman he met on tinder two months after only meeting her, he was playing stepdaddy to toddler twins when then only been together five months, she was all over social media gushing about how my brother treats her children as his own and what a great dad he was, she wanted him to move in and open joint bank accounts at six months and have equal access to his wages because she she was on benefits and when she showed him a budget that involved him having no money for himself because she expected him to pay for her kids clothes etc and kids hobbies.

He's had two other single parents push for him to meet heir child within just a month or two and it's his red flag now, he still wouldn't but date someone with children but when he's being asked to meet their child or have dates that include the child it's always been where the dad is fully out of the picture and not providing anything financially or emotionally and he feels likes he's being expected to express interest on being a father figure to s woman's child he has only had a handful of dates with and after getting swept up one and children ending up being upset he won't do it again and after his friends who are parents have said it shows lack of putting the child's welfare first.

clpsmum · 10/07/2022 18:51

Omg it's been three months. Wait! Why do you have to involve your daughter???

Bb16103 · 10/07/2022 19:00

3 months isn’t long. My DH mentioned me meeting his children around the same timeframe, but I didn’t think it was right & shut that down, I met them just before a year, introduced as a friend at first.
before we were married we split up briefly & the kids took it really badly, you can’t underestimate how important a person can become to these little folk. Stability is everything to them.
if I had children of my own I may have met them sooner though.

YukoandHiro · 10/07/2022 19:03

Waaaay too soon. He sounds like he's being very sensible

BiscoffSundae · 10/07/2022 19:28

It sounds like you want him to play step dad after 3 months. I would be running a mile! Hate it when women introduce men they barely know to their kids

Plainascanbe123 · 10/07/2022 19:39

This guy is not right for you. There are some things that can't be changed. You have a child and he's not ready to be a step parent. So he shouldn't be dating you then. So you need to end it. Your child comes first and is part of the package and anyone dating you has to accept that.

Spohn · 11/07/2022 11:10

Are you going to safeguard and prioritise your 2yr old, OP?

Spohn · 11/07/2022 11:19

You might want to get your thread where you wrote your child’s full name deleted, anyone who Google’s her in the future will be able to see all your posts.

funinthesun19 · 11/07/2022 11:30

I think he’s right. I think you just need to keep your relationship with him separate to your role as a mum at the moment. At this early stage, you can be a mum and be his girlfriend and still keep them separate.

If things get more serious as time goes on and he’s very keen on you but still a bit reluctant to meet your dd, it would have me questioning whether this will actually work. But at the moment, I’d just leave it the way it is.

Dinogirl50 · 26/07/2022 18:11

hes Clearly not wanting to be a step dad sounds to me from your op he’s made that clear

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