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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want to meet my daughter

116 replies

Foodx123 · 10/07/2022 12:15

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 months and it’s been going well and I can see a future with him. One small issue being, he isn’t sure about the prospect of being a “step dad” because he’s never had experience with kids. I 100% appreciate the fact that it is a tough decision but he knew from day 1 I had a child. His friends have even told him he needs to think whether he’s 100% serious about this and not to mess me about.

anyway, he’s met my daughter once and we went for ice cream and it was a nice day out. He didn’t really speak to her, just said hi. She was 22 months old at the time. After that I mentioned whether we were together or not to which we sat down and he said he didn’t think he was ready for being with someone with a child and for him to have the life he wants with me it would require him being a stepdad. Obviously I was upset and then he said he’d think about. He said he wouldn’t usually date someone with a child but he really likes me. After that he said he’d think about it. We then carried on meeting, went on a weekend away and he agreed we were together.

fast forward several weeks he stayed round and I knew he had a free afternoon so I asked whether he wanted to hang out with me and my daughter. He said it’s not he doesn’t want to hang out with her it’s just he would rather wait before he introduces himself to her life. We’ve been dating 3 months and we have obvious feelings for each other so I’m unsure what the issue is? What should I say to him? I’m not sure how to approach this as I’ve not been in this situation before either.

OP posts:
ErmIDontKnow · 10/07/2022 12:32

3 months is far too soon to be introducing your child to him. You barely know him yourself!

Hes clearly got his head screwed on, I dont think you have and I dont mean that rudely.

I would never introduce my children to someone unless we had been together a very long time.

3 months......12 weeks, it's not a long time is it?

If a man tried introducing me to his child after 3 months I'd see it as a red flag and walk away. Your supposed to be getting to know each other and having fun. Why does your daughter need to be included in that?

You need to take a look at your behaviour and see if your ready to actually date someone or if you just want to play happy families with anyone you end up meeting

Floralnomad · 10/07/2022 12:32

3months is way too early for him to have met your daughter so he is right to stay away .

butterflied · 10/07/2022 12:34

He's smart. Three months is a very short time. His friends are also right.

Lingoflaming · 10/07/2022 12:37

freedomprogramme.co.uk/sample-online/home.php

Would be worth you doing the freedom programme to help you spot Red flags in a relationship. Also, do the NSPC child Safeguarding course before you start dating again. learning.nspcc.org.uk/training

Your first priority should be to safeguard your dd from paedophiles & abusive men. You seem to be doing this the wrong way round, your focus is on happy families not child safeguarding.

PeekAtYou · 10/07/2022 12:37

Him wanting to play step dad after 3 months is a major red flag.

You wanting him and your dd to spend time together so early is also a red flag.

Yanbu to prefer that he makes his decision about being a stepdad sooner rather than later but I think that you need to calm down because 3 months is so early on.

WayDownIGo · 10/07/2022 12:37

Your title says "meet" but he's already met her Confused

Spending time with her at this early stage in the relationship is far too soon.

Cool your jets.

He sounds very wise.

IncompleteSenten · 10/07/2022 12:38

He is absolutely right and very sensible.

SoS505 · 10/07/2022 12:39

Foodx123 · 10/07/2022 12:21

He’s met her already I should have added. And I never push him, ever.

22 months old and she had already met him, yet you’ve now only been seeing him 3 months. How long had you been dating before you both went for icecream with him?

You shouldn’t be introducing her to partners you hardly know yourself!

dottiedodah · 10/07/2022 12:40

Sounds like he feels things are moving too fast.Why the rush ? You may push him too far and frighten him away! Just enjoy getting to know one another for now.Lots of time to meet DD after 6months /a year even .

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/07/2022 12:41

3 months is nothing- way too soon to
introduce them and way too soon to guarantee a future.

SuperSange · 10/07/2022 12:41

Three months? You don't even know him yet! Jesus Christ, give your head a wobble.

Luidaeg · 10/07/2022 12:42

PeekAtYou · 10/07/2022 12:37

Him wanting to play step dad after 3 months is a major red flag.

You wanting him and your dd to spend time together so early is also a red flag.

Yanbu to prefer that he makes his decision about being a stepdad sooner rather than later but I think that you need to calm down because 3 months is so early on.

