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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want to meet my daughter

116 replies

Foodx123 · 10/07/2022 12:15

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and it’s been going well and I can see a future with him. One small issue being, he isn’t sure about the prospect of being a “step dad” because he’s never had experience with kids. I 100% appreciate the fact that it is a tough decision but he knew from day 1 I had a child. His friends have even told him he needs to think whether he’s 100% serious about this and not to mess me about.

anyway, he’s met my daughter once and we went for ice cream and it was a nice day out. He didn’t really speak to her, just said hi. She was 22 months old at the time. After that I mentioned whether we were together or not to which we sat down and he said he didn’t think he was ready for being with someone with a child and for him to have the life he wants with me it would require him being a stepdad. Obviously I was upset and then he said he’d think about. He said he wouldn’t usually date someone with a child but he really likes me. After that he said he’d think about it. We then carried on meeting, went on a weekend away and he agreed we were together.

fast forward several weeks he stayed round and I knew he had a free afternoon so I asked whether he wanted to hang out with me and my daughter. He said it’s not he doesn’t want to hang out with her it’s just he would rather wait before he introduces himself to her life. We’ve been dating 3 months and we have obvious feelings for each other so I’m unsure what the issue is? What should I say to him? I’m not sure how to approach this as I’ve not been in this situation before either.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 10/07/2022 13:52

We’ve been dating 3 months and we have obvious feelings for each other so I’m unsure what the issue is?

Can you really not see why this is an issue?

How long have you broken up with your dad's dad? Perhaps the desire to recreate a family unit is pushing you into making poor decisions. He seems very sensible

LivingLifeOnTheVeg · 10/07/2022 13:57

He sounds sensible. You shouldn’t rush things, especially when there’s children involved. There’s no need for him to be part of your daughters life just because you’ve been dating him for a very short amount of time.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 10/07/2022 13:58

Foodx123 · 10/07/2022 12:21

He’s met her already I should have added. And I never push him, ever.

But you do want to push it.

look: you’ve got a toddler. He’s more than a little ambivalent about the prospect of ever being a stepdad and doesn’t want to spend time with your child - just you.

He’s been honest with you here. It’s not going to work.

I know that sounds harsh. But it is the reality. You need to find someone who is open to a real relationship with someone with a child, because clearly a casual thing when you’re child free isn’t what you want.

larkstar · 10/07/2022 14:00

I think 3 months is very soon - not just for you and your daughter - but for him. You and the father of your daughter, I guess, must have had conversations stretching back many months about the idea of having a baby together - it's a big decision (unless it was all an accident) and you will also have had a further 9 months for the reality to sink in - imagine if conception to birth only took 3 months - how prepared mentally would most people be. Give the guy a break - he's quite within his rights and to me seems quite adult in his reluctance to just rush into a situation he hasn't had enough time to really digest - he is interested in you - do him, you and your daughter a big favour by giving him as much time as he needs - concentrate on your relationship with him - obviously you have you daughter and you have to strike a balance for the time being if you think this is a relationship that might go somewhere - I'm sure he doesn't want to be taken for a mug by someone who is really just after someone to share in the responsibility of bringing up your daughter - another pair of hands, another source of financial support, etc. - he's looking for a relationship with you that works for him. Is he also concerned that your ex is still in your life or is that not the case? That could be awkward for him (and maybe you and your ex) - that's extra baggage he wouldn't have to even think about with someone who was without the responsibility of a child - I know you "told him" so he knows the fact but it really will take time for him to take it all in and understand the practical, financial and emotional implications.

cottagegardenflower · 10/07/2022 14:01

He's not ready to be a step parent. Just end it and stop torturing yourself with the what if

Mellowyellow222 · 10/07/2022 14:02

I think he is being very clear.

you have only being seeing each other for a short time and he doesn’t want to be a step dad.

this is a casual relationship that, at the moment, he doesn’t really see going anywhere.

it’s very early for him to develop a relation with your child. He doesn’t want that commitment - which is sensible for a new relationship.

you want more than he does.

ComDummings · 10/07/2022 14:07

Please safeguard your child by not introducing men to her within a matter of weeks. Your behaviour puts her at risk of abuse. This guy seems more sensible about your child than you do.

Whatshallidolottie · 10/07/2022 14:09

I think you should reconsider OP. He’s been clear that he isn’t ready and wouldn’t normally date someone with a child. I don’t think he will change his mind.

please don’t get more involved as I think you will get your feelings hurt.

VioletInsolence · 10/07/2022 14:14

He’s not being sensible - he’d just rather you didn’t have a daughter. I doubt that will change.

User39498 · 10/07/2022 14:18

It sounds like he may well not ever be ready to spend time with you and your daughter.I wouldn’t want to invest time and effort and hope he changes his mind.

I’d also be worried he didn’t seem to engage with her at all when you met, I would want to be with someone that could interact with children.

Although everyone is saying 3 months is too soon, it has given you the opportunity to see he isn’t great with your DD and him the chance to realise he doesn’t want to be involved with a child before you have invested years of your life in a relationship that will never be the one you want.

Have confidence that you don’t need to compromise and be in a relationship that isn’t going to give you what you really want from it.

100problems · 10/07/2022 14:21

You aren't listening to him are you?

PHe may or may not decide that he'd like more time with your child, but the way you're going it will certainly be not.

concernedguineapig · 10/07/2022 14:21

3 months is FAR too soon.

Surely you don't want to be that mum who brings loads of different men around your toddler child? Anything could happen between you too, it's such early days.

Especially as he's made it so clear he's unsure what he wants.

concernedguineapig · 10/07/2022 14:21

Two*!

2bazookas · 10/07/2022 14:23

I’m unsure what the issue is?

He's TOLD you exactly what the issue is. You aren't listening.

I can see a future with him.

There isn't one, he's told you that. You're deluding yourself.

Ansjovis · 10/07/2022 14:28

My mum married a man when I was 6. He blatantly did not see me as part of the 'package' with my mum and he was happy so long as he neither heard nor saw any evidence of there being a child in the house. This guy has way, way more self awareness than my stepdad and you should be grateful that this is the case.

Please listen to him. I suspect you think you're listening but you're not.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 10/07/2022 14:29

This is the step parenting board. It’s full of people who have learned the hard way how hard step parenting can be - and that’s people who choose to go into it, wanting to build a relationship with the children and ‘blend’ a family.

This guy is making it clear he doesn’t want that. Explicitly telling you that. He likes you. But he doesn’t want your life. Fine for a casual relationship. Nothing more. That’s what the ‘problem’ is.

Your choices are:


  1. listen to him and decide to cut your losses because you both want very different things

  2. listen to him and accept that you can only have a very casual relationship that’s going nowhere.


which do you prefer?

what you can’t have is him wanting to meet you and be your daughter’s stepdad.

DarkShade · 10/07/2022 14:29

He is right after 3 months absolutely he should not meet her.

britneyisfree · 10/07/2022 14:34

Read your post back and you'll see the problem is you. He doesn't want to be a step dad. He doesn't want your daughter to be a part of his life. He has told you that and you aren't listening. Well you've listened, but you aren't processing/understanding.

Diverseopinions · 10/07/2022 14:43

I wouldn't get your hopes up as it could be that he isn't keen on serious commitment, or isn't envisaging it with you. It sounds good and neutral to say that you haven't been in a stepdad role, so know nothing about it, but that's a bit naive, as it's possible to imagine what it would be like, and I would expect him to be discussing his reservations and thoughts, when the two of you are alone and having serious chats.

I understand him not meeting your daughter - this is sensible for the reasons which other posters have given: you don't want a bond to be formed which later has to be broken. But that doesn't mean that he can't start to put into words what his plans are for life; having kids or not. By six to eight months into the relationship, it would be reasonable for you to be able to get a feel and some answers about whether he sees 'you and him' being a long term proposition.

goldensilk · 10/07/2022 17:05

I don't think this is just about him not being ready to be in a family situation - if he's as sensible as he sounds he'll be questioning your judgment, and poor judgment is off putting.

DangerNoodles · 10/07/2022 17:11

It's been 3 months, calm down!! Don't be so quick to introduce your DD to men so early on, you barely know him yourself FFS.

MadMadMadamMim · 10/07/2022 17:17

He's doing absolutely the right thing. He's not sure he wants to take on a ready made family. He's not sure he wants to be a step-dad. He's not sure you are the one for him. Therefore he doesn't want to meet your dd.

You seem to think that if you push them together he'll see how adorable she is and everything will come up smelling of roses. 3 months together is nothing - he's not even certain he wants a future with you - and certainly not when you come with a child.

Pushing the issue is likely to have him calling it a day with you. And you should be grateful to him for being honest about not wanting to spend time with a small toddler that isn't his. You should not be considering introducing them.

MeridianB · 10/07/2022 17:24

It’s unbelievably rare to get anywhere close to a consensus on this board. I’m adding my voice to all saying this is way too fast.

Date someone for a year and get to know them properly before you think of introducing them to your daughter. For so many reasons.

You and your daughter are enough. You don’t need a new man to make a family.

lilkiki · 10/07/2022 17:26

You’re prob coming across a bit desperate.

also I think it’s a good idea he waits to spend time with your daughter. How well do you know
someone after 3 months? You also don’t seem to know him all that well, considering he’s told you how uncomfortable it is making him but instead you insist on trying to play happy families. It’s like you’re just rail roading him to play step dad because that’s what convenient for you

lilkiki · 10/07/2022 17:28

goldensilk · 10/07/2022 17:05

I don't think this is just about him not being ready to be in a family situation - if he's as sensible as he sounds he'll be questioning your judgment, and poor judgment is off putting.

I did think that when she was speaking about his friends. It wouldn’t surprise me if their convo was “why is she trying to force a toddler on you after 3 months is this what you want?”

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