He doesnt want to 'play step dad' or are we reading this differently

I'm reading they have been dating for THREE months, and she wants him to spend time with her and her DD as they come as a set, but he is saying he is not sure

chilledbubble · 10/07/2022 12:43

Sounds sensible to me. I think it's ridiculous thinking he should be hanging around with tour daughter after 3 months. You don't know if the relationship is going to last another month at that stage

harri2214 · 10/07/2022 12:44

I agree it is early and your child sounds young....is she 2yrs now? There's no need to move fast but, if you're a single mum it might be that you don't have a lot of child care options so if you hang out with this guy does it mean also having her there? I dunno your situation but for me, having my daughter meet my partner was almost inevitable from the start as she was with me 100% of the time. However, he wasn't "introduced" as a step daddy as my daughter was only 3.5yrs so such discussions didn't take place explicitly. He just starting joining us now and then on outings. But, taking the role of a father for another child is a massive step so he really needs to think if he (and you) are comfortable with this. We have been together 18months now and he's super accepting but we've struggled with issues anything from discipline and how my partner does or doesn't do this to her eating habits or how affectionate she is or isn't with him. You both need to consider these types of issues relating to parenting and be confident that u see a future long term together. I'd focus on these discussions between the 2 of u before worrying about introducing him to your daughter.

springbreak22 · 10/07/2022 12:49

Stop forcing this on both your very young child and a man you have been seeing for 12 weeks Confused

I have jars of pickles older than your 'relationship'

Bluetrews25 · 10/07/2022 12:50

MN wisdom states that you don't introduce the DCs to new partners until you have known them for at least a year, ideally longer. (This is so you can suss out if the relationship is as good as you think, and also figure out if they are a good person to have in DC's lives - you know, not abusers, who often don't show true colours straight away and are known to pick on women with young DCs as suitable targets)
So he is doing the right thing.
Your trying to push his relationship with her smacks of desperation to find a father figure. Do you want to be giving that impression?
I'm sure DD at the age of 2 will not remember meeting him once, and you can re-do it later when she's about 4.

chilledbubble · 10/07/2022 12:52

Also you've been seeing him 3 months but how many times have you actually seen him? You hardly know him really

Katya213 · 10/07/2022 12:52

It's a hard one. Does your DD see her dad, is there any involvement that side? I think it's too soon for him probably, I think you should get to know eachother more.

glamourousindierockandroll · 10/07/2022 12:53

Introducing a adult father figure into your daughter's life is a huge huge thing. Most relationships are exciting and idealistic in the first few months, but that means absolutely nothing.

Keep them separate and see how things go. He is right on this.

roarfeckingroarr · 10/07/2022 12:54

Wow he's right. I wouldn't introduce anyone to my toddler until.. I don't know... until necessary. A year sounds about right.

Sittingonabench · 10/07/2022 12:54

It’s still really early days. If it doesn’t work out then it’s one thing you and him being disappointed but quite another to hurt a small child who has no options and may become attached. It’s good that he is considering this carefully before progressing and I would be happy with that.

SpilltheTea · 10/07/2022 12:55

I'd wait a year personally. He's being more responsible than you. You don't know someone after just 3 months.

Louise0701 · 10/07/2022 12:57

He’s handling this in a mature way. He’s known you 12 weeks so cannot possibly know whether you’re compatible enough for a future together. There’s therefore no reason at all why he needs to meet you daughter.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/07/2022 12:58

He doesn’t need to meet your child after 3 months. You’ve only just started dating!

His reluctance to be a step dad really isn’t going to be fixed by hanging out with someone else’s toddler.

Either enjoy the relationship for what it is, and if you both think there’s a future after 18 months or 2 years then yes he should meet her.

Or, if you don’t want to date a man who isn’t keen on a women with kids, let end it now. The fact he likes you is unlikely to be enough to get over the kids thing, but if it is, you aren’t going to know that until the 18 month to 2 years mark.

Confusion101 · 10/07/2022 12:58

Foodx123 · 10/07/2022 12:21

He’s met her already I should have added. And I never push him, ever.

You did include this in your OP, and said he didn't really do anything just said "hi". Big difference between hanging out with a child for the afternoon, and just saying hi. I wouldn't mention it again. He is still getting to know you, and you him. Meeting your daughter officially is a massive step that you really shouldn't take until you know for sure you have a very serious future together. Seems he is cleverly still trying to figure that out given the short time frame!